Never call at midnight

Momadonnas support each other unconditionally – no matter what time of day or night we are at each other’s beck and call. Of course, we also have a wicked sense of humor which can lead to trouble…

One night Bitch called just before midnight. She was ecstatic, her Accessory had just proposed.* Well maybe proposed is too strong a word. They had been playing an aggressive game of Truth or Dare when after a triple dog dare they were making the choice of getting married or being called chicken. They decide to go with the getting married option because no one can bear to be known as “a chicken.” They picked a date and proceeded to call their friends. They had to do it that very night because the date they picked was less than two months away! Why so soon? Because for some reason it was very important to get married before Bitch’s Accessory turns 37. You ask just what happens at this magical age of 37? Well after a through investigation we discovered that at 37 NOTHING changes for a person - as far as we can tell it’s just this Accessory’s new personal phobia (we love him but he does have quite a few).

At this point I will mention they made two mistakes:

(1) Inviting Patron (the tequila) to dinner.
(2) Calling Punk.

Punk said she didn’t believe them and the only way to prove it was to make it public…very public. She had them put it on Facebook. Not that many people are using Facebook at midnight but the next morning, boy howdy, were there a few surprised folks including Bitch and her Fiancé. Unfortunately, after some sober reflection they decided to break off the engagement. The Facebook messages were deleted and they openly admitted it might be safer to make those kinds of decisions in broad daylight (not that we believe they will).

And what does Bitch have to say for her self? “Thank goodness I wasn’t in Las Vegas.” Yes, that would have given this story a whole different ending...


*Please note: This was a second proposal – The last time was a few months ago after Bitch let out a particularly awesome burp.

Wax Job

So as you know I’m into new things like riding bulls and eating real people food… well I’m ready to add to the list. Now the Momadonnas are beautiful women, but all that beauty requires some sacrifice. One mom exercises, another dies her hair and a third eats well but they all have one thing in common: They wax their brows. That’s where I come in. I am a plucker, no no I said plucker you know PPPLLLLUUUCCKER with a “PL” geeze anyway I decided to get all sexy like the girls and wax those brows into shape.

First, I was told I had to grow them out for a month. A whole month! Of course I could not hide in my house all month (I tried really I did) so after some trial and error I found the next best thing - bangs. Bangs work wonders for hiding brows and when short they don’t even get into your eyes! Huh, who knew? The second thing I did was practice my screams. I had heard this experience would hurt and I had to make it sound good. Unfortunately, I don’t think the other Momadonnas appreciated my efforts. Could it be the late night scream calls? Third, I had to make the choice of where to go. This is the most important step of all. We have one LL who had her wax job and one came out bigger than the other and WE COULD ALL TELL!! Now no one should ever have to go through that! So I decided to be logical and go to Bitches girl, Tao (pronounced “Taow” like “wow”). This is important because it rhymes and I could tell everyone “Tao waxed my brow.” Oh but in that important decision making process I forgot to mention that Tao also rhymes with ow - oops.

When the time came, Bitch offered to go in with me and hold my hand but I said “no I will be brave”. Then Tao laid me down and got to work. Guess what? It was not that bad at all. I even forgot to scream! Not to downplay the experience because yes it hurt but only for a second and then my face felt kind of numb. Driving home I felt like a million bucks. I smiled at strangers proud of what I had done. Once I got home I rushed upstairs to show my accessory my new look. The first thing out of his mouth (after the laughing) was “got waxed there did yah?” You see it turns out I had swollen up a bit and looked as though I had inadvertently put bright red blush across my eyes and brow. I guess you should not show off how sexy you are while you are swollen and red…and then it got worse. We had a dinner date and I had to go out in public looking like this. So, I had my accessory give me a soft slap on my cheeks so I was red all over then we went out.

In the end all I could think of was one word: Brazilian…..oooowwwww not goin’ there!

The Commercial

It was inevitable; everyone knew it would happen eventually - Hollywood came knocking. Well not exactly Hollywood, but a producer. A real producer (we know we checked his resume) and he asked if the Momadonnas wanted to be in a commercial. Honest! They specifically asked for the Momadonnas and of course we immediately agreed. We didn’t even ask what the commercial was for. Imagine our great relief when we discovered it was for a Timeshare and not some personal hygiene product.

