PIE!

What do you call 21.5 pounds of dry chocolate instant putting mix, 25 pounds of cornstarch and more water than you can measure mixed together in a kiddie wading pool? “A crazy disaster waiting to happen?” Ummmm… maybe, but we call it MOMADONNA pie.

Some things just can’t be explained (or believe which is why we take pictures), however, I am going to attempt to do just that:

It all started when Punk got an idea, not just any idea but one so big it just had to be acted upon! Punk had been watching Attack of the Show and when the hostess Olivia Munn jumped into a giant pie. Punk turned to her Accessory and said I NEED TO DO THAT!!! Unfortunately for all the other Momadonnas, that’s exactly what she did.

In all fairness, prior to the big jump, she did tell the other moms what she was up to and obtained their agreement to participate. However, why they agreed is still one of life’s great mysteries (especially to the Momadonnas themselves). Possibly they agreed because they didn’t believe she would follow through. Or it could have been due to a long night of wine drinking… who knows, but in the end they did show up for the big jump!

Punk, having secured their approval proceeded to bake. This included gathering ingredients, testing pie consistency*, obtaining extra large kitchen utensils**, and making more chocolate pudding than anyone should see in their lifetime. By the time this month long process was complete the Moms not only had a large pie to jump in but also a fair size audience.***

When the day finally arrived it was sunny and clear. Punk lead the way, cautiously making her way to the pie. As the audience held their breath, the other Moms slowly started edging their way toward the mammoth pie too. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop… What am I saying? These are Momadonnas - there was no silence! Instead there was loud teasing and taunting until the big moment arrived and PUNK JUMPED!

The other Moms followed suite and soon all were enveloped in chocolate pie! However, as Arnold H. Glasgow said, nothing lasts forever **** and so eventually the Momadonnas had to get out of the pie. So off they went up through the house to take a shower.***** No we will not give details!!! PA-LEASE this is a mom site not a bad girlie one!

End result was: Four happy moms, a burned out a hammer drill, one ruined kiddie wading pool, and a mess so large it took over a week to clean it up. However, all the moms had soft silky skin for the next few weeks so it was all worth it!!!!! Now the girls are just waiting for the giant margarita…

* Testing Giant Pies is a very scientific process involving lots of guesswork and no real science at all.

** Utensils to make a giant pie included: a hammer drill, 5 gallon bucket, and a wading pool aka pie pan.

***Several people in the audience had accidentally heard about the pie and they just showed up.

**** Nothing lasts forever- except maybe the smell of chocolate pudding in Punk’s back yard….

*****Yes the moms ran through the house to shower – we found pudding in places you would never expect months after the big event!

Extra Extra Moms take over the news!

What is it that makes you a Momadonna? Punk would start off with the obvious saying it’s about being a great mom and stopping the Minions from taking over the world. Bitch would add that you have to have fun while doing so and that all the Momadonnas have attitude or as Punk likes to call it “personality.” Then The Professional would come along and say that it is much more than just being moms it’s also about our great friendship. Finally, Ringleader would chime in and say; yes that is all true but you also have to be YOU! Not just any old you but the best darn you that you can be!* So she personally runs in numerous races such as Ragnar Relays and as you know when a Momadonna does something she does it big!

The Ragnar Relay races are no exception. Ringleader just finished her third Ragnar race. When she finished she was not only stimulated, excited, and tired to the bone, but she was also cover story material for the news paper.** WE love publicity!!! Ringleaders article can be found in the Salt Lake Tribune. http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/sports/52031990-77/team-relay-cancer-taylor.html.csp
The newspaper pointed out that “While hundreds of teams of 12 participated in the race, two teams stood out from the crowd” That of course was Ring Leaders Team the Plundering Pavement Pounders. A most awesome team whose sense of style impressed the reporter…. possibly due to the argyle sox and eye patches! The article noted “some members of the Pounders took their team spirit one step further than the pirate emblem on their shirts. [Ring Leader, Bling and friends] got tattoos of the Ragnar Relay emblem before the race.”

A Momadonnas life is never dull!

** If anyone can fit the word “You” in this sentence one more time please let me know. I will be very impressed.
** No the article was not on the cover – but it should have been. I mean a Momadonna was in it, Hello - shouldn’t we always be on the front page?

Its that time of year again:

The Declaration of Wine Dependence

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for moms to dissolve the worries of the day they shall band with one another and drink some wine.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that (initially) all portions should be crated equal, That all wine should be consumed in the pursuit of Happiness, and that in the process of drinking each should imbibe at her own pace according to her own tastes and temperament. We understand that each wine is endowed by its creator with certain unalienable characteristics such as vintage and age. Therefore both whites and reds shall be consumed. – That to secure these characteristics Mom Rules are instituted among Momadonnas, deriving their just powers from themselves and not of the governed (i.e. minions and sometimes accessories). Momadonnas compassionately lay the foundation of these “Mom Rules”, as to them shall seem most likely to affect the minions safety and happiness.

Mom Rules

Prudence is encouraged. No minion should approach a Momadonna without careful evaluation of his or her request. Any request considered unnecessary or tattling will be ignored.

Accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind is more disposed to suffer, were the Momadonnas to go “with out”. Therefore upon request all Accessories should be willing to bring home pizza, cook steak and run to the store for more wine. A magnum or two should do.

