Momadonnas take the bull by the horns!

I would never have ridden the bull without the moms - watch out this just might be a serious story!

There are times in life when you look around you and smile at where life has taken you. I found myself in that situation last Saturday when I mounted a mechanical bull. I had always wanted to try one. I was sure I would be a good rider and I was! I lasted almost 2 seconds (they were very long for seconds). This is a new experience for me, both riding the bull and getting out there. In the past when an opportunity like this came up I may have talked about it but in the end I would always chicken out. This was true even if I was the only one there and no one was watching (or listening in the case of karaoke). This time it was different. I thought about the Momadonnas and how much fun we would have with our own mechanical bull. I asked my self “What if we could rent one of these for a party? Wouldn’t that drive the neighbors and the Minions crazy? Gosh shouldn’t I just test it to make sure it is fun….” Next thing you know I’m up (and back down – about as fast as you read this) but the point is I did it and with people watching!

Because of the Momadonnas I am always thinking about what we moms can do or accomplish. This is both for fun and sanity (you need a lot of help to stay sane these days). Experience is a great teacher and the moms and I have been through a lot.

So now I find myself pricing mechanical bull rentals. I can see it now a wild mechanical bull (with lots of soft mats) pulled up in a trailer in front of my house. All the neighbor kids watching and drooling as we moms (queens of our domain) concur the bull. Then we ride off into the sunset laughing…on our mechanical bull.

How to have fun on $20 or less - Mustaches

There is nothing sexier than Girls with mustaches. Anyone will tell you a little bit of facial hair on a female can go a long way…. The Momadonnas say mustaches in particular can make or break a party. Think about it without a mustache you cannot be one of the three amigos or hang with Groucho Marx! As Momadonnas we cannot grow our own (definitely CAN NOT grow our own – no matter what you say or see including any waxing – CAN NOT ok sorry back to the story) so we have to buy them. We would suggest the self-adhesive kind. A multi pack should work nicely. When it comes to mustaches we feel we have been particularly creative. Therefore, we are comfortable giving the masses a few of our fashion tips. First try multiple mustaches on one individual. You will be amazed at all the places you can put them. Another favorite of the moms is mustache eyebrows. By adding mustaches to your eyebrows (the darker and bushier the better) you can effectively accentuate your facial expressions. May we also suggest the unibrow? It makes quite an impression. The Momadonnas had so much fun with our mustaches we felt obligated to share this joy with the Accessories and Minions. The poor Minions were inspired at first, but soon we had them crying. Who knew that the adhesive would stick so well?

The Accessories

The poor Accessories they never get enough attention and have to put up with a lot to be with us. For those who have not read our definitions Accessories are our men and we love our men! I ask you, would we give them their own name (i.e. Accessories) if we did not adore them? Would we allow them to stand near us if we did not appreciate them and find value in them (value - like making us look soooo good when they are standing there at our sides)? No we wouldn’t. I want to reassure all of you that although we joke and tease them, we would never go without them (except on girls nights, holidays, parties, dancing, shopping, weekends, pedicures and the entire month of October) and I’m sure they find being with us worth the rewards. I will not go into details on the rewards – this is NOT that kind of blog!

As proof of our affection for the Accessories we offer last weekends surprise party. This party was held in honor of one of the Accessories and like all Momadonna parties it started with a mess. Of course I must add it was on purpose as everything we do always is. We started our party by sitting our accessory of choice down and displaying for him a sample of our cooking prowess. As Bitch held the cake up to him to admire he dutifully sniffed the cake – wait sniffed our cake! What the @#%? Bitch would not put up with that and with a smile on her face she promptly smooshed the cake into his. Most of the cake survived so later that night we still had a snack. However you will note we ate all around the edges of the cake while carefully avoiding the nose print in the middle.

For the Accessories entertainment we were kind enough to pull out the fire pit. As you know fire works well on Accessories. They are hypnotized by it and are known to sit next to it for hours. Well sitting isn’t exactly correct it is more like picking and prodding at it. We let them. For we feel it is good for the Accessories to think they have control over something. Then since this was a celebration we decided to give them a little lighter fluid in which to work with. They were in heaven right up until the point where we had to take the lighter fluid away. This was necessary due to the fact the fire was now as high as the second story windows of the house. We didn’t want the fire department over again (but that story is for another day)

All and all we had a lovely party for our accessory. We had our music, our dancing, our drinks, our food and we didn’t even have to cook it (other Accessories did that for us). Even when it rained we found a way to enjoy that too – think punk dancing. We had a good time I think the Accessories may have too….I forgot to ask them.

Moms Unite!

When life gets difficult and tragedy strikes the moms band together and unite!

We put on our capes and gather our crew
Next out come the wine glasses both old and new
Then we clink our glasses together and shout:
Wonder moms activate?

Nah that does not seem to work it doesn’t even rhyme. How about “there is no need to fear the Momadonnas are here!” OR “In brightest day in blackest night no children shall escape my sight!”

Being a mom is like being a superhero. Moms just don’t get credit for our super powers. (I dare anyone to say moms do not have super powers. You know we do. If you hesitate to believe me wait until I talk you into doing something you didn’t want to…then as you complete that task you “didn’t want to do” you will see the extent of a moms true power.) We know moms are superheroes and the Momadonnas would like to rectify this oversight. So we officially declare all moms should be given superhero status. You know anything we declare is now fact (if only in our own minds)! That said I think we are ready to try again.