The Momadonnas know almost nothing about Timeshares, but we knew we were the perfect choice for this commercial. Face it, we know we are the perfect choice for ANY commercial! Rest assured that if there were any doubts as to our being a good choice for this commercial, we would immediately make up a reason why we were not only a good choice but the ONLY choice. Who better in front of a camera than a Momadonna? We are just such naturals at being ourselves and we can wing it sooo well, our minions still believe we actually have hidden eyes in the back of our heads! Oh and besides all that, we're hot (just ask us we’ll tell you – and for any of you other moms out there, Rule #5 of mom-hood is always proclaim your hotness, for if you don’t say you’re hot who will?) Being a self-proclaimed hottie should be reason enough to put anyone in a commercial…shouldn't it?

As for the whole filming process it wasn’t bad at all. As the mom was being filmed she positively glowed. Of course it could be the guy with the light reflector aimed at her face, but it was a glow none the less. Then we were asked to repeat the same line over and over again. Of course every time the producer asked to do a re-take the mom yelled "YES YES YES!" You see to us a “do over” is a compliment -"You there film us some more!" We felt very good about this process and even had a large crowd of three people stop to watch us in action! The end result was a resounding success…well we think so, the producer hasn’t talked to us since.

Happy Birthday The Professional!

A Momadonna birthday party is a difficult affair, especially if you don’t want the mom-of-honor to know about it. As you may have guessed, this year for The Professional’s birthday we decided to throw her a surprise party! Not that a surprise party is all that unusual for a Momadonna. All of our parties are sort of a surprise. No one knows who will show up or what will happen. Half the time we are surprised to find out we are even having a party. Like our Minions, our parties like to start small and innocent then grow, grow, GROW! So I guess you could say all of our parties are surprise parties, but this one was a little more special because we actually planned on it being a “surprise party”. We even yelled "surprise!" when The Professional walked in (which, by the way, is a dead give away that it’s a surprise party).

This year, with the help of a few Accessories, we introduced Karaoke to our parties. After all, a girl can't "just" dance ALL the time. Well, actually she could but this shakes things up a bit. Karaoke can be SCARY. Picture yourself in a dark room filed with loud noise and strangely dressed people that you may or may not know. This crowd has no problem hissing, clapping, yelling and helping you with your songs. Some of the group we hang with will not only help you sing but also make up the words as they go…no, I will not go into details on this as it makes Punk blush and some things are better left unsaid, or unsung as the case may be. Either way, Karaoke seems to be a hit. Some of the moms are great singers like Ringleader and The Professional, whereas others have to be dragged to the microphone (usually over an Accessories shoulder) like Punk. No matter what method is used, the end result is always the same, everyone has fun.

We continue to have fun until its time to say goodbye, usually about the same time we discover our sexy voices. Sexy voices are almost always discovered after singing or yelling for an extended amount of time, and we do lots of both! The Professional and Ringleader were both hoarse by the time the party wound down. That is a good thing, for as any man will tell you, a deep, husky voiced woman makes a big impression. Yes, a big impression…unfortunately not always a good one.

Halloween and Firemen go hand in hand!

Halloween is a good time for the Momadonna's to get together and get their priorities straight. Sometimes in the rush of day-to-day life we forget what our top priorities are. For Halloween they are:

(1) Have fun
(2) Use our imagination
(3) Steal a bunch of the minions candy!

So, you ask what does a Momadonna Halloween look like? Is it scary? -Well sometimes. Is it sexy? -Definitely! However the best word to describe a Momadonna Halloween is chaos.

There is so much going on this time of year and we mom's are tossed about in a wild storm of parties, costumes, families and tattoos. It is total chaos and we thrive on it! Momadonna's are the chaos experts. Just look at the definition from Webster's dictionary: “Chaos – a state of utter confusion or disorder that anyone with children experiences twice a day.” OK maybe I edited that a little, but admitting chaos is an all day experience in the life of a mom, may scare some people away from having children. Since I know a few expecting mothers, I will tone it down a bit…for now. As for the Momadonna's, I estimate we each have a minimum of three Halloween parties to go to. Although a few of those parties are our own fault. We have been known to throw a party just because we need to get some use out of that costume we made/purchased. So usually we spend Halloween eating, drinking, and dancing. This year was a bit different. This year we spent it eating, drinking, dancing and hanging out with the firemen. Well at least Ringleader did.
Ringleader volunteered to help the grade school put on a Halloween party for the fifth grade. To set the Halloween mood, she and the other LL's brought in a fog machine, spooky music and a ton of decorations. All was going as planned. The room was smoky and creepy and the minions were really feeling the Halloween spirit. What better way to "scare" the minions (and the teachers) then have a fire drill (completely unplanned) in the middle of their Halloween party! Yay entire school evacuation! Thirty minutes into the drill, the fire trucks showed up. What fun! There's that word "chaos" again.

