The After Christmas Party

Christmas is a wonderful time of year. Everyone gives you presents, you have an excuse to do some serious shopping and strange men want you to sit on their lap and offer you candy!* I can’t think of any other time of year when the festivities are so encompassing and we Momadonnas are not immune to its affects. We love the Holidays! We find ourselves running around allover the place causing general mayhem. However, since it is such a busy time of year, we find we have little time for ourselves. This year we had so little time we didn’t even host a Momadonnas Christmas Party! Well iCandy would not put up with that! She found a way to make us party - introducing the Christmas After Party. Much like the Grammy or Oscar After Parties this party was full of beautiful well dressed women, paparazzi,** and awards (in the form of gifts this time – not actual trophies).

iCandy must have been inspired. You know how every year you are the recipient of at least one gift that makes you shake you head and say “what were they thinking?” Well this party took advantage of that fact and each guest was asked to bring “one wrapped re-gifted present” for a gift exchange. They say one persons trash is another person’s treasure - well we were about to put that idiom to the test!

The Result you ask? It was a resounding success! We loved the re-gifting! Several gifts were so well received that they were actually fought over. Others gifts however, such as the 2010 scantily dressed Men of the Islands calendar and a gift that may prove to be the yard sell find of the year: chicken oven mitts, were so impressive they simply brought us to tears…. in fact days later we find they still do.


* Ho Ho Ho – yes him
** Coincidentally enough the paparazzi were those same well dressed women whipping out their iPhones.

Moms love their Jammies!

What sounds good to a Momadonna? Dancing – yes, but that’s not the answer we’re looking for this time. It’s pajamas! Yes our PJ’s always sound good to us. We have been known to spend whole days in our Jammies (usually with an excuse handy, something like we are sick or one of the Minions is). Pajamas are just so comfortable and easy - we love to wear them! There should be a holiday dedicated to relaxing in your nightwear. However, since there is not one, we have had to get creative in order to get our pajama fix. That’s where our Bunko group comes in. Last month’s Bunco was also a PJ night! How perfect is that? We had some comfy girl time with warm soup, festive games and slippers. It was a giant slumber party (minus the sleeping part) for us Moms. We gossiped, played with each other’s hair and snacked the night away in comfortable companionship.

However, the next day I started wondering what do our pajamas say about us? I mean we had everything from a crafty little holiday sleeper set to a one piece footed ensemble. It’s funny but as I look back, each of the girl’s choice in pajamas really did say something about her.

And what do your PJs say about you? I did some research for all you moms out there and here is what I found:

Flannel pajamas: These are for girls who are comfortable with themselves. If you wear Flannel you are doing it for you and your personal satisfaction.

Silk pajamas: Silk is for girls who like to be touched (I know this because I read it on the Internet). You may wear these for your man but most women say they choose silk for themselves because it makes them feel good. Silk even calls itself the “sensual fabric”- enough said.

Lacy littles: Lace is not necessarily comfortable (sometimes it’s down right itchy) so if you wear it to bed you’re a pleaser. Oh yes we went there. These PJs could be renamed “give me some love’n pajamas.”

Nothing: If you go to bed in your bare essentials they say you are confident and spontaneous. I say you are also possibly kinky…

Tank top & matching shorts: This is for the playful girl. It shows you are comfortable with yourself and confident (you would have to be in order to walk around with those short PJ shorts on. They are way to cheeky.)

T-shirt: This is for the sporty and practical girls. They know what they want and can obtain it with great efficiency.

Footie Pajamas: These PJ’s scream personality. They tell everyone who sees you that you are out to have a little fun. However, what they say about your love life, well now that’s a whole different story isn’t it……

The great MILF debate

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November Birthdays

It’s that time of year again: The Professional celebrated her Annual 26th Birthday and the Momadonnas are ecstatic! We know there is nothing like a November Birthday, we crave them-no we NEED them! You see, by the time November rolls around we all need an excuse to Party and Thanksgiving just doesn’t cut it. Not that we don’t love Thanksgiving, it's just not the partying type of holiday…. I mean you don’t get any presents, it’s on a Thursday,* and there is no dancing involved. Although, by the end of the night, everyone is rolling around on the floor moaning (because they ate too much) which from a distance could look a bit like dancing.

This year The Professional’s Birthday started with our sleeping in** followed by the official Momadonna gathering at 1pm. Which, coincidentally enough, is also when we decided to get dressed. Not that we couldn’t all get together in jammies but it was The Professionals birthday after all. So the moms gathered. We are actually very good at gathering and this particular time we were able to make a day of it hanging out all day until our dinner reservations at 7. However, as you know when your with the Momadonnas, nothing goes as expected.

Arriving at the restaurant the moms found their dinner delayed. So what did they do? Break out dancing? Well yes, but first they got their hands on the restaurant’s Karaoke room! This was a perfect fit for The Professional’s birthday and even though the karaoke instructions were in Korean, the moms had a blast! Of course, after a relaxing day together that included wine and sake, the moms were more than ready to sing in Korean if necessary. Yes parts of us were feeling very good about then.

When the night ended The Professional must have been feeling good too. She told us it was a "perfect birthday" and honestly that’s all we need to hear. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!