We find while some evils are sufferable no glass should go empty. The Momadonnas declare that all glasses should be re-filled at anytime by anyone walking by with the expectation that the Momadonnas shall never go dry.

We, the Momadonnas, by our own Authority do solemnly publish and declare, that this Declaration of Wine Dependence stands for us, with us and sometimes against us.

Punk Hancock
Ringleader Hancock
Bitch Hancock
The Professional Hancock

How many Accessories does it take to change a light bulb?

How many Accessories does it take to change a light bulb? I don't care but if you have a few extras please send them my way....

Once upon a time an Accessory mentioned that the Momadonnas don't seem to like men. We disagree! Boy Howdy do we ever! We LOVE men, in fact we love them so much we would like to have 7 or 8 each. Seriously, would we bother to give them a Momadonna nickname if we didn't like them? Silly men, they don't know their own worth, but we do! This got us a-think-n “What men would we like for our 8 man entourage?” So as a public service to moms everywhere here is a list of men every mom should have in her life:

The Protector - If you don't have a big dog for protection then a man is the next best thing. Men are natural protectors. Why do you think they are so obsessed with fire, into sports, and always picking out the action movies at the theater? It is in their genes! All men respect a protector and all women adore him. Including Momadonnas, for example, when we go dancing we usually form a circle in an organized effort to keep the Creepers at bay, however, when we bring an Accessory along those same Creepers keep their distance!

The Cook - A man who knows how to cook is unlike any other. They not only save you time in the kitchen but they are happiest when serving you! They freely use words like hot, succulent, sticky, tantalizing, sweet, tasty, exotic, spicy, ahhh.... if only men would talk to us like that more often. Cooks are also known for their tendency to experiment and any man who wants to experiment on us, well now, that may have to be it's own subject!

The Cleaner - Ha ha ha. We think he is extinct that is if he ever existed at all…..

Mr. Fix it - Sometimes you need a man to fix things. That's not to say you can't do it yourself but it is so much more fun to watch him do it (especially if he is also eye candy man). We all know when you fix/build something, it is never as easy to do as it looks and inevitably there will be a few parts missing. So you may as well have a man do this for you, besides men like to shop at Home Depot, right? Add the fact that it is a stress reduction for you (not necessarily for the man) then you almost HAVE TO wrangle up an Accessory to fix it for you.

Eye Candy Man - Self-explanatory. We love eye candy men!!!

Mr. Kisser - As the name implies this is a man we love to kiss, amongst other things (AKA friend "with benefits"). We love to be with him. He makes our toes tingle and sometimes other parts. No other man can get our heart racing as fast or give us the same wild rush of emotion. Basically it just feels good when we moms are with him. …..Whoa that did NOT come out as planned! OK when I said we moms are with him above I was not implying all the moms are there with one accessory - We DO NOT SHARE! Whatever were you thinking?

Mall Guy- We all have a story about that one time a stranger gave us "the look." You know the one. The one where he smiles, looks you up and down, and is clearly enjoying the view. We adore these men. There are no strings attached and no commitment needed. He simply helps you acknowledge that you are a lovely lady who should be noticed. Nothing beats the feeling of knowing you are desirable! Of course when this happens you must immediately brag to your girls or your Accessory - whomever is closest!!!

Companion - OK truth be told sometimes it is nice to simply be with a man. Someone you can talk to and who will give you another point of view. Someone who will sit-back and relax with you and who likes you exactly as you are. He can also be any one of the other men above or a compilation of all of them. As long as being with him feels good then he is exactly what we need! Of course if he is also a good masseur that doesn’t hurt either….

The Breakfast Club

I can see it now, you are sitting there with a puzzled look on your face thinking of the 1985 Movie The Breakfast Club and wondering what, if anything, it has to do with the Momadonnas. Well we are too….

Lets see both the Momadonna Breakfast Club and the Movie The Breakfast Club involve people (some of which are female), both start in the morning, and both involve Molly Ringwald. Well no, that’s not technically true, but we feel like we know her and we have all met - her on the big screen! I guess we just wanted to start a good rumor. That said rest assured there really aren’t any “Molly” Momadonnas. Really there aren’t. So, to answer your original question, the Momadonna Breakfast Club has absolutely nothing to do with the Movie other than a similar name and before you ask; yes, we did name it the Breakfast Club on purpose. The name was created for one reason and one reason only - Punk thinks it’s funny.

So what is the Momadonna Breakfast Club? It is an excuse for the moms to get together (as everything we do is) and eat (which we have to do anyway). It started when Punk and LL Michelle decided they wanted to try a few different places for breakfast. Now each month a new location is chosen. The restaurants picked could be a friend’s recommendation or just some little diner that looked interesting as we drove past. Then on a pre-picked morning, off we go to explore the eating opportunities that present themselves. It’s a great chance to hang out with the girls and not feel guilty about spending time and money eating out. Mind you we can justify about anything but this one is especially easy. That is because eating with the Breakfast Club is a social event not just an excuse to get out of the house and NOT cook!