Apparently fog machines cause smoke detectors to go off, causing the school to be evacuated, causing the fire department to come. Huh, who knew? Well, at least the Minions had fun running amok in their costumes! These mom’s know how to bring the house down and give the kids a Halloween party they will never forget! Unfortunately neither shall the school’s Principal. You should have seen her face when Ringleader and another LL had to go "claim" the contraband that the fireman confiscated. We are still waiting to see if Momadonna's are going to be allowed back in the school.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

It's that time of year again: Time to take that special lady out to dinner and buy her flowers. Yes, it’s a Momadonna anniversary and this year it’s a Bitch. Four years ago on Halloween, Bitch adopted me,thereby acquiring the last component necessary to start the Momadonnas. Of course, we didn’t call ourselves Momadonnas back then. We were just a group of moms having fun. (We didn’t have a clue what we had started.)

My own induction into the group was as out of character for me as possible. You see, it turns out I’m a house potato. A house potato is similar to a couch potato but mashed and served with butter. Instead of being in front of a TV all the time, I was in my house all the time. You know the type - I’m the neighbor that you wave at as you drive past, but not the one you invite to a barbecue. To this day I’m not sure my neighbors even know my name. However, things were about to change.

It was Halloween, and after an aggressive game of rock-paper-scissors (I won of course), I was awarded the right to take our Minion out trick-or-treating. Things didn’t go as planed. As we walked those cold dark streets, we heard a whisper on the wind, “mini punk…miniii pppuuunnnkk…!” Frightened we prepared to bolt when suddenly, out of the darkness, came the source of the haunting call - another Minion! She was out trick-or-treating with her mom and had recognized my daughter.

This was the beginning of the best adventure I didn’t know I was looking for. This was when I met the woman who would change my life and make me use the word Bitch in public. Bitch was so easy to talk to, that I immediately felt comfortable with her. When she offered to let us walk with them - in fact, demanded we do so, I did not even hesitate to agree. She even offered to protect us from the ghosts and the other ghouls of the night by bringing her very big dog with us. Before I knew it, we were sharing secrets and planning slumber parties…ok so the kids were. We moms were planning sleeping-in parties. The result was the beginning of a successful relationship.

I asked Bitch once why she did it. Why did she decide to let me into her life? She said she is just a good judge of character. For this I am grateful. I could never be Punk without my Momadonnas!

You might be a Momadonna if.....

When you tell some one you are "on the same page" it means you are actually reading with your children this time.

You might be a Momadonna if….

You invite all your friends to an outdoor BBQ in the dead of winter.

You might be a Momadonna if....

You argue that dancing should replace baseball as our national pastime.

You might be a Momadonna if….

You say you “think out of the box” because you only drink wine that comes from bottles.

Scary Movie Night Update

Update:
Ringleader made it through the night with only minimal damage. Nothing that a few sessions with The Professional can't cure.

Bitch brought "The Stranger's" as her scary movie pick. She figured if she couldn't scare Ringleader with anything "devil" related, she'd scare her with something about being home alone, with three maniacs tormenting you and scaring the living daylights out of you until you get killed. It worked. Ringleader made her stay a little while until all the doors and windows were checked, and double checked.

Luckily, there were plenty of goodies to keep Ringleader's mouth busy long enough to prevent any real screaming, until the end, but she won't go on about that. Oh and she did stop breathing, but just for half the movie. :)

You might be a momadonna if...

Whenever you hear someone yell "Bitch" you look around and smile.

Momadonnas jokes

You might be a Momadonna if...

you think chocolate pie is something to play in.

Dancing with the LLs!

Now you know the moms love to dance and will use any excuse to do so, well last weekend was no exception. It all started when one of our LL’s (lovely ladies) said she had a bad day a week or two ago and suddenly there was no choice: we had to go DANCING! Dancing is the ultimate cure for about anything. You didn’t get that raise? You need to go dancing. Your accessory is giving you a hard time? You need to go dancing (probably without him). Your house is a mess? You need to go dancing. See it fixes everything!