* Thursdays are not the best day for a holiday - you may have to work the next day! Not that you will get much work done on a Friday after a holiday....
**The moms were able to sleep in because they arranged to have the school closed that Friday. Not that the school district knew it was for us or because of us (they thought it was a compensatory day due to parent teacher conferences), but we will take credit anyway.

Good V. Evil

Have you ever noticed that it’s not always fun being good and doing the right thing? I know this comes as a surprise but sometimes, just sometimes, it’s even HARD to do the right thing! Hmmm maybe that’s why being evil can be so tempting…. That said, I wish to propose just that - We should all be a little evil! Really, just a little itty-bitty-bit. I think you will find it does your heart good. There is something exciting about tiptoeing over the bad girl line. Now I’m not talking about hurting someone or lying to them (no way, ewww, yuck), but when you think your being sneaky or tricky or crazy – now that’s what we’re talking about!!! OK, OK so maybe evil is too strong a word and obviously I am not evil enough because your just not buying it… You see, what I call evil is what normal people would call naughty. Oh yes NAUGHTY!!! (Don’t you just love the way that word rolls off your tongue.)

So lets try this again: I think everyone should be a little naughty from time to time. It will cheer you up and make you smile! I read an Australian study that said people who make mischief (AKA are naughty) feel happier, younger and have more fun. The Momadonnas would agree. They have even had Naughty Nights to celebrate their naughtiness! (see Momadonnas article aptly titled “Naughty Night” from February 14, 2010 for details) In fact as you read this I’m already planning my next naughty adventure!

The Drama Queen

Everyone knows about drama queens because they are so very common and can be found in almost every teenage movie. They also can be found at many social gatherings. This is especially true if those who have gathered have done so before. This is because as you get comfortable with the group, that’s when your true personality comes out (that or after a few drinks). At first a drama queen can be hard to spot. You may even think she is the girl next door. A drama queen is not an the girl next door! They are an adventure all to themselves.

In order to start on this adventure first you must be able to spot a drama queen. Here are a few things to look for: First is she wearing the T-shirt with florescent pink writing across the chest saying Drama Queen? If so she is defiantly one. Which brings up a point to remember. If you know someone who is a drama queen you should probably mark her. This is considered a public service and you will be rewarded. One way in which I have seen a drama queen marked was by her license plate cover. I saw one just the other day that said: “its all about me”. Although very few drama queens have been thus marked, those that have are at an advantage. This is because when someone meets them they know what to expect. No surprises all parties are happier that way.

It’s not easy being a drama queen, In fact they have to work hard to keep up the drama. They crave attention and if they can’t find it, they will start looking to the other members of the group for it. A common trick a drama queen uses is to ask questions about your weekend. Where did you go? What did you do? If properly used these questions can help them start some drama. This is because (as any good drama queen can tell you) they can use that little something they were able to learn about you to bring the conversation back to THEM. Then they will proceed to tell you all about their great adventures, which coincidentally sound exactly like yours but with details that surpass those in the original story. This is difficult work and very tiring. Of course you say, who wants drama? Well surprise the Momadonnas do! Yes, that is correct. Drama is good for the whole group IF it is in small amounts. That said, our group feels the drama queen position
should be rotated briefly between all members of the group. This way we have no single drama queen instead each member of the group has been assigned custody of the drama queen attributes. Each of us has one weekday assigned to us along with every other weekend and alternating holidays. This way everyone has a chance to overreact and say “Hey what about me” and “look at me now.”

It is also dangerous being the drama queen. If you are not careful you could become overly negative. Once you go down that path you may get lost and find you are unable to get back. To protect ourselves from this possibility our group has created the Drama Queen Rules in order to protect our selves from becoming too queenly.

The Drama Queen Rules:

1.) Being friends with a drama queen is also hard work (almost as hard as being the drama queen). All the ups and downs are very taxing on your emotions. When life feels like you are on a roller-coaster - you have to get off. So the first rule is when you get overwhelmed and can’t seem to stop the drama you will drink a glass of wine and go dancing. That should cure everything and if you’re lucky it will cause someone else a little drama.

2.) Like any member of royalty, the drama queen has queenly duties to perform. An essential part of drama queen’s duties is to ask for favors. This could be anything from having someone watch your kids to picking up stuff from the grocery store (so you don’t have to get out of your jammies). This brings up rule number two. When the rest of the group stop answering the phone take the hint and go back to rule one with all the dancing.

3.) The last rule, rule number three: When the Bitch says knock it off you have to stop…enough said.

I Love you guys.....

WARNING: This is a serious Momadonna article - read at your own risk
Tonight I was inspired by iCandy (as I always am) and I can’t help but wonder who I would be without the friends I have? My friends help define me. I have friends who complete me, listen to me, cry with me, inspire me, finish my glass of wine for me, dance with me, laugh with me, laugh AT me, talk me into things, and make me feel like I’m the only girl in a crowded room. They give me confidence and hold my heart in their hands; because of them I am a better person. THANK YOU! I can’t express how grateful I am to have the friends I do (not that I didn’t attempt to do just that by writing this).