When things look bad go to hell the Momadonnas will together yell:

“To all the sprinklers that break and spray,
and the all-bad drivers that get in our way.
To all our enemies both big and small,
from weeds and dogs to anything at all.
We give you fair warning these moms can fight.
For nothing can stop us when we unite!”

Go Mom Power!

Comfort Foods

The Momadonnas believe in comfort foods. Their healing powers go beyond that of science and straight to the heart. Sometimes you just need a little something to pick you up so we have been experimenting. The result is a good list of foods everyone needs when they are having a bad day. However, due to the fact that there are now so many kinds of comfort foods on our list that it takes three pages just to get past chocolate, we will endeavor to talk about only our top choice

Punk believes the top ranking comfort food should be all things deep fat fried with cheese on top. As for the rest of the group they believe wine is the ultimate comfort food. Wine is a good comfort food because it relaxes you and makes you happy. I have found that we are not the only females who feel this way. All women do. According to one analyst’s article I read: women are buying more than 6 out of every 10 wine bottles sold in this the United States. Of course the Momadonnas single handedly are buying 5 of those 6 so the study maybe bias.

They say you are what you drink (or something like that – just go with me here). So if what we drink reflects who we are then we are definitely wine. Start with the shape of the bottle. A wine bottle is not like a beer container, all round and compact. No that is not like us at all. A wine bottle has such soft lines and curves. Just like us. We have all kinds of lines and curves. Not necessarily in that order and we like to throw a few bumps and jags in when you least expect it. There is also the way you drink it. Sharing a bottle of wine with someone is so much more personal than just sitting down and ordering a few “drinks". Being with the Moms is like sharing a bottle. We have shared so much and become so close it has gone beyond just being personal. We are so close now that I can tell you what each member is doing at any point of time during the day and knowing that can be somewhat embarrassing (just think Bitch in the bathroom).

Wine is also a bit elite much like us. Yes, the way I see it the Momadonnas should be classified as a luxury good just like expensive wine is. It is all about the naughty, decadent feeling of enjoying a luxury good (I will describe anything with the words naughty and decadent whenever possible). We just enjoy ourselves way too much not to be considered a luxury. However, unlike wine, you can’t get the cork back in us after we get going. We know some have tried, all have failed. Another reason the Momadonns like wine is because of the flavor. We relish the complexities of all the different varietals. Our group is nothing if not complex and full of different varietals (or as we like to call our variety – distinctive personalities or quirks).

Wine is so popular that many famous personalities have written about it like Benjamin Franklin, William Shakespeare, and Karl Marx. I think Karl Marx summed it up best when he said: “Be careful to trust a person who does not like wine.” The Momadonnas are very careful and we are watching those of you who do not imbibe. We know what you are up to…. yes we do. You are stealing Punk’s deep fat fried food.

Now wine is not just a comfort food. Through studies it has also been proven to be good you over the long term. I am happy to report that wine may do all of the following:

1. Help preserve your memory.
2. ……….... I can’t remember the rest.

short pie

the Pie

coming soon

an explanation of this:

The Declaration of Wine Dependence

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for moms to dissolve the worries of the day they shall band with one another and drink some wine.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that (initially) all portions should be crated equal, That all wine should be consumed in the pursuit of Happiness, and that in the process of drinking each should imbibe at her own pace according to her own tastes and temperament. We understand that each wine is endowed by its creator with certain unalienable characteristics such as vintage and age. Therefore both whites and reds shall be consumed. – That to secure these characteristics Mom Rules are instituted among Momadonnas, deriving their just powers from themselves and not of the governed (i.e. minions and sometimes accessories). Momadonnas compassionately lay the foundation of these “Mom Rules”, as to them shall seem most likely to affect the minions safety and happiness.

Mom Rules

Prudence is encouraged. No minion should approach a Momadonna without careful evaluation of his or her request. Any request considered unnecessary or tattling will be ignored.

Accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind is more disposed to suffer, were the Momadonnas to go “with out”. Therefore upon request all Accessories should be willing to bring home pizza, cook steak and run to the store for more wine. A magnum or two should do.

We find while some evils are sufferable no glass should go empty. The Momadonnas declare that all glasses should be re-filled at anytime by anyone walking by with the expectation that the Momadonnas shall never go dry.

We, the Momadonnas, by our own Authority do solemnly publish and declare, that this Declaration of Wine Dependence stands for us, with us and sometimes against us.

Punk Hancock
Ringleader Hancock
Bitch Hancock
The Professional Hancock

Better Moms

As you know from the last few posts the Momadonnas are always trying to better themselves. Whither it is eating appropriately or running in the big race the result is the same: better MOMS! We know this is not necessary that we improve, for we are practically perfect as is, but we like to think there is always a challenge we can face. Momadonnas love to conquer challenges and bask in our glory – the victory dance is pretty good too.

There is, of course, one other reason… a dark hidden one. We need to stop the minions from taking over the world. The minions are 10 now and their plotting has increased in complexity with age. They now act and think independently of the moms. We are doing our best to hold them back and keep them babies, but they keep growing and maturing. Soon they will be independent taller versions of themselves. (The very idea of the minions getting taller is scary. For example how will we give them “the look”? As any mom knows it is not as effective giving “the look” when you are looking up at someone instead of down.) The Momadonnas know we will need to develop new skills to keep the minions under control. So we work on us. The more we do the more we learn and the better person we can become the better moms we will be. We know in the end the world will thank us… or if we don’t succeed and the Minions do take over the world then at least we will know we gave it our all.