Dancing, however, is not always as easy as it seems. There is so much more work involved in the process than you would think. For example, at clubs they don’t even start dancing until 10:30 – 11 PM whereas Momadonnas start at 10 AM. That’s a long time for a mom to wait to get her groove on. So we always show up way too early. Of course there are some benefits to showing up early - you can get a good table. This weekend it was the table that really mattered. I dare say we had the best people watching ever!

As you know you never want to be first on the dance floor. This is because those who are will either be crazy or very good dancers. The dancers at our club were definitely the crazy kind. Prior to describing our fellow dancers I would like point out this was not a theme night, there was no special dress code, it was just an average night at the club. We danced with or near the following:

• The Brittanys - larger ladies dressed as schoolgirls.
• Jell-O – named because when she did her dance routine (including half-splits) her thighs jiggled so. It was hypnotic and we couldn’t stop looking … honest we tried we really tried. Then there was the fact that Jell-O also had her shorts on inside out…we know because we saw the tag and she is a medium.
• • Chester the molester –this boy could not keep his hands off girls and was refused by 25 ladies before we lost count. Nothing could deter him, not even flashing a wedding ring in his face. Finally, we were forced to tell him “come on loosen up” is not a good pick up line. I sure hope he was listening!
• Tank girl – she was a very skinny young thing who had on a short dress, no make that a long tank top, no-no a short dress hmmm…. maybe a dress tank top? We couldn’t decide but it was very sparkly and we all had to look. So we started a poll with other dancers. The result was inconclusive but I’m leading toward a tank top used as a dress.
• Homie – he was dressed like a west coast thug in sunglasses (and no the dance floor was not that bright). He danced by himself all night but we didn’t mind, he seemed to be enjoying it.
• Spiderman – yep this one was in full costume fake muscles and all!

Ahhhh dancing, and people watching its all in a days work for a Momadonna.

Scary Movie Night

Bitch and Ringleader have a tradition every October, they have a scary movie night. They stay up late and when the kids are in bed and they are all ALONE (no accessories allowed in the house) they watch a scary, creepy, gory, gross, horror movie and freak each other out. Bitch freaks Ringleader out by just making her watch the movie and Ringleader scares Bitch by screaming really loudly when something particularly horrible occurs. Of course we won’t mention the times when Bitch jumps out from behind a wall to scare Ringleader or when during the most intense part of the movie she grabs Ringleader from behind. All and all it’s good scary fun. At this point you will notice the rest of us don’t volunteer to stay over that night. Not that we Moms haven’t had our share of sleepovers. We have been known –as adults- to stay up late giving each other pedicures and telling ghost stories. However, scary movie night is not the time for such frivolities.

This tradition started when Bitch was lonely on a night when Ringleader’s accessory just so happened to be out of town. So she came over and brought a movie to watch- A HORROR movie, Ringleader’s least favorite genre. This one in particular broke all the rules (which were to be established after this exact night). The rules are as follows:
1. No demons
2. No devils
3. No satan
4. No possession
5. No hell
6. No dammed…..are you sensing a theme?

Based on these guidelines: once a year, date predetermined (but always in the month of October because it is the month of Halloween after all) Bitch is allowed to pick out a horror movie of her choice. As Bitch seems to have no fear of her own, the movies are pretty scary such as Mirrors, Descent and others we don’t dare mention around Ringleader as she is still traumatized and is currently in counseling with The Professional. Since then a few other rules have been implemented:
1. Lots of food - Food is a must, preferably cheesecake in large pieces. Going through 5 boxes of random Weight Watches desserts just doesn't cut it.
2. Red wine - Something with a title like vampire wine works well.
3. Bitch must stay over until Ringleader feels safe enough to go to bed on her own.

What’s in store for this year? The cheesecake is on order and movies have been picked. Now all we have to do is make sure Punk and The Professional will have their phones turned off before Ringleaders inevitable midnight call.

BBQ with the Moms

Mom advice - Life gets busy don’t let it stop you.

Finding the time to get together can be difficult and there isn’t always a giant chocolate pie to jump into. So when you want to hang out with the moms you have to get organized. The Momadonnas are queens at being organized and always have a back up plan. We call it plan “B” as in Barbecue. That’s because plan “B” IS A BARBECUE. We figure you have to eat anyway so why not do it together….

And just what does a Momadonna Barbecue look like? There’s lots of laughing and lots of food. We will barbecue anything from Steak and lobster to pizza (Now that was an adventure! Just watch the crust to make sure it’s done). That said my favorite thing to watch them barbecue is Bling’s six-inch burger. Yes six inch, not the six-dollar burger that’s from Carl’s jr. and this burger does measure up to 6 inches when it’s fully loaded! However that is just too much burger for a camera to capture, so for the picture above we had to make it plain in order to fit.