Just the other day I quoted a friend that I still hang out with after 22 years and I had lunch with two other friends whom I have known for over 10 years! How lucky am I that these Momadonnas still want to hang with me? As if the joy of their never ending friendship was not enough it turns out they are still teaching me important things like how to flirt with the waiter and what to do with a teenage minion (AHHHHH Teenagers!!! or as they say in Valley Girl Speak “Like teenagers like totally scare me n’stuff! Anyways I’m sure you saying like whatever. But as if! I mean Seriously! Like this totally sucks being all grown up and junk- fer shur.” And yes like I’m totally twirling my hair in my fingers and chewing gum while talking like this.)

Soooo I wanted to say thank you in a BIG way to all my Momadonnas…. Therefore I present this song I wrote for you:

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
Put my glasses on, I’m off to meet the PTA Committee
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Wine
Cause when I leave for the day, I’ll be feel’n fine.
I’m talking - pedicure on our toes, toes
Dancing with all the ho's ho's….. oh wait that was just our last dance night at Habits. We so need a new dance place!

OK you made it through my I LOVE YOU GUYS article and I promise it will be at least 6 months before you have to sit through one of these again.

The Diary of a Cheese-A-Holic.......... (AKA Punk)

Friday (5:15 PM)– The bet is on….

Today was a breeze! The bet (that I can spend one week without eating cheese) started today at 5 PM. It has been soooo easy, maybe I will make it longer? I’m so excited! I can’t wait to see how it goes!!!

Saturday – Preoccupation

Today was a bit harder; everywhere I went there was cheese. The vending machine only had cheese flavored chips, the pizza guy in the food court yelled at me, I think there was a full moon and Green Bay will be playing tomorrow! That said I still didn’t eat any cheese. I feel good. I can do this!

Sunday - Insomnia

Today wasn’t bad, but I don’t seem to be sleeping well…dreams about a giant cheese chasing me. I ran and ran but I couldn’t seem to move. I guess I was stuck in Alfredo sauce, funny it made sense in my dream. I hope tonight is better. Still no cheese.

Monday – Mood Swings

Today was great, well good, no-no it totally sucked. It’s hard to find food that wouldn’t taste better with cheese on it. It was definitely an up and down day. I enjoyed an evening with the family but caught myself crying at Tillamook commercials. Well I guess I should be proud I mean I’m still doing this right? No I’m not proud I’m mad - I mean what was I thinking?

Tuesday – The Shakes

Today has- been hard@er I can”t seem*= to ty-pe and My focus iS off. I missss %my cheese bUt still have#’’not eAten a&ny.

Wednesday – Anxiety

What if I fail? What will happen to my family? How can they survive knowing I lost the bet? Everyone will find out then Bitch will find me….How am I going to get through this? Is it even possible?

Thursday – Paranoia

Ring Leader left town, it’s because of me isn’t it. She said it was a race but she just doesn’t want to be around me now that I’m off cheese. Without cheese we don’t have anything in common anymore and she’s done with me. Wait The Professional hasn’t called today! She calls everyday! Oh no, she is in on it and she is leaving me too! Or not? Are they testing me? Watching and waiting to see what I do? That’s it I’m moving into the basement right now! Where is the tinfoil for my windows?

Friday - Hallucinations

I should have known I was in trouble when the cheese in the refrigerator started talking to me, but I didn’t heed the warning signs. By the time I finished work things had gone from bad to worse. All I can say is the fountain at the mall is NOT made of melted cheese and those cute little cheesy macaroni men running away from you are probably just scared children. Needless to say mall security let me go and now its 5PM and I’ve made it through the week! I’m proud, I’m successful and I’m exhausted. To quote the immortal words of Chester Cheetah “it ain’t easy bein’ cheesy”

Momadonna's Cheese Intervention

It started innocently enough, just a small post on Facebook*, but as with everything involving Momadonnas, things soon got out of control. Let me tell you about the Momadonna's Cheese Intervention:

Punk has to have the unhealthiest diet in three states. When you ask her what she thinks a well-rounded meal consists of she may sound respectable saying something like “a healthy meal will follow the food pyramid guidelines.” Unfortunately, the pyramid she follows is not the one the USDA approves of – most definitely not! She has created her own and it goes a little something like this: Bread, Pasta, Dessert, Anything Fried and Cheese. With cheese being the base everything else is built upon.

After some evaluation (and lots of teasing) it was decided that although Punk was not at the desperate stage of cheese addiction** some preventative measures should be taken. Ok, Ok so they made a bet that Punk can’t make it a whole week without eating cheese! So like any good addict she has joined (created) a support group. Let me introduce the CEA***

• Therapist: The Professional – who else has a nickname that could pull this off? Besides she already has to listen to Punk complain about not having cheese ... she may as well get credit for it.
• Nutritionist: Ringleader – not only can Ringleader pronounce the names of vegetables Punk has never even heard of like Jicama, but she actually eats them too.
• Personal Trainer: iCandy – to help with the cheese detox Punk has decided to exercise the cheese out of her system so of course she needs a personal trainer. The problem will be how the girls hold up when together. Last time Punk and iCandy went out on a walk they ended up discussing how to make their own cheese out of household items...
• Probation Officer: LL Maria – someone has to go through Punks drawers and since Maria was not there to defend herself she was nominated for the job. (its amazing how often your nominated for something when your not in the room.)
• The Enforcer: Bitch – there should always be consequences and Bitch just loves to kick butt -anyone’s butt will do.