Momadonna Play date at the InstaCare

Just because the Momadonnas get sick from time to time doesn’t mean we stop having fun! We moms can make the most of any situation. Take the common cold…yes please take it, I’ve had enough!* This week Punk and LL Heather both had a bad cold but it didn’t stop them! They had a good time comparing symptoms and deciding which doctor’s office to go to. But that’s not all oh no! We moms are experts at being sick. We now have fun with each of our symptoms:

1.) Husky Voice or Laryngitis -Just because we’re sick and can’t speak that doesn’t mean we don’t communicate with the other moms. We think we are what the Minions call “tech savvy” aka we don’t need to ask a Minion to set the time on the VCR for us - Oh Crap! I shouldn’t have said that because it dates us and I’m not sure the Minions even know what a VCR is! I should have said the clock on the blue ray player. Oh well! I have further justification that we are tech savvy: we all have cell phones and we actually text each other.** So even when we are sick we are still in communication with the other moms! However, if we find our fingers aching we may still call each other and make fun of what Punk calls our sexy voices. A sexy voice sounds something like a chain smoker; deep, growly and very manly –yep it’s a great voice.

2.) Exhausted -Just because we can’t stay awake for more than four hours doesn’t mean we won’t make the most of those hours our eyes are open and just because we can’t walk up stairs without getting short of breath doesn’t mean we don’t count those 10 steps as our exercise for the day. Sometimes we can be very active while sick. We may choose to move into a whole new room for our next nap. Yes we are busy, tired girls!

3.) Aching bones –Specifically the Funny Bone. Just because we’re sick it doesn’t mean we lose our sense of humor. Although all the medication does mess with it a bit…. If someone sick thinks they made a joke we all kindly smile, even if that joke doesn’t exactly make sense. Besides as moms we expect you to all read our minds anyway. It’s a mom thing or maybe a girl thing either way its our progative.

4.) Can’t take care of yourself – Just because we’re sick it doesn’t mean we can’t take care of ourselves but as Momadonnas don’t need to. That’s because we Momadonnas take care of each other! When I was sick last, within a 24 hour period, I had offers from the moms for: medicine, drinks, food, daycare, a chauffer and yes a play date with another sick mom at the InstaCare! The moms are the best! They are always there for you and they all know what you have been going through. This is because they were sick with it last week or will probably have it next week- we blame it on the Minions. They may not be that good at sharing their toys but when it comes to germs they love to share!***


* Yes this is a bad Rodney Dangerfield joke but at least we admit it….
** Anyone can make a call with a cell phone but if you text you are truly modern.
*** And you can’t complain, I mean at least they are sharing, and this time without you having to yell at them first!

Exercise!

The Momadonnas know they are beautiful women who really should be satisfied with their bodies – so of course we aren’t. It’s not that we don’t appreciate our sexy little selves, in fact we love our lady lumps so much we have added a few extra lumps and bumps just to keep our bodies all sorts of curvy. However, even in our perfection there are a few changes we would like to make. So we all exercise. Ring Leader likes to run and participates in real races like the infamous Ragnar relays. The Professional lifts weights that are well over the three-pound mark, which just happens to be Punks personal limit. Even the LLs join in the fun and LL Heather is training for Triathlons while LL Maria is hitting the gym a minimum of twice a week and dragging all her sisters along! Then there is Punk. She is coordinating the outfits. Yes, unfortunately it’s true; and although we are definitely not the Lantern Core, she has put us all in bright green Momadonna Fashion. We look something like mom size limes (which isn’t too bad, we could be made into margaritas…) No doubt everyone will see us coming!

Just picture it: a matching group of florescent green moms walking down the hall towards you (probably in slow motion). Written in bold across their chests, like Superman, is a big black M – Momadonna. Quite a vision isn’t it.

Why is fashion so important? Because exercise is more than working on your body, it’s about feeling good about YOU! During the long, dark winter months it can be hard to feel good or energetic about anything. After exercising all the moms report feeling energized and ready to chase those Minions out of the rain. We all feel proud of what we have accomplished. We feel sweaty and sexy and strong! All it takes is a good hour or even 20 minutes of exercising and we are ready to take on the world! We love how it makes us feel and the results aren’t bad either. We have better muscle tone and stamina, which we need for those all night dance-a-thons. So bring on the dancing – but not the florescent green tops. Those can stay in the closet while we dance….

Mom Awards!

From the Momadonnas Tribune.......

Momadonnas Declare Their Awards a Success
By PUNK - Tribune Staff Writer
The Not-So-Associated Press

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — The Momadonns declare their first annual Award Show a success. Friday May 6th, 2011 crowds of Minions gathered after school at the exclusive Casa Del Punk for access to this gala event.* The youthful Minions found themselves energized by the prospect of trophies and cupcakes.

Five moms were recognized this year for their motherly achievements: Ring leader for Organizational Excellence, The Professional for Dancers Choice, Punk for Best Mom under 5 foot, Bitch for Smart A$$ mom award and finally, LL Of The Year went to LL Heather. For those unfamiliar with the Momadonnas vernacular LL is the abbreviation for Lovely Lady.

Ring Leader - who has attended many awards ceremonies** commented, "In case you were wondering, the awards are amazing. No really. What the awards did for the moms was so perfect." Ring Leader missed a later Awards Ceremony due to a camping incident. She appeared healthy on Friday.

LL Heather, winner of the coveted LL of the Year Award, also seemed pleased. While addressing the crowd in her acceptance speech she stated: “Thank you for a WONDERFUL afternoon!!! The awards are Amazing.”