Why a BBQ? Other than the food a barbecue is a great way to relax and be you. For example last week Bitch let out a burp that not only earned her a few high fives but a marriage proposal as well. Another reason to have a BBQ is because it’s outside. We love being outside. The atmosphere and the quiet are quite fulfilling. Not that it is really all that quiet, for we moms can be quite loud. Even the Minions benefit from being out doors. We moms appreciate them more when they are outside. That is probably because they are MUCH MUCH MUCH less noisy outside than when they are stuck in a 12x12 room with you! However, as always when you bring Minions into the equation, you have to set rules. Here are the rules of BBQ:
1. No tattling
2. No tattling
3. Hey! Knock it off and stop tattling!
Hmm they sound a bit like all our other rules don’t they.

Road Tripping with the Minions (AKA Children)

It’s that time of year again and in a last ditch effort to get the most out of the fading summer months the moms go Road Trippen. Last weekend alone, 3 of the 4 Momadonnas were out on the road having adventures.

As moms we feel it is our obligation to bring our children along (Who knows they may just learn something). This is also in our best interest, for as any modern - moving going mother knows, a child will throw a party and destroy your house if left alone for any period of time.

Taking a child on a road trip can be demanding and things have changed in the last few years. The whole process of taking a road trip has changed as well. If you have been 26 for over 10 years as I have, you’ll remember the good old days of road trips. The days before we had all these rules to follow. You know, back in the days when the only “car seats” we talked about were “bench” or “bucket”. Back then your parents would load up the car with trip essentials and then they would try and stuff the kids in-between boxes and bags (sometimes horizontally). You were lucky to find the seat and even luckier if you had a seat belt.

The modern road trip process is more sophisticated than it used to be. The children are more sophisticated too. They actually expect a seat in the car! They have learned not to ask “are we there yet?” Instead asking “how many miles until the next town?” or “How fast are you going?” (Honest, at 10 my daughter was asking both and she didn’t even realize it was a real life story problem so she didn’t complain about the math!) Although it’s possible the children may enjoy the trip, it’s still a good idea to have a back up plan. Here are a few suggestions from the Momadonnas:

• Duct tape – Just kidding I don’t even keep it in the car (I’m too afraid I would use it).
• Goody bag – just be careful where you stow it. I know of children who would sneak a snack when their mom was dozing (in the passenger seat!).
• Sing with the Stereo – Either the children will sing with you or cover their ears. The Greece soundtrack seems to work well for me but my Minion plugs her ears. Of course that could be just because I can’t hold a tune, for who does not just LOVE Greece?
• Ipod – This is very handy especially with earphones. We tried streaming netfix. Unfortunately, that did not work so well in the middle of nowhere without any reception. However you can download games and movies too. Just make sure not to place the ipod on the dashboard. I know of one mom who ran off the road because she got distracted watching “her little TV”.
• DVD player – bigger than an ipod but still as riveting this works well on children, however one last piece of advice DON’T let kids watch Disney’s “UP!” it has been known to cause Minions to yell squirrel every half-mile…

What can you learn from the Momadonnas?

I love being a Momadonna. When people ask why I do a Mom blog I answer because its fun, but now I find myself wondering why would anyone want to read the blog? Is it because we have something to offer other moms…OMG can people actually learn from our experiences? I think so. Therefore, I have compiled a list of what you can learn from the Momadonnas.

You can learn how to:
Experience life, to go out there and try things! (Momadonnas take the bull by the horns!)
Budget effectively. (How to have fun on $20 or less)
Show affection for your spouse - possibly with cake. (The Accessories)
Be the best you can be. A Mom is a superhero to someone. (Moms Unite!)
Appreciate diversity. (Comfort Foods)
How to make an appropriate dessert for any situation. (Short Pie)
Declare your own independence! (Declaration of wine dependence)
Let us strive to improve ourselves. (Vegas or BUST and Better Moms)
Let go of fear. (Carrots)
Don’t take yourself too seriously. (Locked Out)
Acknowledge your own self worth. (It’s MY Turn)
Making the most of any situation. (Civic Duty)
Try something new. (Beginnings)
How to have fun! (Everything we have written)

Back to School Party

The kids are back in school and now is the time for a back to school party! However, as you know, the Momadonnas do things a bit differently so this back to school party was for the moms. Yes that’s correct – THE MOMS. We moms love it when the Minions go back to school. It reduces our worries and adds some structure to our lives. So we decided that before the homework gets four feet deep and the children start a mutiny we ought to throw a party. Like on the Bounty, the Minions may mutiny when they compare the idyllic summer life to the harsh reality of school.