Lets see how this cheeseless week goes!

* Facebook post: I wanted to thank everyone for their love and support during my hour of need. It’s going to be tough for a while but I know we can get through this! I will be starting CEA group meetings later this week and if anyone else needs help I would be glad to bring you along. It’s a safe place to admit your addiction and to find support to get you through these trying times. That’s what the CEA is all about, helping you survive one day at a time without cheese.

**The definition of desperate cheese addiction: Where you sell the car to buy a cow to avoid being recognized in the dairy aisle.

*** CEA-Cheese Eaters Anonymous

MySpace-Countdowns

Mud Run

and we paid $$$ for this?????

The Momadonnas Demolition Derby

The Momadonnas want to sponsor something else! Hmmm… how about a demolition derby car! Wouldn’t that be just perfect?

Are you wondering where this perfectly wonderful idea comes from? Well, it just happens that The Professional, Kelly St. George and Punk attended the Washington County Fair a few weeks back, and although the mullet contest and the moo off competition* were riveting, for our girls the Demolition Derby stole the show!

What is it about watching people crash thousands of pounds of metal into each other for our entertainment? The whole concept of watching drivers ramming their vehicles into one another seems so wrong. This is definitely an activity that comes with the warning: Do NOT try this at home! Normally this kind of warning would only encourage us to try it, but cars are a bit more intimidating than making a candy rocket launcher. That said I think a demolition derby speaks to our most basic instincts. Just think of the raw power, the danger, the action, the speed, the corn dogs. What’s not to like? Demolition Derbies are as American as apple pie and Usher …oh how we love Usher… mmm Usher dancing…. Oh Usher! Oops where was I?

If the Momadonnas had their way we would be at a different demolition derby every weekend. Even the Minions and Accessories got in on the action, with the Minions dancing in the stands** and the Accessories getting run over.

You don’t believe me? Good thing we take pictures! Here is Kelly’s Accessory meeting a few of the drivers the hard way….

The Derby was a colossal success, and as you may have guessed our girls are already planning their next derby visit! Until then maybe we can talk the Minions into putting on a demolition derby show for us with their bikes? I mean it can’t be any worse than the time they jousted, oh wait that was the Accessories….

* Yes, there is a trophy for the best moo!
** Unfortunately for the crowd, the moms declined the Minions offer to dance in front of the grand stands.

Momadonna Sponsorship

The Momadonnas just became sponsors, not to be confused with donors (that would put a whole different spin on this story). They decided to sponsor their first athletic team - Strong and Sexy! The group Strong and Sexy is a girls running team participating in the Kiss me Dirty race series that challenges the participants to run through obstacles and mud…yes mud! And now you also know why the team was sponsored. How can you not sponsor a team of 17 hot women running through mud?

As you know the Momadonnas like to jump head first into things and they never shy away from a big mess (although usually they are the ones making it). So several Momadonnas decided to join in on the fun and are now part of the Strong and Sexy team. They just couldn’t help themselves. To them it sounds like running through a giant chocolate pie for 3 miles, just not as tasty...

Go team- run amuck in mud!

Kiss me dirty website - www.kissmedirty.com

PIE!

What do you call 21.5 pounds of dry chocolate instant putting mix, 25 pounds of cornstarch and more water than you can measure mixed together in a kiddie wading pool? “A crazy disaster waiting to happen?” Ummmm… maybe, but we call it MOMADONNA pie.

Some things just can’t be explained (or believe which is why we take pictures), however, I am going to attempt to do just that:

It all started when Punk got an idea, not just any idea but one so big it just had to be acted upon! Punk had been watching Attack of the Show and when the hostess Olivia Munn jumped into a giant pie. Punk turned to her Accessory and said I NEED TO DO THAT!!! Unfortunately for all the other Momadonnas, that’s exactly what she did.

In all fairness, prior to the big jump, she did tell the other moms what she was up to and obtained their agreement to participate. However, why they agreed is still one of life’s great mysteries (especially to the Momadonnas themselves). Possibly they agreed because they didn’t believe she would follow through. Or it could have been due to a long night of wine drinking… who knows, but in the end they did show up for the big jump!

Punk, having secured their approval proceeded to bake. This included gathering ingredients, testing pie consistency*, obtaining extra large kitchen utensils**, and making more chocolate pudding than anyone should see in their lifetime. By the time this month long process was complete the Moms not only had a large pie to jump in but also a fair size audience.***

When the day finally arrived it was sunny and clear. Punk lead the way, cautiously making her way to the pie. As the audience held their breath, the other Moms slowly started edging their way toward the mammoth pie too. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop… What am I saying? These are Momadonnas - there was no silence! Instead there was loud teasing and taunting until the big moment arrived and PUNK JUMPED!

The other Moms followed suite and soon all were enveloped in chocolate pie! However, as Arnold H. Glasgow said, nothing lasts forever **** and so eventually the Momadonnas had to get out of the pie. So off they went up through the house to take a shower.***** No we will not give details!!! PA-LEASE this is a mom site not a bad girlie one!

