Better Moms

As you know from the last few posts the Momadonnas are always trying to better themselves. Whither it is eating appropriately or running in the big race the result is the same: better MOMS! We know this is not necessary that we improve, for we are practically perfect as is, but we like to think there is always a challenge we can face. Momadonnas love to conquer challenges and bask in our glory – the victory dance is pretty good too.

There is, of course, one other reason… a dark hidden one. We need to stop the minions from taking over the world. The minions are 10 now and their plotting has increased in complexity with age. They now act and think independently of the moms. We are doing our best to hold them back and keep them babies, but they keep growing and maturing. Soon they will be independent taller versions of themselves. (The very idea of the minions getting taller is scary. For example how will we give them “the look”? As any mom knows it is not as effective giving “the look” when you are looking up at someone instead of down.) The Momadonnas know we will need to develop new skills to keep the minions under control. So we work on us. The more we do the more we learn and the better person we can become the better moms we will be. We know in the end the world will thank us… or if we don’t succeed and the Minions do take over the world then at least we will know we gave it our all.

VEGAS or BUST!

The Momadonnas are always looking for ways to sneak in a mini-vacay and what better place for glitz and glamour than VEGAS? The Ringleader figured out a way to go, even if it means running her butt off-literally, for reals. She is competing in Ragnar Las Vegas (a 198 mile relay race) in October! Yes-she's crazy, we tried telling her that but she only laughs and says "I know!"

Of course, she is enlisting in the cheer leading efforts of the other Momadonnas to help her with training and motivation and even keeping the minion's for her for a couple days. But, she is secretly planning a way for all the Momadonnas to go with her and cheer her on. She is even contemplating drawing up some matching shirts (pink of course) for them to wear to show their support! It's good to have Momadonna support. It means that you are never, ever doing something all on your own and there is always a mom whose got your back.

As you know (if you have read the book) Punk is not a good eater and since she is going on 26 for the 12th year now she really needs to start watching her diet. Therefore, Punk has a goal …well actually Bitch has a goal for her which is almost the same thing. She is going to learn to eat real people food, but where to start? It would have to be something healthy (because if it is not I guarantee she would already be eating it) and preferably a vegetable of some sort. Now Punk does not do vegetables. In fact she doesn’t even know the name of most vegetables. She just calls everything “green stuff” or “salad”. When ordering a meal at a restaurant she has been known to ask for her meal to be naked. Which means no vegetables to her and always seems to get a response from the waiter. So what could Bitch get her to eat? Why Carrots! They have the perfect texture all crunchy and sweet. Nothing soft or squishy about them! Momadonnas are not known to be a very squishy bunch. Carrots are also easy to come by and there is absolutely no chance Punk can say, “oh it was camouflaged in that salad” because of its bright orange color. SO it has started. Every time Punk sees a carrot she has to take a bite of one. Well maybe not in the grocery store….who wants to buy a carrot with a bite out of it? Any other time she will – it could be at a party when someone brings a platter of veggies or she can grab one out of a friend’s salad at a restaurant. Hmmm, a stranger’s salad may work well too. What good stories we will have then! So far she is up to three, yes three bites, but it’s a start. Maybe we should have a carrot count down to see how for she gets? No lets not have a count down it would take way too long. You see we’re on week two now and look at the progress (not much). So far the cheese fries seem to be winning…..

Locked Out

You know the old saying sh*@% (poop) happens? Well it happens to Momadonnas too. I know this comes as a surprise to most, but from time to time we have the most outrageous adventures without having to leave the back yard. Like the time we locked ourselves out of the house…oh you haven’t heard that one yet? Well then, let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time there was a sliding glass door (lots of stories start that way don’t they?). This door just happened to be attached to Ringleader's House and the Momadonnas were sitting outside enjoying the atmosphere (as they tend to do on most sunny days). You know how when you are on vacation you put a board in the track of the sliding glass door to prevent it from being pried open? Well this sliding glass door just happened to have one of those boards. Ah, you see where this is going don’t you.... The moms never saw it coming. The poor little board didn't mean to cause any trouble. In fact it was discreetly tucked out of the way in the corner, leaning on the side of the door. This was right about the time Bitch closed the door. Yes you guessed it the board slipped and as the moms watched in horror their access to the house was denied them.

At first this was a pleasure, but then Ringleader found she needed to use the bathroom. Now you know how the Momadonnas love to dance…well this wasn’t one of those times. The Momadonnas told ourselves that we should not worry much (it could ruin our reputation), surely one of the Minions would come to our rescue. However, for once, they seemed to be getting along. Not a single one of them came out to tattle on each other or ask for a snack. We waited and waited and waited. Still no children to bother us! Here was a once in a lifetime event and we couldn’t even appreciate it! Finally when we could take it no longer Ringleader said “I guess we will have to get up and go in through the bedroom door - it is open” and we did. Of course within five minutes of this the minions came out asking for snacks.

Something New For You!

The Momadonnas like to drink things when we get together. This is no secret. The drink of choice is usually wine (which you know if you've read the book or this blog), but every once in awhile wine gets oh so boring and the Momadonnas must come together and invent something new and fun (and preferably pink, but that can be hard to do) to stimulate our imaginations. Punk decided we absolutely must share these amazing drink making talents of ours with you, our very special followers. So as a special treat to you, we shall begin to post our delish (and sometimes blech!) "Drink of the Week"!

Now, this isn't just for your pleasure because we Momadonnas mostly do things that benefit ourselves. Therefore, we are excited because this weekly blogging will force us to create a new drink every week! YAY for that!

