iCandy takes on Hollywood

This is a story about volunteer work. Now I know I got you all excited when I said Hollywood, but in my defense Hollywood got all excited when I said iCandy.

You may, or may not, know that moms are known for doing volunteer work. It’s true! The moms have helped volunteer everywhere from historical monuments to the local grade school. They help museums create displays, archeologists dig, as well as donating time and food to the area’s local food bank. What can I say, we are moms and volunteering is part of the job description. Seriously! When you become a mom you put that little minion first and you donate almost all your time to the effort of helping them grow into what we hope to call a civilized adult. So we are totally naturals* and why not put that effort towards other worthy endeavors too? I mean everyone wants a Momadonna around them! Everywhere I go I see business just begging the Momadonnas to help, they put up signs like “volunteers needed” and I know that’s just for us. Having a Momadonna in the building makes everything so much better.

Hollywood is the same, and they could definitely use a little Momadonna influence. So iCandy bravely stepped into that void. She joined the Sundance Film Festival and over a week impressed such famous actors as:

 

Dermot Mulroney from movies such as My Best Friends Wedding and The Grey

Jennifer Hudson from Dream Girls and American Idol

Alicia Keys The talented artist who crated such songs as the current hit Girl on Fire.

UFC/MMA  - all of them the whole Ultimate Fighting Championship League had to be impressed with iCandy, and I don’t blame them she does stand out in a crowd.  I am just curious to see if Jr. Santos dared to arm-wrestle her or not?

Ahhh Sundance its a great place to be and I just bet the Momadonnas will have more to say about it in the future.... including the Professional hanging out at Ashton Kutcher's After Party.

* I want to point out when I say we "are totally naturals” that is completely different from saying we went totally natural – you can see the difference right?

Bling B-Day

 

What do Momadonnas do after the Holiday Parties come to an end? We party more of course!

You may ask what makes a good party in January (other than having a few Momadonnas on site)? Well having a good reason to party is a good start and it seems the Moms can always find a reason! Our most recent party definitely was for a good reason it was for Bling’s Birthday!*

January Birthday parties are always appreciated. After the holidays we all feel the need to get out and play. So this party was exactly what the doctor ordered! We celebrated Bling's successful completion of another year with good friends, good food, good conversation, good dancing, good yoga**, and lots and lots of fire! So how could it not be a success? Oh and when I say fire I’m not just talking about the small blaze on the birthday cake (although we have been 26 for so long we could probably burn a house down with the amount of candles that make an appearance on our cakes now days). No indeed! This time we are talking serious fire with an actual fire dancer twirling his fire pois around for all to see. If it hadn’t been 4 degrees we would have thought we were in Hawaii or some tropical retreat! Unfortunately it was 4 degrees and we couldn’t stay out very long no matter how much we had to drink. So we made lots of smart A$$*** comments and video taped it to replay again and again!

All and all we had a great night – Happy B-day BLING!

 
* Bling is the Ringleaders Accessory (for any who didn’t know). He is also the only Accessory with a shiny nickname and I think he likes it that way.
** Yoga – yes you heard me correctly and what would a party be without girls doing yoga in the front room? I have pictures, but I’m not sharing!
*** A$$ - the $ is an S. You see, it has to be spelled this way because Punk can’t swear.  She has tried but she really isn’t any good at it and so as you may have guessed talking to Bitch can be a real problem for her….

Explosive New Year

This is how 2012 started.....lets see if 2013 can live up to it!

It's not you, it's me

“It’s not you it’s me” – Wow did I really just say that? What in the world possessed me? Before you ask the answer is NO, this was not my breaking up with some man (although I can think of a few Accessories I would have liked to use this line on in the past). As a matter of fact this was not said to ANY man or woman at all, but instead to a 12 year old Minion. First, I want to point out that I do like to encourage this particular minion to “be herself” and not to “fall for peer pressure”, but I find sometimes peer pressure isn’t so bad and maybe we should pay a little more attention to those around us and their opinions. So although I said no to her purchasing a real 2-pound steel army helmet and wearing it to and from the junior high, it was definitely not her. It was all me at my mommy best!

It also made me think. How often do I say something that could have been phrased just a little differently so I didn't look quite so crazy? Well I'm not alone (I know I asked) and it turns out it is a mom thing! Sometimes we just find ourselves saying something that we would never have expected to hear coming out of our own mouths. It’s also usually something that could be taken wrong and almost always embarrasses us for at least a day. *

In fact, as a mom, I think it’s a pre-requisite. We have all said something unexpected and we will continue to do so. One mom said she asked her son (in front of others) “Why does your coach like little boys?” Of course a comment like this, overheard and out of context, would cause anyone to raise an eyebrow.  Now in her defense there was a logical reason for this question. You see she had noticed that the basketball coach kept putting the younger boys in the game and was not letting the older ones play, but anyone overhearing this would definitely not understand! Other comments that didn’t sound very good when overheard were:

“Good come! Good come!” –when the 1 ½ year old came when called.

