Never call at midnight

Momadonnas support each other unconditionally – no matter what time of day or night we are at each other’s beck and call. Of course, we also have a wicked sense of humor which can lead to trouble…

One night Bitch called just before midnight. She was ecstatic, her Accessory had just proposed.* Well maybe proposed is too strong a word. They had been playing an aggressive game of Truth or Dare when after a triple dog dare they were making the choice of getting married or being called chicken. They decide to go with the getting married option because no one can bear to be known as “a chicken.” They picked a date and proceeded to call their friends. They had to do it that very night because the date they picked was less than two months away! Why so soon? Because for some reason it was very important to get married before Bitch’s Accessory turns 37. You ask just what happens at this magical age of 37? Well after a through investigation we discovered that at 37 NOTHING changes for a person - as far as we can tell it’s just this Accessory’s new personal phobia (we love him but he does have quite a few).

At this point I will mention they made two mistakes:

(1) Inviting Patron (the tequila) to dinner.
(2) Calling Punk.

Punk said she didn’t believe them and the only way to prove it was to make it public…very public. She had them put it on Facebook. Not that many people are using Facebook at midnight but the next morning, boy howdy, were there a few surprised folks including Bitch and her Fiancé. Unfortunately, after some sober reflection they decided to break off the engagement. The Facebook messages were deleted and they openly admitted it might be safer to make those kinds of decisions in broad daylight (not that we believe they will).

And what does Bitch have to say for her self? “Thank goodness I wasn’t in Las Vegas.” Yes, that would have given this story a whole different ending...


*Please note: This was a second proposal – The last time was a few months ago after Bitch let out a particularly awesome burp.

Wax Job

So as you know I’m into new things like riding bulls and eating real people food… well I’m ready to add to the list. Now the Momadonnas are beautiful women, but all that beauty requires some sacrifice. One mom exercises, another dies her hair and a third eats well but they all have one thing in common: They wax their brows. That’s where I come in. I am a plucker, no no I said plucker you know PPPLLLLUUUCCKER with a “PL” geeze anyway I decided to get all sexy like the girls and wax those brows into shape.

First, I was told I had to grow them out for a month. A whole month! Of course I could not hide in my house all month (I tried really I did) so after some trial and error I found the next best thing - bangs. Bangs work wonders for hiding brows and when short they don’t even get into your eyes! Huh, who knew? The second thing I did was practice my screams. I had heard this experience would hurt and I had to make it sound good. Unfortunately, I don’t think the other Momadonnas appreciated my efforts. Could it be the late night scream calls? Third, I had to make the choice of where to go. This is the most important step of all. We have one LL who had her wax job and one came out bigger than the other and WE COULD ALL TELL!! Now no one should ever have to go through that! So I decided to be logical and go to Bitches girl, Tao (pronounced “Taow” like “wow”). This is important because it rhymes and I could tell everyone “Tao waxed my brow.” Oh but in that important decision making process I forgot to mention that Tao also rhymes with ow - oops.

When the time came, Bitch offered to go in with me and hold my hand but I said “no I will be brave”. Then Tao laid me down and got to work. Guess what? It was not that bad at all. I even forgot to scream! Not to downplay the experience because yes it hurt but only for a second and then my face felt kind of numb. Driving home I felt like a million bucks. I smiled at strangers proud of what I had done. Once I got home I rushed upstairs to show my accessory my new look. The first thing out of his mouth (after the laughing) was “got waxed there did yah?” You see it turns out I had swollen up a bit and looked as though I had inadvertently put bright red blush across my eyes and brow. I guess you should not show off how sexy you are while you are swollen and red…and then it got worse. We had a dinner date and I had to go out in public looking like this. So, I had my accessory give me a soft slap on my cheeks so I was red all over then we went out.

In the end all I could think of was one word: Brazilian…..oooowwwww not goin’ there!

The Commercial

It was inevitable; everyone knew it would happen eventually - Hollywood came knocking. Well not exactly Hollywood, but a producer. A real producer (we know we checked his resume) and he asked if the Momadonnas wanted to be in a commercial. Honest! They specifically asked for the Momadonnas and of course we immediately agreed. We didn’t even ask what the commercial was for. Imagine our great relief when we discovered it was for a Timeshare and not some personal hygiene product.

The Momadonnas know almost nothing about Timeshares, but we knew we were the perfect choice for this commercial. Face it, we know we are the perfect choice for ANY commercial! Rest assured that if there were any doubts as to our being a good choice for this commercial, we would immediately make up a reason why we were not only a good choice but the ONLY choice. Who better in front of a camera than a Momadonna? We are just such naturals at being ourselves and we can wing it sooo well, our minions still believe we actually have hidden eyes in the back of our heads! Oh and besides all that, we're hot (just ask us we’ll tell you – and for any of you other moms out there, Rule #5 of mom-hood is always proclaim your hotness, for if you don’t say you’re hot who will?) Being a self-proclaimed hottie should be reason enough to put anyone in a commercial…shouldn't it?

As for the whole filming process it wasn’t bad at all. As the mom was being filmed she positively glowed. Of course it could be the guy with the light reflector aimed at her face, but it was a glow none the less. Then we were asked to repeat the same line over and over again. Of course every time the producer asked to do a re-take the mom yelled "YES YES YES!" You see to us a “do over” is a compliment -"You there film us some more!" We felt very good about this process and even had a large crowd of three people stop to watch us in action! The end result was a resounding success…well we think so, the producer hasn’t talked to us since.

Happy Birthday The Professional!

A Momadonna birthday party is a difficult affair, especially if you don’t want the mom-of-honor to know about it. As you may have guessed, this year for The Professional’s birthday we decided to throw her a surprise party! Not that a surprise party is all that unusual for a Momadonna. All of our parties are sort of a surprise. No one knows who will show up or what will happen. Half the time we are surprised to find out we are even having a party. Like our Minions, our parties like to start small and innocent then grow, grow, GROW! So I guess you could say all of our parties are surprise parties, but this one was a little more special because we actually planned on it being a “surprise party”. We even yelled "surprise!" when The Professional walked in (which, by the way, is a dead give away that it’s a surprise party).

This year, with the help of a few Accessories, we introduced Karaoke to our parties. After all, a girl can't "just" dance ALL the time. Well, actually she could but this shakes things up a bit. Karaoke can be SCARY. Picture yourself in a dark room filed with loud noise and strangely dressed people that you may or may not know. This crowd has no problem hissing, clapping, yelling and helping you with your songs. Some of the group we hang with will not only help you sing but also make up the words as they go…no, I will not go into details on this as it makes Punk blush and some things are better left unsaid, or unsung as the case may be. Either way, Karaoke seems to be a hit. Some of the moms are great singers like Ringleader and The Professional, whereas others have to be dragged to the microphone (usually over an Accessories shoulder) like Punk. No matter what method is used, the end result is always the same, everyone has fun.

We continue to have fun until its time to say goodbye, usually about the same time we discover our sexy voices. Sexy voices are almost always discovered after singing or yelling for an extended amount of time, and we do lots of both! The Professional and Ringleader were both hoarse by the time the party wound down. That is a good thing, for as any man will tell you, a deep, husky voiced woman makes a big impression. Yes, a big impression…unfortunately not always a good one.