End result was: Four happy moms, a burned out a hammer drill, one ruined kiddie wading pool, and a mess so large it took over a week to clean it up. However, all the moms had soft silky skin for the next few weeks so it was all worth it!!!!! Now the girls are just waiting for the giant margarita…

* Testing Giant Pies is a very scientific process involving lots of guesswork and no real science at all.

** Utensils to make a giant pie included: a hammer drill, 5 gallon bucket, and a wading pool aka pie pan.

***Several people in the audience had accidentally heard about the pie and they just showed up.

**** Nothing lasts forever- except maybe the smell of chocolate pudding in Punk’s back yard….

*****Yes the moms ran through the house to shower – we found pudding in places you would never expect months after the big event!

Extra Extra Moms take over the news!

What is it that makes you a Momadonna? Punk would start off with the obvious saying it’s about being a great mom and stopping the Minions from taking over the world. Bitch would add that you have to have fun while doing so and that all the Momadonnas have attitude or as Punk likes to call it “personality.” Then The Professional would come along and say that it is much more than just being moms it’s also about our great friendship. Finally, Ringleader would chime in and say; yes that is all true but you also have to be YOU! Not just any old you but the best darn you that you can be!* So she personally runs in numerous races such as Ragnar Relays and as you know when a Momadonna does something she does it big!

The Ragnar Relay races are no exception. Ringleader just finished her third Ragnar race. When she finished she was not only stimulated, excited, and tired to the bone, but she was also cover story material for the news paper.** WE love publicity!!! Ringleaders article can be found in the Salt Lake Tribune. http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/sports/52031990-77/team-relay-cancer-taylor.html.csp
The newspaper pointed out that “While hundreds of teams of 12 participated in the race, two teams stood out from the crowd” That of course was Ring Leaders Team the Plundering Pavement Pounders. A most awesome team whose sense of style impressed the reporter…. possibly due to the argyle sox and eye patches! The article noted “some members of the Pounders took their team spirit one step further than the pirate emblem on their shirts. [Ring Leader, Bling and friends] got tattoos of the Ragnar Relay emblem before the race.”

A Momadonnas life is never dull!

** If anyone can fit the word “You” in this sentence one more time please let me know. I will be very impressed.
** No the article was not on the cover – but it should have been. I mean a Momadonna was in it, Hello - shouldn’t we always be on the front page?

Its that time of year again:

The Declaration of Wine Dependence

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for moms to dissolve the worries of the day they shall band with one another and drink some wine.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that (initially) all portions should be crated equal, That all wine should be consumed in the pursuit of Happiness, and that in the process of drinking each should imbibe at her own pace according to her own tastes and temperament. We understand that each wine is endowed by its creator with certain unalienable characteristics such as vintage and age. Therefore both whites and reds shall be consumed. – That to secure these characteristics Mom Rules are instituted among Momadonnas, deriving their just powers from themselves and not of the governed (i.e. minions and sometimes accessories). Momadonnas compassionately lay the foundation of these “Mom Rules”, as to them shall seem most likely to affect the minions safety and happiness.

Mom Rules

Prudence is encouraged. No minion should approach a Momadonna without careful evaluation of his or her request. Any request considered unnecessary or tattling will be ignored.

Accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind is more disposed to suffer, were the Momadonnas to go “with out”. Therefore upon request all Accessories should be willing to bring home pizza, cook steak and run to the store for more wine. A magnum or two should do.

We find while some evils are sufferable no glass should go empty. The Momadonnas declare that all glasses should be re-filled at anytime by anyone walking by with the expectation that the Momadonnas shall never go dry.

We, the Momadonnas, by our own Authority do solemnly publish and declare, that this Declaration of Wine Dependence stands for us, with us and sometimes against us.

Punk Hancock
Ringleader Hancock
Bitch Hancock
The Professional Hancock

How many Accessories does it take to change a light bulb?

How many Accessories does it take to change a light bulb? I don't care but if you have a few extras please send them my way....

Once upon a time an Accessory mentioned that the Momadonnas don't seem to like men. We disagree! Boy Howdy do we ever! We LOVE men, in fact we love them so much we would like to have 7 or 8 each. Seriously, would we bother to give them a Momadonna nickname if we didn't like them? Silly men, they don't know their own worth, but we do! This got us a-think-n “What men would we like for our 8 man entourage?” So as a public service to moms everywhere here is a list of men every mom should have in her life:

The Protector - If you don't have a big dog for protection then a man is the next best thing. Men are natural protectors. Why do you think they are so obsessed with fire, into sports, and always picking out the action movies at the theater? It is in their genes! All men respect a protector and all women adore him. Including Momadonnas, for example, when we go dancing we usually form a circle in an organized effort to keep the Creepers at bay, however, when we bring an Accessory along those same Creepers keep their distance!

The Cook - A man who knows how to cook is unlike any other. They not only save you time in the kitchen but they are happiest when serving you! They freely use words like hot, succulent, sticky, tantalizing, sweet, tasty, exotic, spicy, ahhh.... if only men would talk to us like that more often. Cooks are also known for their tendency to experiment and any man who wants to experiment on us, well now, that may have to be it's own subject!

The Cleaner - Ha ha ha. We think he is extinct that is if he ever existed at all…..