VEGAS or BUST!

The Momadonnas are always looking for ways to sneak in a mini-vacay and what better place for glitz and glamour than VEGAS? The Ringleader figured out a way to go, even if it means running her butt off-literally, for reals. She is competing in Ragnar Las Vegas (a 198 mile relay race) in October! Yes-she's crazy, we tried telling her that but she only laughs and says "I know!"

Of course, she is enlisting in the cheer leading efforts of the other Momadonnas to help her with training and motivation and even keeping the minion's for her for a couple days. But, she is secretly planning a way for all the Momadonnas to go with her and cheer her on. She is even contemplating drawing up some matching shirts (pink of course) for them to wear to show their support! It's good to have Momadonna support. It means that you are never, ever doing something all on your own and there is always a mom whose got your back.

As you know (if you have read the book) Punk is not a good eater and since she is going on 26 for the 12th year now she really needs to start watching her diet. Therefore, Punk has a goal …well actually Bitch has a goal for her which is almost the same thing. She is going to learn to eat real people food, but where to start? It would have to be something healthy (because if it is not I guarantee she would already be eating it) and preferably a vegetable of some sort. Now Punk does not do vegetables. In fact she doesn’t even know the name of most vegetables. She just calls everything “green stuff” or “salad”. When ordering a meal at a restaurant she has been known to ask for her meal to be naked. Which means no vegetables to her and always seems to get a response from the waiter. So what could Bitch get her to eat? Why Carrots! They have the perfect texture all crunchy and sweet. Nothing soft or squishy about them! Momadonnas are not known to be a very squishy bunch. Carrots are also easy to come by and there is absolutely no chance Punk can say, “oh it was camouflaged in that salad” because of its bright orange color. SO it has started. Every time Punk sees a carrot she has to take a bite of one. Well maybe not in the grocery store….who wants to buy a carrot with a bite out of it? Any other time she will – it could be at a party when someone brings a platter of veggies or she can grab one out of a friend’s salad at a restaurant. Hmmm, a stranger’s salad may work well too. What good stories we will have then! So far she is up to three, yes three bites, but it’s a start. Maybe we should have a carrot count down to see how for she gets? No lets not have a count down it would take way too long. You see we’re on week two now and look at the progress (not much). So far the cheese fries seem to be winning…..

Locked Out

You know the old saying sh*@% (poop) happens? Well it happens to Momadonnas too. I know this comes as a surprise to most, but from time to time we have the most outrageous adventures without having to leave the back yard. Like the time we locked ourselves out of the house…oh you haven’t heard that one yet? Well then, let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time there was a sliding glass door (lots of stories start that way don’t they?). This door just happened to be attached to Ringleader's House and the Momadonnas were sitting outside enjoying the atmosphere (as they tend to do on most sunny days). You know how when you are on vacation you put a board in the track of the sliding glass door to prevent it from being pried open? Well this sliding glass door just happened to have one of those boards. Ah, you see where this is going don’t you.... The moms never saw it coming. The poor little board didn't mean to cause any trouble. In fact it was discreetly tucked out of the way in the corner, leaning on the side of the door. This was right about the time Bitch closed the door. Yes you guessed it the board slipped and as the moms watched in horror their access to the house was denied them.

At first this was a pleasure, but then Ringleader found she needed to use the bathroom. Now you know how the Momadonnas love to dance…well this wasn’t one of those times. The Momadonnas told ourselves that we should not worry much (it could ruin our reputation), surely one of the Minions would come to our rescue. However, for once, they seemed to be getting along. Not a single one of them came out to tattle on each other or ask for a snack. We waited and waited and waited. Still no children to bother us! Here was a once in a lifetime event and we couldn’t even appreciate it! Finally when we could take it no longer Ringleader said “I guess we will have to get up and go in through the bedroom door - it is open” and we did. Of course within five minutes of this the minions came out asking for snacks.

Something New For You!

The Momadonnas like to drink things when we get together. This is no secret. The drink of choice is usually wine (which you know if you've read the book or this blog), but every once in awhile wine gets oh so boring and the Momadonnas must come together and invent something new and fun (and preferably pink, but that can be hard to do) to stimulate our imaginations. Punk decided we absolutely must share these amazing drink making talents of ours with you, our very special followers. So as a special treat to you, we shall begin to post our delish (and sometimes blech!) "Drink of the Week"!

Now, this isn't just for your pleasure because we Momadonnas mostly do things that benefit ourselves. Therefore, we are excited because this weekly blogging will force us to create a new drink every week! YAY for that!

We will use a wine rating. It shall go a little something like this:

Best drink EVER! We must drink more of this, now.


Yummy! That's pretty good, let's put this in the recipe book.

Hmmm, it's okay. Not to bad but not sure if I'd make it again.

Yeah, not so much.


WHAT WERE WE THINKING! Total waste of alcohol. Blech!

It's MY Turn.

You know that song "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story? I have my own revision for that song tonight. It goes a little something like this:

I feel bitchy, oh so bitchy......you get the idea.