“You need turkey droppings?” –a Thanksgiving misunderstanding.

“Look at her blow her nose!” –no comment! You just need to know that it’s the small things that make moms happy.

“Wow you are a dirty boy!” –this comment is perfectly innocent when used on any boy under the age of 10… no lets make that 8.

“Want to go sit on the Dude’s lap?” – for some reason this moms kids took to calling Santa The Dude.

“Don’t touch his balls!” – Yes indeed every mom has had to yell this at one time or another because kids just love balls. **

“You leave your teeth in the car young lady” -yelled across a parking lot and no I can’t really explain this one away but trust me it was for the best.

* Note: After one day most embarrassing moments become great stories to be used at parties and other social gatherings.

** Oh no! Do I have to add “kids just love balls” to the list of things I never thought I would say?

Momadonna Car Wash

What does a Momadonna do when she runs out of wine? Scream, cry, run around the neighborhood yelling the sky is falling the sky is falling…well sometimes, but other times the moms, being woman of action, find a creative way to get their hands on more wine. This is the story of one of those times.

Driving around the city you see many sites, but if you are with an Accessory, you will definitely have any and all bikini car washes pointed out to you. Punk, not to be out done by girls ½ her age*, decided she could do just as well raising money for her cause – Momadonna’s Play time. So she decided to have her own fundraiser. However, because these are Momadonnas we are talking about, it was not funds they were working for, OH NO not at all- it was wine.

So Punk made flyers and invited everyone to her Wine-raiser…

Then the Moms took a clue from the other car washes and created signs to wave this one said" “Car Wash -will work for wine”

Finally they actually washed cars - Momadonna style wine in hand ready to go!
The end result was a good five hours of fun before the Accessories came and dragged the Momadonnas back to their respective houses.** The Moms earned just enough wine to drink together that night, which as we all know was the real reason they were doing this anyway.  All and all a successful day for the Momadonnas.

*Punks age -26ish, really 26ish and she has been for over 14 years now….
** 5 hours = 1/2 hour to clean two cars and another 4 ½+ for the moms to socialize.

Momadonna Lip Balm prints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Momadonnas at my side.

Many scenes from our motherly adventures flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed a mom with me. Sometimes there was one mom, other times there were two. Sometimes all the moms were together, but there was always a Momadonna with me.

So I said to the Momadonnas, "Why do you walk with me always? Through the most trying periods of my life as well as the fun and relaxing ones?"

The Momadonnas smiled at me and replied, "Why, because that's what friends do."

4th of July

What would the 4th be without the Momadonnas having a BBQ and the Accessories blowing up mail boxes?

It would be boring, yes definitely boring. So we HAD to have a BBQ and yes the boys did indeed blow up mail boxes!*

The BBQ went splendidly with the moms all sitting around chatting about the day while relaxing in the great out doors (aka Punks back yard). The food was prepared, cooked, and magically appeared before us and our only job was to pretend to be dessert. 

After we ate and talked until we were satiated, then we began the hard part - finding a good place to sit and watch the fireworks. Now no firework extravaganza is complete without sparklers so we started with those. Unfortunately as everyone remembers sparklers are scary and someone always gets burned. So to encourage the Minions to get into the sparklers and put on a show for us, the moms had Punk start sparking. Specifically they had Punk write her name in the dark and jump around enthusiastically until all the kids found themselves participating except the 16 year old. It turns out Teenage Minions are too cool for sparklers, but secretly we know he wanted to and if we would have all turned out backs for a second he would have joined in (or if a cute teenager girl said it was cool.... enough said) Then it was time for the real pyrotechnics to start!

We had the Accessories teach the minions how to light the fireworks so that we could relax, sit back in our chairs and watch the show. Oh and the commentary! Not only did we ohhh and ahhh as appropriate but we also got to yell at Minions and Accessories alike as we told them "how to do it right." All without once moving from our seat. Unfortunately for the Accessories, they had to move from their seats. This happened when we realized the fireworks were a little too close to our cars for comfort- in fact way to close and the more the Minions helped the closer the fireworks seemed to get! The end result was the moms were treated to a car show as well as the firework extravaganza. 

The show lasted for almost an hour and then it was time to say goodbye. iCandy, with a pouty lip, bid her farewell and The Professional hugged  everyone enthusiastically as part of  her goodbyes. Then Bitch complemented the Accessories on their show and with a pat on our back snuck away before we could see the tear in her eye and finally our dear Ringleader bid us adieu with a melancholy smile and a wave. Soon all the Monadonnas were gone as was another 4th of July.... it was a very  poignant moment or at least it would have been if I hadn't made that last part up. You see the moms actually helped Punk clean things up and left rather cheerfully knowing they all had a fun filled  night, but wheres the drama in that?