Master of Ceremonies Punk, whose book The Adventures of the Group Formally known as Momtourage, started the Momadonnas phenomenon, created the Momadonnas Awards in 2011. She feels this gives them some credibility and if any reader disagrees she said she would simply “make up something else that sounds credible and add it to the blog too.” When asked what she would say to people who claim that they are unfamiliar with the Momadonnas, she responded, "I’m not surprised the majority of people have not heard of the Momadonnas, we are rather exclusive. I would, however suggest everyone read the blog at least once.” She herself visits the website weekly and she hints that everyone else reading this article visits the Momadonna blog as well. *** She notes the blog has a very passionate fan following… all of which seem to be the Momadonnas themselves.

Note:
* Minions had to attend the event; their moms drove them to Punk’s house.
**Usually at the Grade School with Minions involved…
***She has to visit the blog weekly because she is the author.

Mother’s Day Tea

How do you celebrate Mother’s Day? The Momadonnas wanted something big and yet relaxing (don’t we always?). So I (Punk) decided on a Mother’s Day Tea. I’ve always wanted a tea party and even convinced The Professional to have one at her house a few years back. However, this year was different, this year I was doing it my way – all the way. Watch out girls this could get interesting!

I feel Mother’s Day is not just for celebrating your own motherhood or even your mother’s lucky accomplishment of having you (although there really should be a holiday for that too….). It’s about celebrating ALL moms especially those who have gone before. I’ve always appreciated my Grandmother she was the most sophisticated and stylish woman that I knew. She was posh before Mrs. Beckham was a twinkle in her mother’s eye. I remember that I would stare in awe at her silver and play with her napkin rings whenever I could get away with it. This year, after she passed away, we cleaned out the family home and I was lucky enough to leave with two items: a real silver tray and one of her fancy sets of linens. So I ask, how better to celebrate Mother’s Day than with style - Grandmother style!

So of course I got my fancy tea party…

The moms sat informally around the living room sipping tea* and eating hors-d’oeuvres including biscuits imported from England, Canapé (mini sandwiches shaped like hearts and stars and yes, before you ask, all the crusts were cut off), mini cupcakes, and carrots (ugh not carrots again – they follow me everywhere!). The Minions were exiled to the dining room to sit and enjoy their tea together at a table.** Proudly displayed were my Grandmother’s silver and linen. They were being used just as she would have wanted them to be. I was surrounded by some of the best mothers I know, those that inspire, support, motivate, and complete me. When the afternoon tea party came to a close we all felt like a winner, especially me.

Of course it could have been the trophies…



*Pinkies extended as is proper for a lady.

**Note: Minions should always be at a table! It is safer that way.

Eating with the Momadonnas

You may not be surprised to learn the Momadonnas love to play with their food. You may even feel confidant that after watching them jump into a giant pie - you’ve pretty much proven your point. Well, we concede that you have, but you still don’t know the extent of our fetish with food! It’s not just that we like to eat it but we love to have fun while doing so (ok, ok we love to have fun doing everything…. we ARE Momadonnas after all). However, to get the full gist of our food obsession you must take us out for sushi. Yes you must! The Moms love Sushi, well except Punk. She is not into sushi and even after the other Momadonnas found deep fried sushi, she still would not budge. However, deep fried cheesecake is an entirely different story (which they just so happen to offer at sushi restaurants, just so you know).

So…you ask: How can eating sushi be fun other than the explosion of taste in your mouth? Well, you can wear it. Sometimes we do. We can be a bit messy and it’s not only our own food we end up wearing. It can be everyone else’s too. Part of being a Momadonna means sharing everything, even accessories – NO, NO not those Accessories but the other kind, like sunglasses and lip balm. Wow…about gave you the wrong impression there. When it comes to food, we share it as well. It is not uncommon to have a dish passed from person to person around the table for everyone to try. This can lead to a nice little mess. Which is why eating out is a good thing. WE don’t have to clean up! However, when the food being passed around is Hamachi Sashimi you should probably watch Bitch very carefully. She doesn’t eat it or even wear it she simply adds it to her anatomy. She loves it so much she has been known to pull the waitress over to see the results. And what are the results you ask? Bitch was able to add a piece of sashimi to her tongue making her look like the lead singer of KISS. Ah, the Momadonnas do so love to play with their food and we don’t see it ending any time soon (especially if we can keep making dirty jokes about the results as we did with the KISS fish tong – but we wont go there now, its too much, and I’m blushing already)

So feel free to take us out for Sushi any time! AANNNNNYY TIME!!!

The Accessories and the Lady Gaga Concert

As you know for the Momadonnas official birthday celebration they went to the Lady Gaga concert. They booked their seats months in advance (like 6) and settled down to wait.

When the day finally arrived the Momadonnas felt they were well organized, but the Accessories were in a state of disarray. There were so many little things they had to work out: who would drive, when to eat, what to do, and finally the big one- what should they wear? The last one sounds easy enough but not when you invite the Accessories. How does one dress a man for a Lady Gaga concert? Well there are whole websites dedicated to that question, unfortunately, after reviewing several of them we determined that if you were a straight male you probably didn’t go to Lady Gaga concerts. Dressing them could be interesting….

Punk tried to get her Accessory to match her, but for some reason he was not interested in dressing in bright, florescent pink. Bitch’s Accessory was glad to play along right up until the part where you go out in public. However, we do have some video to use against him in the future (right Mr. Monroe…yeah you know what we talking about.) Then there is Bling, Ringleaders Accessory. He started out dressed respectably but promptly got into the mood of things by ripping the side out of his jeans. We felt it made him fit in all the more. As you know there is nothing like a little cheekieness to put you in the mood and the boy definitely had some cheek going on.