No really, I do. It's definitely my turn to take the "Drama Queen" title and as stated in the rules and regulations of the book, I AM ENTITLED to take a turn.

Now I am fully aware that my partners in crime, aka: the other momadonnas, will read this and I am totally okay with that. They need to know that I feel this way every once in awhile and they will love me for it anyway and chalk it up to it being my time of the month, my Drama Queen week, not enough wine in my bloodstream, whatever they want to call it. The fact remains, tonight I feel BITCHY!

Can I just say that sometimes being Ringleader SUCKS! Sometimes I really hate having to plan everything. I hate having it all together. I hate that people expect me to have it all together. I hate having to feel like I must apologize for an untidy house. I hate feeling like I have to keep a clean house to live up to someones expectations (like maybe my father will pop in to say "hi" one day and and my house will be a mess and he will tell me he raised me better than that and I will freak out and feel like a failure of a daughter, mother and housewife). Wow, deep rooted issues warning-better call The Professional! Sometimes I hate having all the play dates at my house. I must admit that every once in awhile I feel totally completely used and abused. I don't want to be the person that people always want to be friends with. I don't like that some people think I have the perfect marriage because while it's pretty close, it's not 100% perfect and we do fight and I want to be able to tell people my lover-hunny-sexy buns can be a complete total ass sometimes (so can I, but this is about me and I'm not about to admit I can be a total bitchy nagging ass while I'm on my "me, me, me" rant!) I want to be the flake! I want to be the one that people expect will be late or forgetful. I don't want to be the one people call to help out because I always say yes. Wow, look at all those "I's", I'm feeling pretty selfish tonight aren't I?

I just want to sit in my self-imposed misery and drink a bottle (notice I didn't say glass...why lie?) of wine. So tonight, I will.

Tomorrow I will feel differently. Tomorrow I will enjoy that people look up to me and ask me for help because of my superior organizing, planning, cleaning, hosting, punctual, I-will-never-say-no, skills (and believe me, they are some pretty magnificent skills!) I will enjoy the fact that I do indeed like to have these get togethers at my house all the time because I know my daughter is safe which is a HUGE stress relief and hey---someone has to do it or we'd never drink any wine and I'd become a lonely "drinks a bottle a night by herself" kinda girl! I will be fine and things will all go back to the way they were intended to be. But tonight,

I WANT TO BE THE FLAKE!

Wow-great to get that off my surgically altered post child bearing, breast feeding chest. As a momadonna, I am privileged to be allowed to expose my feelings via this blog or directly into the path of another poor momadonna who happens to call to ask "How was your day?". I chose to take a less "in your face" route for fear one of them would hang up on me.

Us Momadonnas have it rough. We each struggle with all our own daily trials along with work issues, keeping the "bling bling" happy, not killing the minions, feeding the dog...you name it. I am so blessed to have found a group of women who can read this, know I am letting off steam, love me tomorrow and STILL tell me I am beautiful and they love me. They better...or I will have to cut wine rations...again!

Civic Duty

The Momadonnas are very conscientious and always want to help out. So why is it that when we are called for Jury Duty we hope to “get out of it?” If it was shopping duty we would be the first in line…so what is it about Jury Duty we find so undesirable?

Jury Duty is actually a perfect environment for the Momadonnas. There is nothing half so pleasing as being surrounded by a room full of men, in suits, who all want to be your best friend. They love to impress you and will stand up every time you enter or leave a room. You even get your own man in uniform who is just dying to open a few doors for you (now only if the other men in our lives would remember to do that). You are the star of the show and everyone knows it. In fact as a member of the Jury everyone in the room is very interested and centered around you.

Its like a good date. You get lots of attention. The men take the time to listen to your background. They love to ask, “Where are you from? What do you do for a living?” Then after you have told them all about you they still want to ask a few more questions. You can rest assured that they will absorb everything you say. After that, if you are lucky enough to stay on for the trial, they will spend the rest of the day telling you interesting stories and feeding you lunch. All this without children! Now doesn’t that sound like a good day?

Momadonnas think all moms should definitely try a court day. How often do you get an excuse get dressed up? Hey its court - they don’t mind if you take yourself too seriously…I mean they do. I would suggest a slightly less wild outfit than Punks usual. Maybe something more like what The Professional would wear. That said Punk did manage to go to court in a shirt with a skull on it. You also never know whom you will meet. One mom friend of ours was invited to go out boating after the trial (and yes we all asked how big the boat was…not big enough). Finally, if your still unconvinced let me tell you everyone has to listen to you. It’s true, in that jury room when you are deliberating they have to listen to you. Especially in cases where the decision has to be unanimous and everyone must agree beyond a reasonable doubt. If they don’t listen to, or acknowledge, your concerns then they will be stuck in that little room all day.

Besides who else is more qualified than a mom for a jury? We are used to making tough decisions. We get lots of practice between the minions and the accessories. We also have a keen since as to what is right…. Moms are right and don’t you forget it.

Happy Mothers Day!

Roses are Red. Violets are Blue.
To all the dear Mommy's here's a poem for you.............

Mom you are a shining star through the wold doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title like Baroness or Dame.
Mom you really are a star, my mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood is what I'd recommend.
And if I won the lottery I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous, as your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful and I'm so proud of you!

What is it with girls and the color pink?