Invites were sent to all the mothers we could find explaining how it was good for moms to get to know each other, bond, and talk about the children behind their little backs. Presto! The back to school party was on. I will point out the moms were not the only ones at the party. We invited the minions too. We had to. It is important that they also enjoy going back to school and its not like we do much of anything without them anyway. Hmmm and maybe just maybe we didn’t want to pay for a baby sitter.

Ok, ok so its possible the party wasn’t quite the quick fix it sounds. There was a bit of work and research involved. For example, going to Familyfun.com to find out how to make crowns for our cup cakes. This proved harder than I thought and ours ended up looking a more like the leaning tower of Pisa but short, flat and bumpy. There was also some shopping to be done. Not that I’m complaining about having to do a little shopping. That would be very un-mom like and I did find the cutest little shoes on sale… ahhh shoes. Anyway we just had to have the perfect cups (bright colored plastic martini glasses) and mini magic wands (to mix our drinks with). When all the preparations were complete it was time to relax and reap the benefits of all that hard work.

The party was a success and even though we had to share our queen mom cupcakes and drinks with the Minions, we still had fun.

Momadonnas take the bull by the horns!

I would never have ridden the bull without the moms - watch out this just might be a serious story!

There are times in life when you look around you and smile at where life has taken you. I found myself in that situation last Saturday when I mounted a mechanical bull. I had always wanted to try one. I was sure I would be a good rider and I was! I lasted almost 2 seconds (they were very long for seconds). This is a new experience for me, both riding the bull and getting out there. In the past when an opportunity like this came up I may have talked about it but in the end I would always chicken out. This was true even if I was the only one there and no one was watching (or listening in the case of karaoke). This time it was different. I thought about the Momadonnas and how much fun we would have with our own mechanical bull. I asked my self “What if we could rent one of these for a party? Wouldn’t that drive the neighbors and the Minions crazy? Gosh shouldn’t I just test it to make sure it is fun….” Next thing you know I’m up (and back down – about as fast as you read this) but the point is I did it and with people watching!

Because of the Momadonnas I am always thinking about what we moms can do or accomplish. This is both for fun and sanity (you need a lot of help to stay sane these days). Experience is a great teacher and the moms and I have been through a lot.

So now I find myself pricing mechanical bull rentals. I can see it now a wild mechanical bull (with lots of soft mats) pulled up in a trailer in front of my house. All the neighbor kids watching and drooling as we moms (queens of our domain) concur the bull. Then we ride off into the sunset laughing…on our mechanical bull.

How to have fun on $20 or less - Mustaches

There is nothing sexier than Girls with mustaches. Anyone will tell you a little bit of facial hair on a female can go a long way…. The Momadonnas say mustaches in particular can make or break a party. Think about it without a mustache you cannot be one of the three amigos or hang with Groucho Marx! As Momadonnas we cannot grow our own (definitely CAN NOT grow our own – no matter what you say or see including any waxing – CAN NOT ok sorry back to the story) so we have to buy them. We would suggest the self-adhesive kind. A multi pack should work nicely. When it comes to mustaches we feel we have been particularly creative. Therefore, we are comfortable giving the masses a few of our fashion tips. First try multiple mustaches on one individual. You will be amazed at all the places you can put them. Another favorite of the moms is mustache eyebrows. By adding mustaches to your eyebrows (the darker and bushier the better) you can effectively accentuate your facial expressions. May we also suggest the unibrow? It makes quite an impression. The Momadonnas had so much fun with our mustaches we felt obligated to share this joy with the Accessories and Minions. The poor Minions were inspired at first, but soon we had them crying. Who knew that the adhesive would stick so well?

The Accessories

The poor Accessories they never get enough attention and have to put up with a lot to be with us. For those who have not read our definitions Accessories are our men and we love our men! I ask you, would we give them their own name (i.e. Accessories) if we did not adore them? Would we allow them to stand near us if we did not appreciate them and find value in them (value - like making us look soooo good when they are standing there at our sides)? No we wouldn’t. I want to reassure all of you that although we joke and tease them, we would never go without them (except on girls nights, holidays, parties, dancing, shopping, weekends, pedicures and the entire month of October) and I’m sure they find being with us worth the rewards. I will not go into details on the rewards – this is NOT that kind of blog!