All and all their outfits worked remarkably well but we still wish they would have used a bit more tin foil and maybe some bubbles….

Birthday Week

Do you want to be a Momadonna? Are you wondering what the requirements are? Well, we do have a web page dedicated to it and normally we would be more than glad to “tell you were to go”, however, since you are here… The answer is in order to become a Momadonna you must first be a mom, and second you need to have a birthday between March 14 and March 21st. Oh and it helps to be a Pisces. That gives you about 8 days to work with. So if you could arrange your birth to occur at these times please by all means get to it! The Moms themselves have done fairly well keeping up with this rule. Bitch, Ringleader and Punk all have their birthdays during that week. That makes it a very interesting week indeed. The Professional does not have a birthday on that week, but someone has to keep those three fishies on a hook. The Moms enjoy their week and always have a group party (or two - possibly three) plus each has their own individual parties. That way no one is ever board, in fact, it has been a struggle to fit all that partying in!

This year was no different. The Momadonnas started with a group birthday party at Ringleaders house the week prior to the infamous birthday week. This was followed by the Birthdays of both the Ringleader and Bitch. Bitch’s birthday party included a little light hearted drinking and by little I mean 5 shots and 3 beers and that was just the H'ors deurves wait until you hear what she had for the main course! Then the moms went out to their second group birthday party at the Lady Gaga concert (this had a double purpose it was a party and it helped fill in their dancing quota for the month). Finally, Punk got around to adding her birthday to the list.

This gave the girls a lot of time to find out what part of their birthday they liked best and so each mom celebrated in her own way. On her birthday, Punk, gave everyone else gifts. On Bitch’s birthday she declared, “I don’t have to wear green because St. Patrick’s day IS my birthday (and it is too).” Ringleader asked if she could sit down yet (her schedule had been booked for months in advance…it may be her only chance to sit and relax). This all leads to The Professional. She must find this week hard for a couple reasons: First, her birthday is NOT in March and second, because all the others are, she must find March a very expensive month $$$!! Yet somehow she also survives… probably on Momadonna lip balm.

So the end result is for one week in March not only do we Momadonnas think we rule the world (which we do just ask us) but you readers actually put up with it!

Welcome to the Monster Ball!

Momadonnas go to the Lady Gaga Concert

For their birthdays the Momadonnas went to the Lady Gaga Concert in Salt Lake. The Momadonnas had a wonderful night full of VIP treatment and partying galore. VIP: MOMADONNAS ONLY!

First they found their balcony seats were more then the secluded seats they had expected THEY WERE DANCE READY!!!! The Momadonnas had reserved a roped off section of cement 6 foot wide by 18 foot long.

Momadonna Dance Floor!
They were given cushioned, folding, chairs to sit on that could be moved! Yes Moved! So when concert started they pushed the chairs back and quickly found they could dance the night away with room to spare. It was a perfect concert for our dancing girls!
Dance Dance Momadonnas!

Momadonnas VIP dancing at Lady Gaga!

Momadonna's Birthday Lip Balm

Lip Balm!

What is the gift that keeps on giving? Lip balm…yes Lip balm.

It all started when Punk stumbled across the perfect Christmas gift. So off she went to order it .....and what was it you ask? Lip balm! Not just any lip balm but Momadonna brand. She had found a company that would put the Momadonnas Logo on the lip balm for her. Now Punk knew the minimum order of 100 would be a bit much but she figured if she got two different flavors it would help. Yum! So she ordered passion fruit (because the name is awesome) and mint figuring that by doing so she would cover everyone’s taste. Unfortunately, she did not read the fine print. Remember that 100 minimum? Well, you see, it’s per flavor NOT per order. Oops! She was sent 200 lip balms and you know what that means… Yes the Momadonnas got lip balm for both Christmas and their birthdays. It looks like they will be also be getting lip balm for Mothersday, Easter and the next twelve holidays she can find….

So does anyone have dry lips?

Mom and Me - The Eternal Struggle

As a mom, do you ever feel like it's all about the kids. We do everything for them. We were put here on this earth to be their mothers. We work 24/7 being Mom. We don't get sick days. We keep the house orderly. We prepare the meals (for those of us that can cook anyways). We make sure the kids get their homework assignments finished. We get into a routine in which every decision we make revolves around the kids and their schedules. There are so many aspects of being "Mom" that sometimes, you feel like you lost yourself - the person you were before you became a Mom. The Momadonna's realize this and make it a point to make sure we remember our personal identities.

Punk and The Professional go dancing. They really like to dance. All the Momadonna's like to dance in fact, but these two LIKE LIKE to dance (the meaning of "Like Like" will be explained another time).

Bitch escapes by going to school to be a nurse. She also religiously makes mani/pedi appointments. Once in a great while, a special treat, all the Momadonna's get away by having a spa day!

The Ringleader in particular was tired of feeling like she was "just" a mom. To combat this feeling, she took up running. She uses running to get out of the house, and be...herself. Last year she and her Accessory started doing Ragnar Relay Races-overnight races. Ringleader must enlist in the help of her family, as well as the other Momadonna's, to help her with the children so that she can do these races - without the kids.

Recently, Ringleader and her Accessory were "stranded" in paradise. They flew to Miami and ran (yes ran) 197 miles to Key West. They got stranded. Really! All flights were cancelled and they were stuck there - without kids - for an entire seven days! Now while this may seem enjoyable, and OH IT WAS (ask Ringleader), she very quickly realized that she missed her "Mom" role. She wanted her kids - she was done "not" being mom.