Mr. Fix it - Sometimes you need a man to fix things. That's not to say you can't do it yourself but it is so much more fun to watch him do it (especially if he is also eye candy man). We all know when you fix/build something, it is never as easy to do as it looks and inevitably there will be a few parts missing. So you may as well have a man do this for you, besides men like to shop at Home Depot, right? Add the fact that it is a stress reduction for you (not necessarily for the man) then you almost HAVE TO wrangle up an Accessory to fix it for you.

Eye Candy Man - Self-explanatory. We love eye candy men!!!

Mr. Kisser - As the name implies this is a man we love to kiss, amongst other things (AKA friend "with benefits"). We love to be with him. He makes our toes tingle and sometimes other parts. No other man can get our heart racing as fast or give us the same wild rush of emotion. Basically it just feels good when we moms are with him. …..Whoa that did NOT come out as planned! OK when I said we moms are with him above I was not implying all the moms are there with one accessory - We DO NOT SHARE! Whatever were you thinking?

Mall Guy- We all have a story about that one time a stranger gave us "the look." You know the one. The one where he smiles, looks you up and down, and is clearly enjoying the view. We adore these men. There are no strings attached and no commitment needed. He simply helps you acknowledge that you are a lovely lady who should be noticed. Nothing beats the feeling of knowing you are desirable! Of course when this happens you must immediately brag to your girls or your Accessory - whomever is closest!!!

Companion - OK truth be told sometimes it is nice to simply be with a man. Someone you can talk to and who will give you another point of view. Someone who will sit-back and relax with you and who likes you exactly as you are. He can also be any one of the other men above or a compilation of all of them. As long as being with him feels good then he is exactly what we need! Of course if he is also a good masseur that doesn’t hurt either….

The Breakfast Club

I can see it now, you are sitting there with a puzzled look on your face thinking of the 1985 Movie The Breakfast Club and wondering what, if anything, it has to do with the Momadonnas. Well we are too….

Lets see both the Momadonna Breakfast Club and the Movie The Breakfast Club involve people (some of which are female), both start in the morning, and both involve Molly Ringwald. Well no, that’s not technically true, but we feel like we know her and we have all met - her on the big screen! I guess we just wanted to start a good rumor. That said rest assured there really aren’t any “Molly” Momadonnas. Really there aren’t. So, to answer your original question, the Momadonna Breakfast Club has absolutely nothing to do with the Movie other than a similar name and before you ask; yes, we did name it the Breakfast Club on purpose. The name was created for one reason and one reason only - Punk thinks it’s funny.

So what is the Momadonna Breakfast Club? It is an excuse for the moms to get together (as everything we do is) and eat (which we have to do anyway). It started when Punk and LL Michelle decided they wanted to try a few different places for breakfast. Now each month a new location is chosen. The restaurants picked could be a friend’s recommendation or just some little diner that looked interesting as we drove past. Then on a pre-picked morning, off we go to explore the eating opportunities that present themselves. It’s a great chance to hang out with the girls and not feel guilty about spending time and money eating out. Mind you we can justify about anything but this one is especially easy. That is because eating with the Breakfast Club is a social event not just an excuse to get out of the house and NOT cook!

Momadonna Play date at the InstaCare

Just because the Momadonnas get sick from time to time doesn’t mean we stop having fun! We moms can make the most of any situation. Take the common cold…yes please take it, I’ve had enough!* This week Punk and LL Heather both had a bad cold but it didn’t stop them! They had a good time comparing symptoms and deciding which doctor’s office to go to. But that’s not all oh no! We moms are experts at being sick. We now have fun with each of our symptoms:

1.) Husky Voice or Laryngitis -Just because we’re sick and can’t speak that doesn’t mean we don’t communicate with the other moms. We think we are what the Minions call “tech savvy” aka we don’t need to ask a Minion to set the time on the VCR for us - Oh Crap! I shouldn’t have said that because it dates us and I’m not sure the Minions even know what a VCR is! I should have said the clock on the blue ray player. Oh well! I have further justification that we are tech savvy: we all have cell phones and we actually text each other.** So even when we are sick we are still in communication with the other moms! However, if we find our fingers aching we may still call each other and make fun of what Punk calls our sexy voices. A sexy voice sounds something like a chain smoker; deep, growly and very manly –yep it’s a great voice.

2.) Exhausted -Just because we can’t stay awake for more than four hours doesn’t mean we won’t make the most of those hours our eyes are open and just because we can’t walk up stairs without getting short of breath doesn’t mean we don’t count those 10 steps as our exercise for the day. Sometimes we can be very active while sick. We may choose to move into a whole new room for our next nap. Yes we are busy, tired girls!

3.) Aching bones –Specifically the Funny Bone. Just because we’re sick it doesn’t mean we lose our sense of humor. Although all the medication does mess with it a bit…. If someone sick thinks they made a joke we all kindly smile, even if that joke doesn’t exactly make sense. Besides as moms we expect you to all read our minds anyway. It’s a mom thing or maybe a girl thing either way its our progative.