*  Well maybe we shouldn't say the Accessories blew "up" the mail boxes - it was more a blow out and open... and yes most of the mailbox is still standing.

Bunco

Have you heard of Bunco - that friendly game of dice played by moms everywhere? If so, do you think it’s just a game? Well it’s not! It’s girl’s night out with attitude! Think about it, an excuse to get out at least once a month with 12 of your girlfriends and party hardy until the sun comes up or, to be somewhat more realistic, until the hostess kicks you out.

Bunco also teaches you important life skills such as how to fluster someone, perform Voodoo, swear like a sailor, and that luck pays (possibly up to $50 depending on how lucky you are that night.)

The Momadonnas Bunco group also likes to do more together than just role the dice, so for this last get-together they went to the movie Magic Mike. Now as any girl knows the more the better and when I say more I’m talking about BOTH more of the Magic Mike Men and more Momadonna Girlfriends! So on this particular night there were 14 of us moms at the movie and for those who are counting, yes that is more girls than the Bunco group can account for. Then again, we are talking Magic Mike here. This has to be the best girls night out movie ever! The movie is such a tease * that our girls comfortably jeered and cheered at it while threatening to stand up and throw money at the screen (for those who don’t know it’s a male stripper movie so throwing money would have been perfectly acceptable and if not, then getting kicked out also would have been fine. Of course in a theater of 200+ rowdy women those poor little ushers didn’t stand a chance) So we printed up our money and we were ready to roll!

All and all we moms do so enjoy our Bunco nights and at the end of the night only one question remains - Why, oh why, isn’t Magic Mike in 3D?!?!

The End?

You may have noticed the Momadonnas articles have not been coming out as often as they used to, and I have to admit that as the author I have noticed this too.  So I asked myself what’s happening? I also answered myself (as you have to when talking to yourself) and I have to admit was a bit surprised by my own answer: I was just not feeling it.

So is this the end? Are we now going to evolve into the X-moms? Can you see us now - Superheroes like X-men but less manly, more momly, but still looking great in spandex.  NO- Silly of course we are not stopping! No, No, No acting as Momadonnas is our way of life! Besides we have too many wild adventures to stop being us, and what would we do without out our traveling lip balm? We are what The Professional calls “Forever Friends”.  Wherever life takes us we will always be friends and even if one of us were to move away, we would never totally lose touch! We are the kind of friends who after ten years run into each other at the mall and are right back where they left off as if the time in-between had never occurred. The Momdonnas love each other and as they say "the proof is in the pie" *

The end result is I have decided to write again. I figure someone has to tell our friends what we are up to. I also think a page dedicated to the Momprom is a necessity because if we didn’t share that event I’m fairly sure the world as we know it may cease to exist….

See. Told you so.

*What- people don’t say “the proof is in the pie”? Well they should then shouldn’t they besides it was a chocolate pie....

Happy Mothers-Day 2012!!!

A young boy said to his mother, 'How old were you when I was born?' His mother replied, '23.' 'Wow, that's a lot of time we missed spending together.'

Slumber Parties

Public Service Announcement: I would like to inform our readers that the moms are now into throwing slumber parties. Now I’m not talking about the kind where a group of women get together and buy “adult toys” like they would Tupperware. (Although we did have one of those parties recently and for anyone who’s curious including iCandy – No, there is no sleeping involved.)

The kind of slumber parties we are talking about are real deal where Minions cause havoc all night long and moms have an excuse to throw pillows at each other. These parties can be FUN for all ages and why not! The Minions aren’t the only ones that know how to have fun. We moms have been practicing for years.* Why not use those skills!

During our last slumber party we re-discovered a few party essentials such as where to hide your drinks, truth or dare, and floats. Yes floats! However, our floats aren’t the run of the mill root beer flavored ones. Oh no, most definitely not! We moms used wine. We took a scoop of rich chocolate ice cream placed it in a cup and poured in one of our favorite red wines. It didn’t look like much but after some serious double dog dares we ALL gave it a try. The result was amazing we all had to agree that it was much better than it looked! In fact the result was actually quite tasty resembling some of the chocolate dessert wines you can buy… not that we were able to finish off the whole drink, but all and all it turned out to be a successful experiment.
Another thing we re-discovered at the slumber party was that those mischievous games you play at sleepover’s still work on adults! Yes indeed, get out your markers girls (the ones that wash off with water please) and watch the mayhem ensue. The end result for was… well… I guess you will just have to see it for yourself:
Yep enough said or viewed as the case may be.