The Momadonna's feel it's very important and very healthy to remember that while we may do everything for our kids, and while we may be referred to as "so and so's mom" more often than to our own names, MOM'S NEED THEIR TIME too! Demand a balance in your life and devote at least .1% of your time to doing something that is just for you because we all know that the other 99.9% goes to being a mom. Do it. You will be a happier mom for it! - Just don't step out of the role for to long, or you may really start to miss what made you a Mom in the first place.

Bikini Dinner

So we lost a bet…. Not just any bet but one with the Accessories and now not only do we have to capitalize their names in the blog, but we also have to cook them dinner in our bikinis.

It all started when The Professional and Punk had a night out with a few of the Accessories. After a nice dinner they decided to hit a local pub. Unfortunately, when they entered the pub there wasn’t any music playing. This blocked their intended goal of dancing, so they had to come up with another activity to occupy themselves. Meet the Pool Table! The girls decided to play pool…well something like that. I don’t think we can call what Punk did actually playing pool. Not that she didn’t do something on a pool table where she hit the balls and someone yelled scratch, but I don’t think it qualifies as pool. However, playing pool was their intent.

Just to make things interesting an Accessory suggested a little wager. The girls should have known better, before they knew it they had lost the first bet and were in debt one winter car wash. Not satisfied with this little win the Accessories offered to let the Moms attempt a come back. So together they made the bet double or nothing with the losers giving the winners a nice dinner cooked and eaten ALL while in bikinis. At this juncture I want to stop and point out not even cheating could help the moms (Please don’t worry the girls made the cheating very obvious. It was as if they were just daring the Accessories to say no… which they didn’t). The end result was the Moms were soundly defeated. This is possibly due to Punks new scratching technique that includes not only losing the little white ball, but also causing other balls to fly off the table and across the dance floor. On the bright side, at least Punk was able to get on the dance floor
while chasing those balls….

The Accessories, secure in their victory, went on to make a few suggestions for the bikini dinner. Maybe the Moms should cook some pan-fried food like bacon? Oh, the Accessories think they are clever don’t they? Well we will see….yes, we will see.

Naughty Night

Ever have the urge to be naughty? The Momadonnas do. Frequently in fact. Now, some of you may be wondering what we mean by "naughty". Well, what do you think we mean? Haha, well each of the Momadonnas have a different meaning but, one thing for sure, we all like to be naughty together. I wont go into details, okay, maybe I will, but naughty night consists of things the Momadonna's usually wouldn't do.

For some, being "naughty" means to go over on their Weight Watchers points. Naughty night would consist of wine, lots of wine, and a ton of really greasy food with all disrespect for point calculations.

For others, it could mean snuggling on the couch with a heated blanket, a glass of wine, and nice warm weenie...named Lilly.For others, naughty night means weight lifting a magnum of wine while looking at the treadmill thinking "I should get on that the treadmill".And for some, they are simply looking forward to the punishment from "disobedient, mischievous, improper, indecent behavior" (this is the actual dictionary definition of naughty by the way) that being naughty brings...while drinking wine.Hmmm, has anyone else noticed that wine is a common factor in all things naughty?!? I think I should go post this article on Facepoke.

WHAT? Face POKE? Okay, but only if it makes me Twitter.

Trampolines

Trampolines are an adventure just waiting to happen. There are no official rules other than the manufacturer’s warning not to exceed 200 pounds. There is nothing telling you how high you can jump, what tricks you can do, or how old you need to be. You can play on a trampoline at any age! Although, we’re sure it is not recommended for most ages. This is because there is always someone getting hurt. The problem is that when an adult gets hurt, it is also funny. The Momadonnas all agree that without trampolines, America’s Funniest Videos would go out of business! Therefore, adults are always encouraged to jump even if it is against their better judgment.

As moms and adults, we found ourselves asking about these non-existent rules. Surely we should have some if only to use against the Minions later. So we “jumped” into the rule making process. As we “bounced” ideas off of each other we “tumbled” across one question that we felt had never been answered to our satisfaction and as budding scientists we thought we would address it. It was the universal question of how many so called “adults” you can have on a trampoline at one time. We compiled the data, completed the calculations, and after careful consideration we have come up with an answer: ZERO
Yes, the number of adults you can have on a trampoline at any one time is zero. If you are willing to disregard our conclusion then we recommend that you do not exceed 1 ½ -2 adults. Anything beyond this could result in something breaking, for us it was the trampoline. It turns out that 200 lb weight limit was there for a reason. Who knew? Think human taco with Momadonna filling. Ah yes the things we do for science…

Multiple Personalities

Sometimes the person you think you are is NOT what other people see, or maybe it’s just your photo ID?