4.) Can’t take care of yourself – Just because we’re sick it doesn’t mean we can’t take care of ourselves but as Momadonnas don’t need to. That’s because we Momadonnas take care of each other! When I was sick last, within a 24 hour period, I had offers from the moms for: medicine, drinks, food, daycare, a chauffer and yes a play date with another sick mom at the InstaCare! The moms are the best! They are always there for you and they all know what you have been going through. This is because they were sick with it last week or will probably have it next week- we blame it on the Minions. They may not be that good at sharing their toys but when it comes to germs they love to share!***


* Yes this is a bad Rodney Dangerfield joke but at least we admit it….
** Anyone can make a call with a cell phone but if you text you are truly modern.
*** And you can’t complain, I mean at least they are sharing, and this time without you having to yell at them first!

Exercise!

The Momadonnas know they are beautiful women who really should be satisfied with their bodies – so of course we aren’t. It’s not that we don’t appreciate our sexy little selves, in fact we love our lady lumps so much we have added a few extra lumps and bumps just to keep our bodies all sorts of curvy. However, even in our perfection there are a few changes we would like to make. So we all exercise. Ring Leader likes to run and participates in real races like the infamous Ragnar relays. The Professional lifts weights that are well over the three-pound mark, which just happens to be Punks personal limit. Even the LLs join in the fun and LL Heather is training for Triathlons while LL Maria is hitting the gym a minimum of twice a week and dragging all her sisters along! Then there is Punk. She is coordinating the outfits. Yes, unfortunately it’s true; and although we are definitely not the Lantern Core, she has put us all in bright green Momadonna Fashion. We look something like mom size limes (which isn’t too bad, we could be made into margaritas…) No doubt everyone will see us coming!

Just picture it: a matching group of florescent green moms walking down the hall towards you (probably in slow motion). Written in bold across their chests, like Superman, is a big black M – Momadonna. Quite a vision isn’t it.

Why is fashion so important? Because exercise is more than working on your body, it’s about feeling good about YOU! During the long, dark winter months it can be hard to feel good or energetic about anything. After exercising all the moms report feeling energized and ready to chase those Minions out of the rain. We all feel proud of what we have accomplished. We feel sweaty and sexy and strong! All it takes is a good hour or even 20 minutes of exercising and we are ready to take on the world! We love how it makes us feel and the results aren’t bad either. We have better muscle tone and stamina, which we need for those all night dance-a-thons. So bring on the dancing – but not the florescent green tops. Those can stay in the closet while we dance….

Mom Awards!

From the Momadonnas Tribune.......

Momadonnas Declare Their Awards a Success
By PUNK - Tribune Staff Writer
The Not-So-Associated Press

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — The Momadonns declare their first annual Award Show a success. Friday May 6th, 2011 crowds of Minions gathered after school at the exclusive Casa Del Punk for access to this gala event.* The youthful Minions found themselves energized by the prospect of trophies and cupcakes.

Five moms were recognized this year for their motherly achievements: Ring leader for Organizational Excellence, The Professional for Dancers Choice, Punk for Best Mom under 5 foot, Bitch for Smart A$$ mom award and finally, LL Of The Year went to LL Heather. For those unfamiliar with the Momadonnas vernacular LL is the abbreviation for Lovely Lady.

Ring Leader - who has attended many awards ceremonies** commented, "In case you were wondering, the awards are amazing. No really. What the awards did for the moms was so perfect." Ring Leader missed a later Awards Ceremony due to a camping incident. She appeared healthy on Friday.

LL Heather, winner of the coveted LL of the Year Award, also seemed pleased. While addressing the crowd in her acceptance speech she stated: “Thank you for a WONDERFUL afternoon!!! The awards are Amazing.”

Master of Ceremonies Punk, whose book The Adventures of the Group Formally known as Momtourage, started the Momadonnas phenomenon, created the Momadonnas Awards in 2011. She feels this gives them some credibility and if any reader disagrees she said she would simply “make up something else that sounds credible and add it to the blog too.” When asked what she would say to people who claim that they are unfamiliar with the Momadonnas, she responded, "I’m not surprised the majority of people have not heard of the Momadonnas, we are rather exclusive. I would, however suggest everyone read the blog at least once.” She herself visits the website weekly and she hints that everyone else reading this article visits the Momadonna blog as well. *** She notes the blog has a very passionate fan following… all of which seem to be the Momadonnas themselves.

Note:
* Minions had to attend the event; their moms drove them to Punk’s house.
**Usually at the Grade School with Minions involved…
***She has to visit the blog weekly because she is the author.

Mother’s Day Tea

How do you celebrate Mother’s Day? The Momadonnas wanted something big and yet relaxing (don’t we always?). So I (Punk) decided on a Mother’s Day Tea. I’ve always wanted a tea party and even convinced The Professional to have one at her house a few years back. However, this year was different, this year I was doing it my way – all the way. Watch out girls this could get interesting!

I feel Mother’s Day is not just for celebrating your own motherhood or even your mother’s lucky accomplishment of having you (although there really should be a holiday for that too….). It’s about celebrating ALL moms especially those who have gone before. I’ve always appreciated my Grandmother she was the most sophisticated and stylish woman that I knew. She was posh before Mrs. Beckham was a twinkle in her mother’s eye. I remember that I would stare in awe at her silver and play with her napkin rings whenever I could get away with it. This year, after she passed away, we cleaned out the family home and I was lucky enough to leave with two items: a real silver tray and one of her fancy sets of linens. So I ask, how better to celebrate Mother’s Day than with style - Grandmother style!