* Notice when talking about our childhood, the Momadonnas carefully omit any reference as to exactly how many years…

Smoking Hot Bitch

The Momadonnas seem to love bets, there was the week without cheese and the bikini dinner just to name a few, but this time they have a realistic worthwhile bet – Bitch is quitting smoking! She has decided to quit smoking for a month and maybe longer (we are crossing our fingers on this one). Unfortunately we are all also waiting for the explosion! This is because Bitch has decided there is only one way to stop smoking and that is cold turkey! Very cold turkey indeed! This turkey is so cold it’s frozen. She said I’m done and that was that. She just quit. The Moms, however, don’t think it’s as easy as she is making it out to be. So, just in case, we have the Bitch Support Structure securely in place. We have Ringleader leading the way with her daily dose of love and support. The Professional is there with her consummate knowledge, skills, and encouragement. Then there is Punk -she offered to quit smoking with Bitch, which is a very nice gesture, but since she doesn’t smoke (and never has) we’re not sure how much help or understanding she can supply. Of course it could be she just wants a patch – think of it, Punk bouncing off the walls like a 5 year old on sugar. Um… hum...well now... I guess that could be interesting. Not that there are any patches to give her because as you know when Bitch quits she just quits so "Patches, we don’t need no stinking patches."* Well, at least for now. You have to be careful what ideas you give the Moms, sometimes those ideas comes back to haunt you.


*It is a quote from Blazing Saddles (A Punk Movie) which in turn misquotes The Treasure of the Sierra Madre and of course we misquote even the Blazing Saddles line by using Patches for Badges. Oh yes, you were just part of a Momadonna Movie History Lesson!

The After Christmas Party

Christmas is a wonderful time of year. Everyone gives you presents, you have an excuse to do some serious shopping and strange men want you to sit on their lap and offer you candy!* I can’t think of any other time of year when the festivities are so encompassing and we Momadonnas are not immune to its affects. We love the Holidays! We find ourselves running around allover the place causing general mayhem. However, since it is such a busy time of year, we find we have little time for ourselves. This year we had so little time we didn’t even host a Momadonnas Christmas Party! Well iCandy would not put up with that! She found a way to make us party - introducing the Christmas After Party. Much like the Grammy or Oscar After Parties this party was full of beautiful well dressed women, paparazzi,** and awards (in the form of gifts this time – not actual trophies).

iCandy must have been inspired. You know how every year you are the recipient of at least one gift that makes you shake you head and say “what were they thinking?” Well this party took advantage of that fact and each guest was asked to bring “one wrapped re-gifted present” for a gift exchange. They say one persons trash is another person’s treasure - well we were about to put that idiom to the test!

The Result you ask? It was a resounding success! We loved the re-gifting! Several gifts were so well received that they were actually fought over. Others gifts however, such as the 2010 scantily dressed Men of the Islands calendar and a gift that may prove to be the yard sell find of the year: chicken oven mitts, were so impressive they simply brought us to tears…. in fact days later we find they still do.


* Ho Ho Ho – yes him
** Coincidentally enough the paparazzi were those same well dressed women whipping out their iPhones.

Moms love their Jammies!

What sounds good to a Momadonna? Dancing – yes, but that’s not the answer we’re looking for this time. It’s pajamas! Yes our PJ’s always sound good to us. We have been known to spend whole days in our Jammies (usually with an excuse handy, something like we are sick or one of the Minions is). Pajamas are just so comfortable and easy - we love to wear them! There should be a holiday dedicated to relaxing in your nightwear. However, since there is not one, we have had to get creative in order to get our pajama fix. That’s where our Bunko group comes in. Last month’s Bunco was also a PJ night! How perfect is that? We had some comfy girl time with warm soup, festive games and slippers. It was a giant slumber party (minus the sleeping part) for us Moms. We gossiped, played with each other’s hair and snacked the night away in comfortable companionship.

However, the next day I started wondering what do our pajamas say about us? I mean we had everything from a crafty little holiday sleeper set to a one piece footed ensemble. It’s funny but as I look back, each of the girl’s choice in pajamas really did say something about her.

And what do your PJs say about you? I did some research for all you moms out there and here is what I found:

Flannel pajamas: These are for girls who are comfortable with themselves. If you wear Flannel you are doing it for you and your personal satisfaction.

Silk pajamas: Silk is for girls who like to be touched (I know this because I read it on the Internet). You may wear these for your man but most women say they choose silk for themselves because it makes them feel good. Silk even calls itself the “sensual fabric”- enough said.

Lacy littles: Lace is not necessarily comfortable (sometimes it’s down right itchy) so if you wear it to bed you’re a pleaser. Oh yes we went there. These PJs could be renamed “give me some love’n pajamas.”

Nothing: If you go to bed in your bare essentials they say you are confident and spontaneous. I say you are also possibly kinky…

Tank top & matching shorts: This is for the playful girl. It shows you are comfortable with yourself and confident (you would have to be in order to walk around with those short PJ shorts on. They are way to cheeky.)

T-shirt: This is for the sporty and practical girls. They know what they want and can obtain it with great efficiency.