One morning last week The Professional called Punk with an interesting story. She had been buying groceries (what kind of groceries she bought is NOT the interesting part although in certain parts of the country it could be) and when The Professional went to pay for said groceries the cashier asked for her credit card and ID. After careful review, the cashier proceeded to tell The Professional that the ID and credit card did not match. Well, The Professional is used to this and has had similar questions before due to her last name being hyphenated (yes, she has one of those names…she is The Professional after all). She carefully explained her name situation to the cashier who just looked at her blankly. The more The Professional explained, the more daunting the cashiers look became. Finally, he said “NO the names do not match” and handed the ID and credit card back to The Professional. Looking at both closely she found she had to agree with him for smiling up at her was PUNK.
She had Punks ID.
Punk, listening to this story, stopped and checked her wallet. Sure enough, she had The Professional’s ID! How had this happened? Rewind to the prior weekend. The girls had gone dancing at a “21 and older” club, so the club hostess had checked their ID’s (which is considered a complement to anyone who has been 26 for over 10 years as ALL of the Momadonnas have). The hostess must have handed the girls back the wrong IDs! Not that it is entirely the Clubs fault, for both Punk and The Professional had ample time to notice this discrepancy as they moved their ID into their wallets and purses over the next few days. Who knows how long they would have had gone on being each other if the cashier had not checked! The girls consider themselves very lucky because with the way The Professional gets speeding tickets, it’s a good bet they would have found out about the ID switch in a BAD way!

Texting Tribulation

Momadonnas are very busy. We are always running around in 12 different directions, so keeping in touch can be difficult. We find texting helps. However, as Bitch learned, if not used properly, texting can also cause problems.

Bitch, in addition to texting the Momadonnas, loves to text her Accessory. One day she decided to text him one of those private texts. You know the ones – the ones that make you lift your eyebrow and say "naughty, naughty," while wagging your index finger back and forth. Anyway, Bitch felt she had composed a rather nice little text sure to make anyone blush and sent it off to her Accessory. She just knew he would enjoy it. Unfortunately, he didn't respond. She waited and waited, still nothing! So she called him “Hey, didn’t you like my text?” and his reply “What text?”

OH NO!

Bitch pulled up her phones history and found she had not sent the text to her Accessory… Dum Dum Dum (that’s the dreaded drum roll). She had sent it instead to The Professional!

Now imagine The Professional’s surprise as she read the extent of Bitches feelings for her. I’m sure she was very flattered that Bitch cared for her that much and was ready to let her down gently when Bitch called. Because of course Bitch did call. You see Bitch knew that being The Professional entitles you to some respectability, so she felt a little embarrassed (but not as embarrassed as she would have been if she had sent that photo…). Yes, Bitch called and apologized. The Professional, being rather relieved, graciously accepted. The other girls? Now what they did with this information is a different story all together.

Poor Bitch. For weeks on end she was sent naughty texts and not quite respectable photos from the other Momadonnas. Of course we thought we were very helpful and we have noticed Bitch definitely double checks her texts before she sends them now!

Helping Moms

Some moms find it easy to ask for help. Others hesitate because they don’t want to be a burden. Still other moms will hold out until they have a whopper of a favor to ask for. Then there are the moms who don’t even know they need the help.

How can you help a friend who doesn’t know she needs the help? Well you’ve come to the right place! Momadonnas love to help the unknowing and here are a few ideas that we are willing to share:

Feed their pets........

Help them pack (especially when it’s a tropical vacation).......
Cheer them on.......
Take care of their children (well, try to)......

Momadonna Makeover

Whenever the moms get together something happens and it’s always a surprise, especially to us. Just the other day we had a birthday party for Bitch’s Accessory. You remember the one, he didn’t like being 37? This was doubly true when Bitch was done with him. She would tell everyone including strangers: “This is my boyfriend. He is 5 years older than me. He is 37.” Well, for his birthday we were going out. So the Momadonnas decided to get together and finalize their action plan for the evening.

Upon reaching Ringleaders house, Bitch declared, “I’m taking a shower.” Now this isn’t something you would hear everyday, but it happens to be common when Bitch is involved, so Ringleader handed her a towel as Bitch was busy explaining how she was saving time by taking a shower AT Ringleaders house. So Bitch took a shower right then and there. When she was all clean and shiny she came out to the kitchen and pulled out what can only be described as a bag of magic. It was full of mom toys and infinite possibilities (ok it was full of makeup).

Slowly she pulled out her supplies and stacked them on the counter. Picture the grand Thanksgiving feast your grandma used to make but with makeup instead of food spread across the table. As far as the eye can see were shades of reds, blues, browns and greens. The other moms took turns oohing and ahhing as Bitch worked her magic. Then suddenly Bitch looked up from her own prepping and said, “Want me to do you up?”

As you know, no one can say no to Bitch, so before you could blink she had Punk and Ringleader sitting down getting re-vamped. This not only included make up – oh no! There was eyebrow plucking and wine as well. Thinking back it may have been the wine that started it and not really Bitch at all. After Bitch poked and prodded the other moms for an hour, they were deemed presentable and therefore ready for the party. Nothing like a new look to give you attitude! The Accessories didn’t even mind…of course they don’t notice either.

New Year 2011

The Momadonnas decided to have a quiet and relaxing New Year Celebration for 2011….We failed.

The plan was to stay home, relax, eat hors d’oeuvres, and watch a movie. The Professional won (well maybe lost) the coin toss; so we converged on her house New Years Eve. The party started mellow enough with the Minions locked in the basement and the adults snacking in the kitchen. Then the ipods came out (as they ALWAYS do). From that point forward our plans went straight out the window. The kitchen was converted into a dance club and the real festivities began. However, we forgot the kitchen was also where the hors d’oeuvres were baking and soon we were all hot (well… we were already “hot” but this time it was physically not just mentally). Luckily, Ringleader had the idea of opening the back door. As cool air washed in, the dancing migrated to the back porch. This must have made an impression on the neighbors because suddenly a loud “woo hoo” filled the air. There was mass hysteria as bodies dove through the door into the house. Then as the initial shock wore off, The Momadonnas (never ones to let their fans down) migrated back towards the door. There was some discussion about showing the neighbors the Accessory’s “moon” and if it weren’t for the fly swatter incident and The Professional’s desire to maintain a little respectability, we may very well have.