We will use a wine rating. It shall go a little something like this:

Best drink EVER! We must drink more of this, now.


Yummy! That's pretty good, let's put this in the recipe book.

Hmmm, it's okay. Not to bad but not sure if I'd make it again.

Yeah, not so much.


WHAT WERE WE THINKING! Total waste of alcohol. Blech!

It's MY Turn.

You know that song "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story? I have my own revision for that song tonight. It goes a little something like this:

I feel bitchy, oh so bitchy......you get the idea.

No really, I do. It's definitely my turn to take the "Drama Queen" title and as stated in the rules and regulations of the book, I AM ENTITLED to take a turn.

Now I am fully aware that my partners in crime, aka: the other momadonnas, will read this and I am totally okay with that. They need to know that I feel this way every once in awhile and they will love me for it anyway and chalk it up to it being my time of the month, my Drama Queen week, not enough wine in my bloodstream, whatever they want to call it. The fact remains, tonight I feel BITCHY!

Can I just say that sometimes being Ringleader SUCKS! Sometimes I really hate having to plan everything. I hate having it all together. I hate that people expect me to have it all together. I hate having to feel like I must apologize for an untidy house. I hate feeling like I have to keep a clean house to live up to someones expectations (like maybe my father will pop in to say "hi" one day and and my house will be a mess and he will tell me he raised me better than that and I will freak out and feel like a failure of a daughter, mother and housewife). Wow, deep rooted issues warning-better call The Professional! Sometimes I hate having all the play dates at my house. I must admit that every once in awhile I feel totally completely used and abused. I don't want to be the person that people always want to be friends with. I don't like that some people think I have the perfect marriage because while it's pretty close, it's not 100% perfect and we do fight and I want to be able to tell people my lover-hunny-sexy buns can be a complete total ass sometimes (so can I, but this is about me and I'm not about to admit I can be a total bitchy nagging ass while I'm on my "me, me, me" rant!) I want to be the flake! I want to be the one that people expect will be late or forgetful. I don't want to be the one people call to help out because I always say yes. Wow, look at all those "I's", I'm feeling pretty selfish tonight aren't I?

I just want to sit in my self-imposed misery and drink a bottle (notice I didn't say glass...why lie?) of wine. So tonight, I will.

Tomorrow I will feel differently. Tomorrow I will enjoy that people look up to me and ask me for help because of my superior organizing, planning, cleaning, hosting, punctual, I-will-never-say-no, skills (and believe me, they are some pretty magnificent skills!) I will enjoy the fact that I do indeed like to have these get togethers at my house all the time because I know my daughter is safe which is a HUGE stress relief and hey---someone has to do it or we'd never drink any wine and I'd become a lonely "drinks a bottle a night by herself" kinda girl! I will be fine and things will all go back to the way they were intended to be. But tonight,

I WANT TO BE THE FLAKE!

Wow-great to get that off my surgically altered post child bearing, breast feeding chest. As a momadonna, I am privileged to be allowed to expose my feelings via this blog or directly into the path of another poor momadonna who happens to call to ask "How was your day?". I chose to take a less "in your face" route for fear one of them would hang up on me.

Us Momadonnas have it rough. We each struggle with all our own daily trials along with work issues, keeping the "bling bling" happy, not killing the minions, feeding the dog...you name it. I am so blessed to have found a group of women who can read this, know I am letting off steam, love me tomorrow and STILL tell me I am beautiful and they love me. They better...or I will have to cut wine rations...again!

Civic Duty

The Momadonnas are very conscientious and always want to help out. So why is it that when we are called for Jury Duty we hope to “get out of it?” If it was shopping duty we would be the first in line…so what is it about Jury Duty we find so undesirable?

Jury Duty is actually a perfect environment for the Momadonnas. There is nothing half so pleasing as being surrounded by a room full of men, in suits, who all want to be your best friend. They love to impress you and will stand up every time you enter or leave a room. You even get your own man in uniform who is just dying to open a few doors for you (now only if the other men in our lives would remember to do that). You are the star of the show and everyone knows it. In fact as a member of the Jury everyone in the room is very interested and centered around you.

Its like a good date. You get lots of attention. The men take the time to listen to your background. They love to ask, “Where are you from? What do you do for a living?” Then after you have told them all about you they still want to ask a few more questions. You can rest assured that they will absorb everything you say. After that, if you are lucky enough to stay on for the trial, they will spend the rest of the day telling you interesting stories and feeding you lunch. All this without children! Now doesn’t that sound like a good day?

Momadonnas think all moms should definitely try a court day. How often do you get an excuse get dressed up? Hey its court - they don’t mind if you take yourself too seriously…I mean they do. I would suggest a slightly less wild outfit than Punks usual. Maybe something more like what The Professional would wear. That said Punk did manage to go to court in a shirt with a skull on it. You also never know whom you will meet. One mom friend of ours was invited to go out boating after the trial (and yes we all asked how big the boat was…not big enough). Finally, if your still unconvinced let me tell you everyone has to listen to you. It’s true, in that jury room when you are deliberating they have to listen to you. Especially in cases where the decision has to be unanimous and everyone must agree beyond a reasonable doubt. If they don’t listen to, or acknowledge, your concerns then they will be stuck in that little room all day.

Besides who else is more qualified than a mom for a jury? We are used to making tough decisions. We get lots of practice between the minions and the accessories. We also have a keen since as to what is right…. Moms are right and don’t you forget it.