Footie Pajamas: These PJ’s scream personality. They tell everyone who sees you that you are out to have a little fun. However, what they say about your love life, well now that’s a whole different story isn’t it……

The great MILF debate

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

November Birthdays

It’s that time of year again: The Professional celebrated her Annual 26th Birthday and the Momadonnas are ecstatic! We know there is nothing like a November Birthday, we crave them-no we NEED them! You see, by the time November rolls around we all need an excuse to Party and Thanksgiving just doesn’t cut it. Not that we don’t love Thanksgiving, it's just not the partying type of holiday…. I mean you don’t get any presents, it’s on a Thursday,* and there is no dancing involved. Although, by the end of the night, everyone is rolling around on the floor moaning (because they ate too much) which from a distance could look a bit like dancing.

This year The Professional’s Birthday started with our sleeping in** followed by the official Momadonna gathering at 1pm. Which, coincidentally enough, is also when we decided to get dressed. Not that we couldn’t all get together in jammies but it was The Professionals birthday after all. So the moms gathered. We are actually very good at gathering and this particular time we were able to make a day of it hanging out all day until our dinner reservations at 7. However, as you know when your with the Momadonnas, nothing goes as expected.

Arriving at the restaurant the moms found their dinner delayed. So what did they do? Break out dancing? Well yes, but first they got their hands on the restaurant’s Karaoke room! This was a perfect fit for The Professional’s birthday and even though the karaoke instructions were in Korean, the moms had a blast! Of course, after a relaxing day together that included wine and sake, the moms were more than ready to sing in Korean if necessary. Yes parts of us were feeling very good about then.

When the night ended The Professional must have been feeling good too. She told us it was a "perfect birthday" and honestly that’s all we need to hear. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!



* Thursdays are not the best day for a holiday - you may have to work the next day! Not that you will get much work done on a Friday after a holiday....
**The moms were able to sleep in because they arranged to have the school closed that Friday. Not that the school district knew it was for us or because of us (they thought it was a compensatory day due to parent teacher conferences), but we will take credit anyway.

Good V. Evil

Have you ever noticed that it’s not always fun being good and doing the right thing? I know this comes as a surprise but sometimes, just sometimes, it’s even HARD to do the right thing! Hmmm maybe that’s why being evil can be so tempting…. That said, I wish to propose just that - We should all be a little evil! Really, just a little itty-bitty-bit. I think you will find it does your heart good. There is something exciting about tiptoeing over the bad girl line. Now I’m not talking about hurting someone or lying to them (no way, ewww, yuck), but when you think your being sneaky or tricky or crazy – now that’s what we’re talking about!!! OK, OK so maybe evil is too strong a word and obviously I am not evil enough because your just not buying it… You see, what I call evil is what normal people would call naughty. Oh yes NAUGHTY!!! (Don’t you just love the way that word rolls off your tongue.)

So lets try this again: I think everyone should be a little naughty from time to time. It will cheer you up and make you smile! I read an Australian study that said people who make mischief (AKA are naughty) feel happier, younger and have more fun. The Momadonnas would agree. They have even had Naughty Nights to celebrate their naughtiness! (see Momadonnas article aptly titled “Naughty Night” from February 14, 2010 for details) In fact as you read this I’m already planning my next naughty adventure!

The Drama Queen

Everyone knows about drama queens because they are so very common and can be found in almost every teenage movie. They also can be found at many social gatherings. This is especially true if those who have gathered have done so before. This is because as you get comfortable with the group, that’s when your true personality comes out (that or after a few drinks). At first a drama queen can be hard to spot. You may even think she is the girl next door. A drama queen is not an the girl next door! They are an adventure all to themselves.

In order to start on this adventure first you must be able to spot a drama queen. Here are a few things to look for: First is she wearing the T-shirt with florescent pink writing across the chest saying Drama Queen? If so she is defiantly one. Which brings up a point to remember. If you know someone who is a drama queen you should probably mark her. This is considered a public service and you will be rewarded. One way in which I have seen a drama queen marked was by her license plate cover. I saw one just the other day that said: “its all about me”. Although very few drama queens have been thus marked, those that have are at an advantage. This is because when someone meets them they know what to expect. No surprises all parties are happier that way.

It’s not easy being a drama queen, In fact they have to work hard to keep up the drama. They crave attention and if they can’t find it, they will start looking to the other members of the group for it. A common trick a drama queen uses is to ask questions about your weekend. Where did you go? What did you do? If properly used these questions can help them start some drama. This is because (as any good drama queen can tell you) they can use that little something they were able to learn about you to bring the conversation back to THEM. Then they will proceed to tell you all about their great adventures, which coincidentally sound exactly like yours but with details that surpass those in the original story. This is difficult work and very tiring. Of course you say, who wants drama? Well surprise the Momadonnas do! Yes, that is correct. Drama is good for the whole group IF it is in small amounts. That said, our group feels the drama queen position
should be rotated briefly between all members of the group. This way we have no single drama queen instead each member of the group has been assigned custody of the drama queen attributes. Each of us has one weekday assigned to us along with every other weekend and alternating holidays. This way everyone has a chance to overreact and say “Hey what about me” and “look at me now.”