What is it with girls and the color pink?
Hello Pink Ladies....The question is not why girls like the color pink. No its not. The question you should be asking is does the color pink look good on girls? We know it does and that is why we like it. For some, like our Ringleader, it means whole outfits centered on pink tones. For others like Punk it means a few accents in pink (The little skulls on her shoes will be pink). We know the color pink is not for every female. Bitch says she does not like it, but we all know she is in denial. Her favorite sweatshirt one year was pink and brown…. mostly pink. As any girl can tell you mixing pink with other colors works well. The Professional has proven this. She has a shirt that has a splash of pink along with other similar jewel tones swirling in the shape of a rose. We love that shirt and it does look sooo good on her (and it is tight...). We can definitely add The Professional to the list of those who look good in pink. There may be a scientific answer about why girls like pink. The answer maybe based on gender bias etc. but the bottom line is: if you look good in a color you are bound to tell people you like it.

Beginnings....

To blog or not to blog

It all started with a book. Not just any old book but a limited edition, award winning, book. Now when I say limited edition I mean extremely limited. This book was printed for an exclusive audience of four. However, due to its critical acclaim and multiple awards, the book found its way to our friends and families. (Did I mention that the awards were fictional and that I made them up myself?) The response was overwhelming, and out of that chaos came some good advise. Start a blog. Well here we are - Thank you Sarah!

STOP – Maybe that was not the beginning. The Momadonnas started much earlier than that. The book was just the culmination of our efforts thus far (don’t worry we are always adding more). The real beginning for us was motherhood. Something about having children changes everything. We were lucky. Although we didn’t know each other yet, we were able to coordinate not only the births of our first child (to within a one-year period), but also their sex. We each had a daughter. The girls are all the same age. They are all in the same grade at school. They even had the same kindergarten teacher. Of course, back then we had no idea what they had lead us into. Ahh kids, if we would have known then what we know now… well we still would have done it the same wouldn’t we.

Finding friends is easy when you think about it, but in reality it is much harder. We each walked in and out of each other’s lives multiple times before we really figured it out. As the 9 year olds say “it took like forever” (At 9 forever is anything over 1 hour.) Thank goodness we survived those trying times, and what got us through these difficulties, distinctive personalities and wine did.

Our Ringleader and Bitch were the funniest. They met for the second time in Kindergarten (yep second time – and no this kindergarten is the one their kids went to not the one they themselves did. Pretend they are all grown up now). When they ran into each other at the school they both stopped dead in their tracks. I’m sure it was a sight to see. Mouths ajar and eyes twitching they gave each other a thorough stair down. Most people would find this uncomfortable but being true Momadonnas to the core, they didn’t mind one bit. You see we Momadonnas do so love attention…in fact I think you should be staring at us right now. Hmmm I know I have a picture here someplace. Anyway, soon one or the other said “I know you” and it turns out they were right, they did. Not only did they know each other but they had hung out together all summer long when they were like 14 or something. As if the fifteen years between had never passed they fell right back into step.

What this has taught us is once you become friends with someone it will come back to haunt you. Ok it’s also a good way to make friends. Not only does it give you a foundation to build on, but any trouble you caused back in the day will give you something to talk about now. With our girls that was a lot of talking!

The next permanent member of the Momadonnas came about six months later. It was the Professional. She taught us another way to make friends… a common interest. In this case it was wine. Wine is indeed the common denominator. In the Momadonnas Declaration of Wine Dependence we say: in wine all things are equal (or will be after a few glasses). The impressive part about when The Professional met the Momadonnas is that it was at the Kindergarten’s graduation party and no wine was present. The girls were just chatting when wine tasting came up. I am very grateful it did. It goes to prove that sometimes a small peaceful little conversation will lead you to something more. Something bigger. Their conversation led them to a dinner date (with wine) and that in turn led to a lifetime friendship.

Finally after several close encounters Punk joined the Momadonnas on Halloween. I could not have asked for a better day for her induction. Halloween suits her perfectly. She was out trick or treating with the minions when she ran into another mother doing the same. What she did not know is this other mother was Bitch. Bitch noticing the minions knew each other decided to size the opportunity and asked Punk to join her in the festivities. This suited the minions just fine. They figured this would give them an opportunity to finalize their diabolical plans to rule the world. The girls ALL enjoyed the evening and next thing you know they were all hanging out all the time. Thus the Momadonnas were born!

Yeah-We Got The Beat!

The Professional's accessory had his big 4-0 birthday on Saturday and she threw him an awesome all-night birthday bash at a condo in Park City. None of us really made it up all night but we tried and didn't go to bed until 3:30 baby! That is like seriously late for us. The night was filled with drinking wine, lots of wine (too much wine for the Ringleader who is still trying to get her liver to function properly) and oh the food! There was A LOT of food. Of course, there was dancing. In particular, dancing to Zumba music because the Ringleader insists that it is the best dancing music and just so happens to bring her play list to each and every occasion. When everyone got sick of hearing that music...we went outside and danced in the cold. So what? We don't care. We wanted to dance and they can kiss our....well anyway. There was a Rock Band competition and The Professional proved she is particularly spectacular at anything by Bon Jovi. She can ROCK IT! There was a hot tub. Oh yes, the hot tub. We started the hot tub sitting at about 1:00 AM. We did not fear the neighbors as we blared our zumba music till the wee hours of early am. Then in the morning, The Professional and her accessory wowed us with a huge breakfast of croissants, tons of fresh fruit and whip creme, eggs (cooked to order by above mentioned accessory) and sausage. The Ringleader had Vitamin water and, well that was it (too much wine remember?) It was a totally crazy fun night proving that even though we are getting older (26 now!) we still got the beat and can party with the babies.