As proof of our affection for the Accessories we offer last weekends surprise party. This party was held in honor of one of the Accessories and like all Momadonna parties it started with a mess. Of course I must add it was on purpose as everything we do always is. We started our party by sitting our accessory of choice down and displaying for him a sample of our cooking prowess. As Bitch held the cake up to him to admire he dutifully sniffed the cake – wait sniffed our cake! What the @#%? Bitch would not put up with that and with a smile on her face she promptly smooshed the cake into his. Most of the cake survived so later that night we still had a snack. However you will note we ate all around the edges of the cake while carefully avoiding the nose print in the middle.

For the Accessories entertainment we were kind enough to pull out the fire pit. As you know fire works well on Accessories. They are hypnotized by it and are known to sit next to it for hours. Well sitting isn’t exactly correct it is more like picking and prodding at it. We let them. For we feel it is good for the Accessories to think they have control over something. Then since this was a celebration we decided to give them a little lighter fluid in which to work with. They were in heaven right up until the point where we had to take the lighter fluid away. This was necessary due to the fact the fire was now as high as the second story windows of the house. We didn’t want the fire department over again (but that story is for another day)

All and all we had a lovely party for our accessory. We had our music, our dancing, our drinks, our food and we didn’t even have to cook it (other Accessories did that for us). Even when it rained we found a way to enjoy that too – think punk dancing. We had a good time I think the Accessories may have too….I forgot to ask them.

Moms Unite!

When life gets difficult and tragedy strikes the moms band together and unite!

We put on our capes and gather our crew
Next out come the wine glasses both old and new
Then we clink our glasses together and shout:
Wonder moms activate?

Nah that does not seem to work it doesn’t even rhyme. How about “there is no need to fear the Momadonnas are here!” OR “In brightest day in blackest night no children shall escape my sight!”

Being a mom is like being a superhero. Moms just don’t get credit for our super powers. (I dare anyone to say moms do not have super powers. You know we do. If you hesitate to believe me wait until I talk you into doing something you didn’t want to…then as you complete that task you “didn’t want to do” you will see the extent of a moms true power.) We know moms are superheroes and the Momadonnas would like to rectify this oversight. So we officially declare all moms should be given superhero status. You know anything we declare is now fact (if only in our own minds)! That said I think we are ready to try again.

When things look bad go to hell the Momadonnas will together yell:

“To all the sprinklers that break and spray,
and the all-bad drivers that get in our way.
To all our enemies both big and small,
from weeds and dogs to anything at all.
We give you fair warning these moms can fight.
For nothing can stop us when we unite!”

Go Mom Power!

Comfort Foods

The Momadonnas believe in comfort foods. Their healing powers go beyond that of science and straight to the heart. Sometimes you just need a little something to pick you up so we have been experimenting. The result is a good list of foods everyone needs when they are having a bad day. However, due to the fact that there are now so many kinds of comfort foods on our list that it takes three pages just to get past chocolate, we will endeavor to talk about only our top choice

Punk believes the top ranking comfort food should be all things deep fat fried with cheese on top. As for the rest of the group they believe wine is the ultimate comfort food. Wine is a good comfort food because it relaxes you and makes you happy. I have found that we are not the only females who feel this way. All women do. According to one analyst’s article I read: women are buying more than 6 out of every 10 wine bottles sold in this the United States. Of course the Momadonnas single handedly are buying 5 of those 6 so the study maybe bias.

They say you are what you drink (or something like that – just go with me here). So if what we drink reflects who we are then we are definitely wine. Start with the shape of the bottle. A wine bottle is not like a beer container, all round and compact. No that is not like us at all. A wine bottle has such soft lines and curves. Just like us. We have all kinds of lines and curves. Not necessarily in that order and we like to throw a few bumps and jags in when you least expect it. There is also the way you drink it. Sharing a bottle of wine with someone is so much more personal than just sitting down and ordering a few “drinks". Being with the Moms is like sharing a bottle. We have shared so much and become so close it has gone beyond just being personal. We are so close now that I can tell you what each member is doing at any point of time during the day and knowing that can be somewhat embarrassing (just think Bitch in the bathroom).