It is also dangerous being the drama queen. If you are not careful you could become overly negative. Once you go down that path you may get lost and find you are unable to get back. To protect ourselves from this possibility our group has created the Drama Queen Rules in order to protect our selves from becoming too queenly.

The Drama Queen Rules:

1.) Being friends with a drama queen is also hard work (almost as hard as being the drama queen). All the ups and downs are very taxing on your emotions. When life feels like you are on a roller-coaster - you have to get off. So the first rule is when you get overwhelmed and can’t seem to stop the drama you will drink a glass of wine and go dancing. That should cure everything and if you’re lucky it will cause someone else a little drama.

2.) Like any member of royalty, the drama queen has queenly duties to perform. An essential part of drama queen’s duties is to ask for favors. This could be anything from having someone watch your kids to picking up stuff from the grocery store (so you don’t have to get out of your jammies). This brings up rule number two. When the rest of the group stop answering the phone take the hint and go back to rule one with all the dancing.

3.) The last rule, rule number three: When the Bitch says knock it off you have to stop…enough said.

I Love you guys.....

WARNING: This is a serious Momadonna article - read at your own risk
Tonight I was inspired by iCandy (as I always am) and I can’t help but wonder who I would be without the friends I have? My friends help define me. I have friends who complete me, listen to me, cry with me, inspire me, finish my glass of wine for me, dance with me, laugh with me, laugh AT me, talk me into things, and make me feel like I’m the only girl in a crowded room. They give me confidence and hold my heart in their hands; because of them I am a better person. THANK YOU! I can’t express how grateful I am to have the friends I do (not that I didn’t attempt to do just that by writing this).

Just the other day I quoted a friend that I still hang out with after 22 years and I had lunch with two other friends whom I have known for over 10 years! How lucky am I that these Momadonnas still want to hang with me? As if the joy of their never ending friendship was not enough it turns out they are still teaching me important things like how to flirt with the waiter and what to do with a teenage minion (AHHHHH Teenagers!!! or as they say in Valley Girl Speak “Like teenagers like totally scare me n’stuff! Anyways I’m sure you saying like whatever. But as if! I mean Seriously! Like this totally sucks being all grown up and junk- fer shur.” And yes like I’m totally twirling my hair in my fingers and chewing gum while talking like this.)

Soooo I wanted to say thank you in a BIG way to all my Momadonnas…. Therefore I present this song I wrote for you:

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
Put my glasses on, I’m off to meet the PTA Committee
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Wine
Cause when I leave for the day, I’ll be feel’n fine.
I’m talking - pedicure on our toes, toes
Dancing with all the ho's ho's….. oh wait that was just our last dance night at Habits. We so need a new dance place!

OK you made it through my I LOVE YOU GUYS article and I promise it will be at least 6 months before you have to sit through one of these again.

The Diary of a Cheese-A-Holic.......... (AKA Punk)

Friday (5:15 PM)– The bet is on….

Today was a breeze! The bet (that I can spend one week without eating cheese) started today at 5 PM. It has been soooo easy, maybe I will make it longer? I’m so excited! I can’t wait to see how it goes!!!

Saturday – Preoccupation

Today was a bit harder; everywhere I went there was cheese. The vending machine only had cheese flavored chips, the pizza guy in the food court yelled at me, I think there was a full moon and Green Bay will be playing tomorrow! That said I still didn’t eat any cheese. I feel good. I can do this!

Sunday - Insomnia

Today wasn’t bad, but I don’t seem to be sleeping well…dreams about a giant cheese chasing me. I ran and ran but I couldn’t seem to move. I guess I was stuck in Alfredo sauce, funny it made sense in my dream. I hope tonight is better. Still no cheese.

Monday – Mood Swings

Today was great, well good, no-no it totally sucked. It’s hard to find food that wouldn’t taste better with cheese on it. It was definitely an up and down day. I enjoyed an evening with the family but caught myself crying at Tillamook commercials. Well I guess I should be proud I mean I’m still doing this right? No I’m not proud I’m mad - I mean what was I thinking?

Tuesday – The Shakes

Today has- been hard@er I can”t seem*= to ty-pe and My focus iS off. I missss %my cheese bUt still have#’’not eAten a&ny.

Wednesday – Anxiety

What if I fail? What will happen to my family? How can they survive knowing I lost the bet? Everyone will find out then Bitch will find me….How am I going to get through this? Is it even possible?

Thursday – Paranoia

Ring Leader left town, it’s because of me isn’t it. She said it was a race but she just doesn’t want to be around me now that I’m off cheese. Without cheese we don’t have anything in common anymore and she’s done with me. Wait The Professional hasn’t called today! She calls everyday! Oh no, she is in on it and she is leaving me too! Or not? Are they testing me? Watching and waiting to see what I do? That’s it I’m moving into the basement right now! Where is the tinfoil for my windows?