PS-Pictures to come!

Random Musings of the Week

The Ringleader was out of sorts last week. She doesn't know why, but man was she grouchy and unfortunately when the Ringleader is grouchy, she lets everyone in the group know about it! So Bitch decided that she was going to make The Ringleader get out of her funk, and she did. Bitch took Ringleader out to lunch and got her loaded on lemon cookies. Then they went shopping, which is always a sure fire way to bring out some good spirit. The following day Bitch forced (literally, as in practically dragged The Ringleader by the arm) her to go grocery shopping. You should have seen how fast the two got THAT job done. It was amazing and definitely set a new world record somewhere - moms around the world would be jealous. Bitch then picked up her minion and headed over to The Ringleader's where she proceeded (ready, are you sitting?) to CLEAN The Ringleader's kitchen. WOAH! Unexpected and completely appreciated. And then, ahhhhh, the wine came out. Of course any de-funkifying therapy session must include wine. It's in the rule book. Look it up if you don't believe me. The Ringleader cooked up dinner and fed the minions and her accessory-she prefers bling- (who was happily partaking of the wine and dinner by the way). The Ringleader decided that since it was snowing, it must be hot tub time! (No, the fact that she had several glasses of wine did not influence this decision at all, for reals.) This is where it gets good. I want you to picture Bitch and The Ringleader in their tinsy swimmy suits trekking through the snow in slippers, down a very slippery hill, to climb over the hot tub to enter (as steps have yet to be built for access to the pool-of-fun). The Ringleader did not want to have to get out to refill the wine goblets, so she filled them to the top before they went out. A very strategic tactic let me just tell you. Well, Bitch slipped. It was the most graceful slip known to mankind. As she landed on her practically bare booty, she tried oh-so-hard to keep the wine from spilling but alas, out sprayed the wine. The RED wine spilled in a "someone just got murdered blood spray" out over the clean white snow. There was Bitch, on the snow, with blood red wine all around her and The Ringleader screaming "Accessory, accessory, hurry come here and bring more wine!" Imagine what the accessory thought as he saw Bitch and the wine. Ohhhh the joys of life! What lies in store for next week?

Disclaimer: No wine was actually harmed in the duration of the evening. A booty perhaps, but no wine and thanks to Punk's awesome stainless steel wine goblets she gave The Ringleader, no goblets were harmed either. :)

Who are the Momadonnas?

We are always right, never wrong, beautiful, inspirational, sexy, intelligent, sincere, important and as you can see very modest/humble women.

Here is the story behind the group formerly known as the Momtourage, which from here on out will be called the Momadonnas. There were some licensing issues with the tourage as well as the fact that an accessory came up with it. For those that don’t know, an accessory is any man who is brave enough to be seen with the Momadonnas. (They just look so good at our sides that we often keep them there as part of our outfit.) Not that we have anything against men in general and the one who came up with the idea has no problem being one of the girls; especially if the ratio is at least four females to one male and the skimpier the clothes the better. However, Momadonnas is a perfect name for us and yes an accessory helped us with this name too (what can I say men just can’t get us out of their heads). We are the prima donnas of the mom world hence MOMadonnas.

The MOM part of MOMadonnas is the reason you will keep reading. We are real life moms and this blog represents our real life adventures (hmm maybe slightly exaggerated but true none the
less). So should I say it a few more times? Why yes, yes I should: “Momadonnas, Momadonnas, Momadonnas” because we are that important. Each member has been carefully screened to make sure she is “Practically Perfect in Every Way.” Yes this is a quote from Mary Poppins but she is not a member of our group. This is because in addition to her not being an actual mom she would definitely get on our nerves after a few hours of her endless singing in tune. We Momadonnas can sing but it’s usually as a group and therefore a little off tune. Of course the fact that Mary Poppins is a fictional person would make it difficult as well. The real Mothers who make up the Momadonnas are best defined by their actions -oh and of course their nicknames.

Now you may ask why a nick name and how important can a nickname be? Very important! With just one word you will know everything you need to know about that person. Without nicknames I as an author would have to give you a long drawn out story about each of us from birth to age 26 (As a rule we never get older than 26 – me I’ve been 26 for just over 10 years now). Honestly, I just don’t have time for that. Luckily each mom upon entering our world of Momlyness has been given a nickname. So we can move on. However, before I do, I would like to point out that we moms did not get to pick out our own nicknames (I know I tried, but it just didn’t stick. That said if you want to call me Captain Hot Chick please don’t let this stop you). Having the group choose your nickname is both good and bad because once you have a nickname it takes on a life of its own…. and no one knows where it will take you.

Let me officially introduces us: The Ringleader, Bitch, The Professional and Punk. No, these are not our real names, although we will answer to them (that is not always a good thing… think of poor Bitch)

The Ringleader

The Ringleader

The Ringleader - now doesn’t this sound like a good place to start. It sounds so catchy unless you are the Ringleader then it almost sounds like work. Our Ringleader was named thus by someone outside the group. Someone who very much wanted in…but if there weren’t those who wanted in why bother having a club? Of course we can thank this wannabe for helping us realize that we are a club or maybe I should say a gang. Yes a gang of moms who will gun down anyone not in a pink bandana who enters our territory. No, we are not like that at all. We are, and always have been, a very desirable group of women. We can’t blame anyone for wanting to be with us.