Oh, so you want to know about the fly swatter? Too bad. There are some things that don’t ever need to be in print. Lets just say that it does make a rather loud slapping sound when it hits your rear….

The end result is we all made it to midnight, well maybe 11:15, but we did wake up enough to toast in the new year!

From One Mother to Another, Seasons Greetings and Happiest of Holidays.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the hood
The moms were all stirring, as they knew they should.
The stockings were hung and now needed filling,
The moms snuck out of their rooms with Accessories willing.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While moms and Accessories used their heads,
To build that bike, that castle, that doll.
Up till 3:30 trying to build it all!

When suddenly out of nowhere there arose such a clatter,
Parents sprang into action - what was the matter?
Had one of the Minions accidentally woke up?
No, its nothing, they’d tipped Santa’s cup.

Cleaning up spilt milk like a flash,
They finish Santa duties in a mad dash.
Then back to their beds for some well-deserved sleep,
For an hour or two until they hear the Minions creep.

They are out of bed and ready to play!
The Minions are excited for it’s Christmas day!

Your mission if you choose to accept it is Dancing...again

The Momadonnas are on a mission. We are looking for the perfect dance experience and no, dancing in our basements doesn’t count. In order to accomplish this we have set a goal to try every dance club we can find until we are satisfied. So far we have tried four clubs …this took us three years so don’t hold your breath. However, in the process of accomplishing our goal we have learned a lot and as you know Momadonnas love to share…
 


Last Saturday we discovered the difference between dancing with the top 40 crowd (aka the “younger” crowd) and people our own age (the “older” crowd). It started when Punk and The Professional put on their largest fake wedding rings and headed for a new club. (The rings are for their protection – The theory is that after a man buys a mom a drink they will notice the big shiny ring and maybe, just maybe they will leave her alone after). Well the first thing the Moms noticed at the club was the size of the crowd. When the Momadonnas go to a “younger” club the place is empty until at least 10 pm (so empty it has been known to echo when they talk- just ask LLs Heather and Maria). This “older” club they went to was totally full by 9 pm and emptying by 11. Is that because at our age we should be in bed by 10? Hmmm …..I’m afraid that may be true, but we probably shouldn’t admit it.



There were other differences as well. At the “older” club there was a live band playing music, not just a DJ. At one point The Professional actually looked at Punk and said, “Do we know how to dance to this?” Of course we do – Momadonnas can dance to anything and usually do. Another difference we noticed was the clientele. It’s not just that they are older but they behave differently too. Take the cowboy that bought us a drink. We mouthed our thanks across the bar to him but didn’t give him any encouragement. Not ten minutes later we looked up and noticed he was already making out with another girl. We were very impressed. These “older” club patrons obviously know how to get things done!

Thinking of the Holidays.....

I was looking through last Christmas’s photos when I ran across the one above. This picture serves to remind me of why we have the Momadonnas. Its not just because we have things in common (we ARE all moms…), or because we have lots of fun together, and no it’s not even because the Minions like to hang out with each other. The reason is Friendship! We care deeply about each other and will always be there for each other. There have been numerous times when the moms where there for me, the unexpected surgery, the death of a loved one, the overwhelming need to go dancing. I always have my girls and they should know by now they will always have me. Thank you!

How to make work fun

Lately, as the days get dark and cold, the Momadonnas have been wondering how to make work more bearable. What can you do to get that little spark at work that makes it all worth while? Well, we have not come up with the perfect answer yet, but here are a few suggestions:

Our dear Ringleader suggests sleeping with the boss. Of course this doesn’t work for everyone, especially if you are not married to the boss as the Ringleader is. It also could cause some difficulties when your nick name becomes sexretary. Ringleader also pointed out that when working for family you CAN’T call in sick. If you do, don’t plan on posting your days activities on facebook and you better be home when the chicken noodle soup gets delivered by your mother-in-law (AKA Big Boss). These rules, however, do not apply when said “Big Boss” asks you to go shopping with her. Then of course, you have to explain to “boss” why you spent your (and sometimes his) day’s earnings.

Punk creates nicknames for everything and then makes it into a joke. She thinks it is much easier to laugh off something than let it irritate you. However, if she says the weather is “clear ” it may have nothing to do with the storm raging outside and everything to do with her clientele. This also keeps those around her happy. Who wants to work with someone who is all work and no play….lets get some personality showing! Of course when her jokes start at 6 am they can get a bit interesting…

The Professional suggests lots of coffee. Yes, lots and lots of coffee. She also suggests a lunch date once a week or so. It is soooo nice to have something to look forward to and although you can have a nice meaningful conversation during work hours those same conversations are much more stimulating at lunch. That’s when you can really say what you want too and not feel guilty about it. Finally, she says: Prospective. Sometimes talking to others makes you realize how good life can be, unfortunately, it helps you realize how bad as well. So look inside and enjoy the moment. It can feel good to be grateful for where you are.

Then there’s Bitch. Her answer is to call in sick, but watch those tan lines girls!