Friday - Hallucinations

I should have known I was in trouble when the cheese in the refrigerator started talking to me, but I didn’t heed the warning signs. By the time I finished work things had gone from bad to worse. All I can say is the fountain at the mall is NOT made of melted cheese and those cute little cheesy macaroni men running away from you are probably just scared children. Needless to say mall security let me go and now its 5PM and I’ve made it through the week! I’m proud, I’m successful and I’m exhausted. To quote the immortal words of Chester Cheetah “it ain’t easy bein’ cheesy”

Momadonna's Cheese Intervention

It started innocently enough, just a small post on Facebook*, but as with everything involving Momadonnas, things soon got out of control. Let me tell you about the Momadonna's Cheese Intervention:

Punk has to have the unhealthiest diet in three states. When you ask her what she thinks a well-rounded meal consists of she may sound respectable saying something like “a healthy meal will follow the food pyramid guidelines.” Unfortunately, the pyramid she follows is not the one the USDA approves of – most definitely not! She has created her own and it goes a little something like this: Bread, Pasta, Dessert, Anything Fried and Cheese. With cheese being the base everything else is built upon.

After some evaluation (and lots of teasing) it was decided that although Punk was not at the desperate stage of cheese addiction** some preventative measures should be taken. Ok, Ok so they made a bet that Punk can’t make it a whole week without eating cheese! So like any good addict she has joined (created) a support group. Let me introduce the CEA***

• Therapist: The Professional – who else has a nickname that could pull this off? Besides she already has to listen to Punk complain about not having cheese ... she may as well get credit for it.
• Nutritionist: Ringleader – not only can Ringleader pronounce the names of vegetables Punk has never even heard of like Jicama, but she actually eats them too.
• Personal Trainer: iCandy – to help with the cheese detox Punk has decided to exercise the cheese out of her system so of course she needs a personal trainer. The problem will be how the girls hold up when together. Last time Punk and iCandy went out on a walk they ended up discussing how to make their own cheese out of household items...
• Probation Officer: LL Maria – someone has to go through Punks drawers and since Maria was not there to defend herself she was nominated for the job. (its amazing how often your nominated for something when your not in the room.)
• The Enforcer: Bitch – there should always be consequences and Bitch just loves to kick butt -anyone’s butt will do.

Lets see how this cheeseless week goes!

* Facebook post: I wanted to thank everyone for their love and support during my hour of need. It’s going to be tough for a while but I know we can get through this! I will be starting CEA group meetings later this week and if anyone else needs help I would be glad to bring you along. It’s a safe place to admit your addiction and to find support to get you through these trying times. That’s what the CEA is all about, helping you survive one day at a time without cheese.

**The definition of desperate cheese addiction: Where you sell the car to buy a cow to avoid being recognized in the dairy aisle.

*** CEA-Cheese Eaters Anonymous

MySpace-Countdowns

Mud Run

and we paid $$$ for this?????

The Momadonnas Demolition Derby

The Momadonnas want to sponsor something else! Hmmm… how about a demolition derby car! Wouldn’t that be just perfect?

Are you wondering where this perfectly wonderful idea comes from? Well, it just happens that The Professional, Kelly St. George and Punk attended the Washington County Fair a few weeks back, and although the mullet contest and the moo off competition* were riveting, for our girls the Demolition Derby stole the show!

What is it about watching people crash thousands of pounds of metal into each other for our entertainment? The whole concept of watching drivers ramming their vehicles into one another seems so wrong. This is definitely an activity that comes with the warning: Do NOT try this at home! Normally this kind of warning would only encourage us to try it, but cars are a bit more intimidating than making a candy rocket launcher. That said I think a demolition derby speaks to our most basic instincts. Just think of the raw power, the danger, the action, the speed, the corn dogs. What’s not to like? Demolition Derbies are as American as apple pie and Usher …oh how we love Usher… mmm Usher dancing…. Oh Usher! Oops where was I?

If the Momadonnas had their way we would be at a different demolition derby every weekend. Even the Minions and Accessories got in on the action, with the Minions dancing in the stands** and the Accessories getting run over.

You don’t believe me? Good thing we take pictures! Here is Kelly’s Accessory meeting a few of the drivers the hard way….

The Derby was a colossal success, and as you may have guessed our girls are already planning their next derby visit! Until then maybe we can talk the Minions into putting on a demolition derby show for us with their bikes? I mean it can’t be any worse than the time they jousted, oh wait that was the Accessories….

* Yes, there is a trophy for the best moo!
** Unfortunately for the crowd, the moms declined the Minions offer to dance in front of the grand stands.