Having a Ringleader is a fundamental part of any group because, among other reasons, someone has to be the organizer. How else will you know when to get the moms together? When is it warm enough for a barbeque? When the kids been apart too long? Is it time for a play date? Who is bringing the wine and how many bottles should there be? This is all part of the Ringleaders duties. That said the Ringleader’s first priority and primary duty is always: to help the rest of the group get together and have fun. When a party is planned she will help get the ball rolling often volunteering her own home, the food, the entertainment, and her first born all order to get things off on the right foot.

It is difficult to become a Ringleader. First, you have to be of high social standing. Not a queen or a duchess (although it does help) but someone who understands the finer aspects of the social graces. Our particular Ringleader is the only person I know who will send out thank you cards to the children who attended her child’s birthday party. The Ringleader can combine mom groups as easily as she can laugh. Speaking of laughing an additional quality all Ringleaders should have is a good laugh and a great smile. Which is not hard if you’re also good looking and, of course, the Momadonna Ringleader is. The Momadonnas figure if you are not good looking why would anyone want you to lead them? These qualities also help when you are in charge of adding new recruits to the group. As you may have guessed a Ringleader has to be able to attract the right kind of people …we don’t want just anyone. Then comes the hard part. We have to try and keep them. Our Ringleader has the rare talent of making everyone feel special. Whether this is due to her superb memory or gracious smile we may never know but somehow she seems to put it all together into one essential package.

If someone asks the Ringleader for assistance they can rest assured she will give her all for the group. So you ask, what about her? What does she get out of this? Well it’s not all glamour and parties. There are no roses. Not even a trophy (although there was a tiara once) and there is a cost for all this perfection. Our particular Ringleader is a clean freak. Yes, its true, and whether its because of a particular genetic trait or due to the volume of people in and out of her life, she feels she must keep everything at home in order. In fact, sometimes she will put the other Moms homes in order too. She has been known to clean walls, ceilings and stairs before a party and will not go to bed until the dishes are done! When does she have time for all this you ask? At night? No not even at night. It turns out Ringleaders do not sleep. Its true and we have carefully watched our own particular Ringleader to verify this. There is no time for sleep in her life. In addition we have also found the Momadonnas Ringleader likes vampire books. Do you think this is a coincidence? We have often wondered and although we decided it probably is, the group suddenly seems to be very into wearing scarves.

Everyone appreciates a Ringleader. Ringleaders are especial adept at breaking down the walls between people and putting them at ease. This is especially beneficial for those who do not feel comfortable in a group. The bottom line is a good Ringleader can make everything feel right, but she can’t do it all alone. That’s why you always need the bitch.

Bitch

Bitch

The Bitch! Every group has one and I have noticed that it is with honor these women bear the title. In fact Bitch is the only nickname you can give yourself without anyone arguing about it. If you proclaim yourself BITCH (and yes this proclamation is always done in ALL CAPS) you have earned the title. The Bitch is a well-respected essential part of any group, gathering, or family reunion. Without the Bitch conversations would halt and people would not know what to do. The Bitch is single handedly responsible for putting the group back on track should they stray. Also a good Bitch like ours will step in should a member of the group become frozen and indecisive with a bad case of shyness (there is no medical cure for shyness although the shot is being tested on small animals in China).

Being a Bitch is not easy there are a few “musts” in order to be the Bitch. First and foremost you “must” be hot. Cute will just not work. Without some degree of hotness all else will fail. If you are not hot, people will not take you seriously when you tell them what to do. It is a scientific fact that if you look good or have high heel boots on people will listen. There is also a direct correlation between the shape and size of a boot’s heel and the listener’s response time - The pointier and taller the heel of the boots the better chance others will listen. (I will also suggest the pointier the heel of the boot the further away from you they will stand especially if you are visibly mad.)

“Must” number two: No Hesitation! When you are right, which is all of the time, as Bitch it is your responsibility to let the others know. Those around you can not for one moment get distracted because if they do… As Bitch you have to tell them immediately and sometimes forcefully in order for progress to be made.

“Must” number three: Volume is equally important. Volume is essential. For if no one can hear you then your keen sense of humor and good advice is lost. I find most Bitches have very good lungs. In fact the Momadaonnas Bitch is so talented she can call the children back from across a football field -lengthwise. The volume she produces insures that not only will her voice be heard but it will also penetrate and as we all know penetration is key. (tee-hee I said penetration. Does anyone else think this is funny?) A Bitch knows the power her voice holds. Rest assured most Bitches will not abuse that power. Our Bitch will kindly warn those around her to plug their ears before she starts to bellow. Please note being bitchy is not the same as being “A Bitch.” If someone is being bitchy they are in a bad mood possibly complaining or even in a worst-case scenario being a bit spiteful. The Bitch is not that! She is just very well organized in the “here is my opinion” area (aka headstrong). Of course being bitchy does have its uses and we in Momadonnas consider it an essential skill and practice being bitchy all the time.