Wine is also a bit elite much like us. Yes, the way I see it the Momadonnas should be classified as a luxury good just like expensive wine is. It is all about the naughty, decadent feeling of enjoying a luxury good (I will describe anything with the words naughty and decadent whenever possible). We just enjoy ourselves way too much not to be considered a luxury. However, unlike wine, you can’t get the cork back in us after we get going. We know some have tried, all have failed. Another reason the Momadonns like wine is because of the flavor. We relish the complexities of all the different varietals. Our group is nothing if not complex and full of different varietals (or as we like to call our variety – distinctive personalities or quirks).

Wine is so popular that many famous personalities have written about it like Benjamin Franklin, William Shakespeare, and Karl Marx. I think Karl Marx summed it up best when he said: “Be careful to trust a person who does not like wine.” The Momadonnas are very careful and we are watching those of you who do not imbibe. We know what you are up to…. yes we do. You are stealing Punk’s deep fat fried food.

Now wine is not just a comfort food. Through studies it has also been proven to be good you over the long term. I am happy to report that wine may do all of the following:

1. Help preserve your memory.
2. ……….... I can’t remember the rest.

short pie

the Pie

coming soon

an explanation of this:

The Declaration of Wine Dependence

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for moms to dissolve the worries of the day they shall band with one another and drink some wine.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that (initially) all portions should be crated equal, That all wine should be consumed in the pursuit of Happiness, and that in the process of drinking each should imbibe at her own pace according to her own tastes and temperament. We understand that each wine is endowed by its creator with certain unalienable characteristics such as vintage and age. Therefore both whites and reds shall be consumed. – That to secure these characteristics Mom Rules are instituted among Momadonnas, deriving their just powers from themselves and not of the governed (i.e. minions and sometimes accessories). Momadonnas compassionately lay the foundation of these “Mom Rules”, as to them shall seem most likely to affect the minions safety and happiness.

Mom Rules

Prudence is encouraged. No minion should approach a Momadonna without careful evaluation of his or her request. Any request considered unnecessary or tattling will be ignored.

Accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind is more disposed to suffer, were the Momadonnas to go “with out”. Therefore upon request all Accessories should be willing to bring home pizza, cook steak and run to the store for more wine. A magnum or two should do.

We find while some evils are sufferable no glass should go empty. The Momadonnas declare that all glasses should be re-filled at anytime by anyone walking by with the expectation that the Momadonnas shall never go dry.

We, the Momadonnas, by our own Authority do solemnly publish and declare, that this Declaration of Wine Dependence stands for us, with us and sometimes against us.

Punk Hancock
Ringleader Hancock
Bitch Hancock
The Professional Hancock

Better Moms

As you know from the last few posts the Momadonnas are always trying to better themselves. Whither it is eating appropriately or running in the big race the result is the same: better MOMS! We know this is not necessary that we improve, for we are practically perfect as is, but we like to think there is always a challenge we can face. Momadonnas love to conquer challenges and bask in our glory – the victory dance is pretty good too.

There is, of course, one other reason… a dark hidden one. We need to stop the minions from taking over the world. The minions are 10 now and their plotting has increased in complexity with age. They now act and think independently of the moms. We are doing our best to hold them back and keep them babies, but they keep growing and maturing. Soon they will be independent taller versions of themselves. (The very idea of the minions getting taller is scary. For example how will we give them “the look”? As any mom knows it is not as effective giving “the look” when you are looking up at someone instead of down.) The Momadonnas know we will need to develop new skills to keep the minions under control. So we work on us. The more we do the more we learn and the better person we can become the better moms we will be. We know in the end the world will thank us… or if we don’t succeed and the Minions do take over the world then at least we will know we gave it our all.

VEGAS or BUST!

The Momadonnas are always looking for ways to sneak in a mini-vacay and what better place for glitz and glamour than VEGAS? The Ringleader figured out a way to go, even if it means running her butt off-literally, for reals. She is competing in Ragnar Las Vegas (a 198 mile relay race) in October! Yes-she's crazy, we tried telling her that but she only laughs and says "I know!"

Of course, she is enlisting in the cheer leading efforts of the other Momadonnas to help her with training and motivation and even keeping the minion's for her for a couple days. But, she is secretly planning a way for all the Momadonnas to go with her and cheer her on. She is even contemplating drawing up some matching shirts (pink of course) for them to wear to show their support! It's good to have Momadonna support. It means that you are never, ever doing something all on your own and there is always a mom whose got your back.