Momadonna Sponsorship

The Momadonnas just became sponsors, not to be confused with donors (that would put a whole different spin on this story). They decided to sponsor their first athletic team - Strong and Sexy! The group Strong and Sexy is a girls running team participating in the Kiss me Dirty race series that challenges the participants to run through obstacles and mud…yes mud! And now you also know why the team was sponsored. How can you not sponsor a team of 17 hot women running through mud?

As you know the Momadonnas like to jump head first into things and they never shy away from a big mess (although usually they are the ones making it). So several Momadonnas decided to join in on the fun and are now part of the Strong and Sexy team. They just couldn’t help themselves. To them it sounds like running through a giant chocolate pie for 3 miles, just not as tasty...

Go team- run amuck in mud!

Kiss me dirty website - www.kissmedirty.com

PIE!

What do you call 21.5 pounds of dry chocolate instant putting mix, 25 pounds of cornstarch and more water than you can measure mixed together in a kiddie wading pool? “A crazy disaster waiting to happen?” Ummmm… maybe, but we call it MOMADONNA pie.

Some things just can’t be explained (or believe which is why we take pictures), however, I am going to attempt to do just that:

It all started when Punk got an idea, not just any idea but one so big it just had to be acted upon! Punk had been watching Attack of the Show and when the hostess Olivia Munn jumped into a giant pie. Punk turned to her Accessory and said I NEED TO DO THAT!!! Unfortunately for all the other Momadonnas, that’s exactly what she did.

In all fairness, prior to the big jump, she did tell the other moms what she was up to and obtained their agreement to participate. However, why they agreed is still one of life’s great mysteries (especially to the Momadonnas themselves). Possibly they agreed because they didn’t believe she would follow through. Or it could have been due to a long night of wine drinking… who knows, but in the end they did show up for the big jump!

Punk, having secured their approval proceeded to bake. This included gathering ingredients, testing pie consistency*, obtaining extra large kitchen utensils**, and making more chocolate pudding than anyone should see in their lifetime. By the time this month long process was complete the Moms not only had a large pie to jump in but also a fair size audience.***

When the day finally arrived it was sunny and clear. Punk lead the way, cautiously making her way to the pie. As the audience held their breath, the other Moms slowly started edging their way toward the mammoth pie too. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop… What am I saying? These are Momadonnas - there was no silence! Instead there was loud teasing and taunting until the big moment arrived and PUNK JUMPED!

The other Moms followed suite and soon all were enveloped in chocolate pie! However, as Arnold H. Glasgow said, nothing lasts forever **** and so eventually the Momadonnas had to get out of the pie. So off they went up through the house to take a shower.***** No we will not give details!!! PA-LEASE this is a mom site not a bad girlie one!

End result was: Four happy moms, a burned out a hammer drill, one ruined kiddie wading pool, and a mess so large it took over a week to clean it up. However, all the moms had soft silky skin for the next few weeks so it was all worth it!!!!! Now the girls are just waiting for the giant margarita…

* Testing Giant Pies is a very scientific process involving lots of guesswork and no real science at all.

** Utensils to make a giant pie included: a hammer drill, 5 gallon bucket, and a wading pool aka pie pan.

***Several people in the audience had accidentally heard about the pie and they just showed up.

**** Nothing lasts forever- except maybe the smell of chocolate pudding in Punk’s back yard….

*****Yes the moms ran through the house to shower – we found pudding in places you would never expect months after the big event!

Extra Extra Moms take over the news!

What is it that makes you a Momadonna? Punk would start off with the obvious saying it’s about being a great mom and stopping the Minions from taking over the world. Bitch would add that you have to have fun while doing so and that all the Momadonnas have attitude or as Punk likes to call it “personality.” Then The Professional would come along and say that it is much more than just being moms it’s also about our great friendship. Finally, Ringleader would chime in and say; yes that is all true but you also have to be YOU! Not just any old you but the best darn you that you can be!* So she personally runs in numerous races such as Ragnar Relays and as you know when a Momadonna does something she does it big!

The Ragnar Relay races are no exception. Ringleader just finished her third Ragnar race. When she finished she was not only stimulated, excited, and tired to the bone, but she was also cover story material for the news paper.** WE love publicity!!! Ringleaders article can be found in the Salt Lake Tribune. http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/sports/52031990-77/team-relay-cancer-taylor.html.csp
The newspaper pointed out that “While hundreds of teams of 12 participated in the race, two teams stood out from the crowd” That of course was Ring Leaders Team the Plundering Pavement Pounders. A most awesome team whose sense of style impressed the reporter…. possibly due to the argyle sox and eye patches! The article noted “some members of the Pounders took their team spirit one step further than the pirate emblem on their shirts. [Ring Leader, Bling and friends] got tattoos of the Ragnar Relay emblem before the race.”

A Momadonnas life is never dull!

** If anyone can fit the word “You” in this sentence one more time please let me know. I will be very impressed.
** No the article was not on the cover – but it should have been. I mean a Momadonna was in it, Hello - shouldn’t we always be on the front page?