The Professional

The Professional

The Professional like any group who would like to be taken seriously The Momadonnas have added The Professional. Our The Professional’s nickname is based off of the 1994 movie of the same name and like that professional ours is an assassin who can kill you with a look. Ok, well maybe not all of you, but definitely a few men especially if she is single like ours is. Think Posh Spice from the spice girls. She is a well-dressed, good-looking, multi-faceted woman who knows when to add a few dashes (see – and – above) in order to make a good impression. The Group’s The Professional is an actual a professional. It’s true, she doesn’t just look the part she is well educated with an office and everything! Just the kind of person you need in your group to lend credibility and keep the group looking respectable. This brings us to the point. The Professional’s job IS to make the group look respectable. Not that we are in any way respectable. We would never go for that. However, we have found that at times it does come in handy to LOOK respectable. When you are able to pull off the whole “respectable” thing you may find you can get away with a lot more. Once we were even able to sneak Momasotas (Our own pet name for Mimosas but just for us moms…)into a “dry” spa while we had mud raps done. I can tell you we must have looked very respectable to get away with that! Well its either that or four muddy women are just too scary to say no to.

You will notice the name is always THE Professional. You have to add the THE. Yes it is mandatory. It also totally makes the name. Try it. Go ahead. For example say, “oh hey my friend professional said….” As you can see it just doesn’t have the right vibe. Now try “THE Professional warned me about this..…” Oh yes, you get that little shiver down your back now don’t you. Having added a THE makes it more serious and maybe (depending on your mood) dangerous! We Momadonnas do love a bit of danger especially with a side of cheese fries. If you didn’t feel the chill rest assured that with a name like THE Professional you will always have at least some attitude on your side. The Momadonnas find attitude works better in most situations anyway. Being The Professional is not all danger and adventure. Our The Professional is also the group’s skilled orator. As you know all groups need a member to represent their communication skills. The Professional’s responsibilities include this function as well. As a group, however, we have noticed our The Professional is mostly responsible for telling us we have A.D.D. In fact, she is often required to ask us to finish our original story before we distract each by commenting on one of our passing fancies. Think of a conversation with a four year old. Here is an example of one of our conversations: “For the party tonight you will need to bring, oh look at the bird isn’t it big, did you talk to Diane today?” This goes on for some time. Someone has to rein us in. The Professional is perfect for these instances. That said there are also times when we do get serious. When this happens we may need to sit down and talk. The Professional has added this to her duties. She cannot only comfort anyone but she will do so with a straight face. That can’t be easy! In fact the Momadonnas decided, as a prerequisite to becoming “The Professional” in any group, that applicant has to take a class on pretending to pay attention to outrageous stories. Another class would be “How to listen without rolling your eyes 101”. Now eye rolling is a useful skill that all members of the Group have cultivated, but we agree with The Professional and try not to do it too often. In fact, we have delegated this responsibility to the minions (our kids). It is just their kind of job.

PUNK

PUNK

I have noticed a lot of groups have a shy one. The Momadonnas are no exception. We have Punk. She is the one who sits there, oh so quietly, and just listens. It makes you wonder what she is thinking. That thought is usually followed by "will she use it against me later and how embarrassed will I be?" Of course it could be that she is thinking “ah now when I speak up they will have to listen” but I don’t think so. More likely she is just warming up. She takes a while to get to her “comfort level.” Unfortunately, she does not come with a thermometer so you won’t be expecting it when she does reach that “level”. Then watch out! She will pop out with some smart aleck remark that will shock everyone to the quick. However, much like a lava cake(what you think we would compare ourselves to something other than food?) the lumpy chocolate cake that you pull it out of the oven is not all there is to the dessert. Once you cut into her (still using the cake metaphor no real knives involved) you will see she is chock full of chocolate…or you can just say, “she is full of it”. That seems to works too. Oh and once she gets talking step back. She just keeps going and going and going- does anyone know where the earplugs are? She has become the babbler. She definitely can be quite a talker when she is warmed up and down right obnoxious when she is feeling hot.

Punk was one of the members who were not excited about their nicknames at first. She wanted to be The Instigator but since she never really provokes, or incites others into some action (she is more of a Suggester than an instigator) the group had to come up with something different. The Professional had the same problem. She points out that there are expectations attached to a name like “The Professional.” When you are with the group the last thing you have time for is expectations. Weeeelllll maybe we have time for a few expectations- just so we have something to break later. Nothing feels as good in the morning as breaking someone’s expectations. Out of love of our girls we did try several alternate nicknames including cougar and MILF. None seemed quite right which resulted in many debates usually involving our drawing stick pictures of each other in various poses and fingers in the air. This is scary but true. The end result is the girl’s nicknames Punk and The Professional remain the same.

Talking about Punk she is also the group’s Snappy Dresser. That is if you consider a wide variety of looks snappy. She doesn’t seem to have a style. Instead she has multiple styles. (So far no one has noticed the multiple personalities that usually go along with these things!) For example sometimes she takes the name Punk too seriously and dresses like an 80’s punk rocker chains and all. The next day she may look like a businesswomen and the following day as someone from the 50’s. Oscillating between looks she can shop with both The Momadonnas and the minions (children) when looking for clothes. So when you see her coming you will either think she is one of the minions or a grown up with lots of “personality.” You know “personality” the kind you always find in quotation marks. Also known as a geek, nerd or eccentric in some places. She seems to like it and it is true that she can talk comic book/Star Wars with the best of them…