So of course I got my fancy tea party…

The moms sat informally around the living room sipping tea* and eating hors-d’oeuvres including biscuits imported from England, Canapé (mini sandwiches shaped like hearts and stars and yes, before you ask, all the crusts were cut off), mini cupcakes, and carrots (ugh not carrots again – they follow me everywhere!). The Minions were exiled to the dining room to sit and enjoy their tea together at a table.** Proudly displayed were my Grandmother’s silver and linen. They were being used just as she would have wanted them to be. I was surrounded by some of the best mothers I know, those that inspire, support, motivate, and complete me. When the afternoon tea party came to a close we all felt like a winner, especially me.

Of course it could have been the trophies…



*Pinkies extended as is proper for a lady.

**Note: Minions should always be at a table! It is safer that way.

Eating with the Momadonnas

You may not be surprised to learn the Momadonnas love to play with their food. You may even feel confidant that after watching them jump into a giant pie - you’ve pretty much proven your point. Well, we concede that you have, but you still don’t know the extent of our fetish with food! It’s not just that we like to eat it but we love to have fun while doing so (ok, ok we love to have fun doing everything…. we ARE Momadonnas after all). However, to get the full gist of our food obsession you must take us out for sushi. Yes you must! The Moms love Sushi, well except Punk. She is not into sushi and even after the other Momadonnas found deep fried sushi, she still would not budge. However, deep fried cheesecake is an entirely different story (which they just so happen to offer at sushi restaurants, just so you know).

So…you ask: How can eating sushi be fun other than the explosion of taste in your mouth? Well, you can wear it. Sometimes we do. We can be a bit messy and it’s not only our own food we end up wearing. It can be everyone else’s too. Part of being a Momadonna means sharing everything, even accessories – NO, NO not those Accessories but the other kind, like sunglasses and lip balm. Wow…about gave you the wrong impression there. When it comes to food, we share it as well. It is not uncommon to have a dish passed from person to person around the table for everyone to try. This can lead to a nice little mess. Which is why eating out is a good thing. WE don’t have to clean up! However, when the food being passed around is Hamachi Sashimi you should probably watch Bitch very carefully. She doesn’t eat it or even wear it she simply adds it to her anatomy. She loves it so much she has been known to pull the waitress over to see the results. And what are the results you ask? Bitch was able to add a piece of sashimi to her tongue making her look like the lead singer of KISS. Ah, the Momadonnas do so love to play with their food and we don’t see it ending any time soon (especially if we can keep making dirty jokes about the results as we did with the KISS fish tong – but we wont go there now, its too much, and I’m blushing already)

So feel free to take us out for Sushi any time! AANNNNNYY TIME!!!

The Accessories and the Lady Gaga Concert

As you know for the Momadonnas official birthday celebration they went to the Lady Gaga concert. They booked their seats months in advance (like 6) and settled down to wait.

When the day finally arrived the Momadonnas felt they were well organized, but the Accessories were in a state of disarray. There were so many little things they had to work out: who would drive, when to eat, what to do, and finally the big one- what should they wear? The last one sounds easy enough but not when you invite the Accessories. How does one dress a man for a Lady Gaga concert? Well there are whole websites dedicated to that question, unfortunately, after reviewing several of them we determined that if you were a straight male you probably didn’t go to Lady Gaga concerts. Dressing them could be interesting….

Punk tried to get her Accessory to match her, but for some reason he was not interested in dressing in bright, florescent pink. Bitch’s Accessory was glad to play along right up until the part where you go out in public. However, we do have some video to use against him in the future (right Mr. Monroe…yeah you know what we talking about.) Then there is Bling, Ringleaders Accessory. He started out dressed respectably but promptly got into the mood of things by ripping the side out of his jeans. We felt it made him fit in all the more. As you know there is nothing like a little cheekieness to put you in the mood and the boy definitely had some cheek going on.

All and all their outfits worked remarkably well but we still wish they would have used a bit more tin foil and maybe some bubbles….

Birthday Week

Do you want to be a Momadonna? Are you wondering what the requirements are? Well, we do have a web page dedicated to it and normally we would be more than glad to “tell you were to go”, however, since you are here… The answer is in order to become a Momadonna you must first be a mom, and second you need to have a birthday between March 14 and March 21st. Oh and it helps to be a Pisces. That gives you about 8 days to work with. So if you could arrange your birth to occur at these times please by all means get to it! The Moms themselves have done fairly well keeping up with this rule. Bitch, Ringleader and Punk all have their birthdays during that week. That makes it a very interesting week indeed. The Professional does not have a birthday on that week, but someone has to keep those three fishies on a hook. The Moms enjoy their week and always have a group party (or two - possibly three) plus each has their own individual parties. That way no one is ever board, in fact, it has been a struggle to fit all that partying in!

This year was no different. The Momadonnas started with a group birthday party at Ringleaders house the week prior to the infamous birthday week. This was followed by the Birthdays of both the Ringleader and Bitch. Bitch’s birthday party included a little light hearted drinking and by little I mean 5 shots and 3 beers and that was just the H'ors deurves wait until you hear what she had for the main course! Then the moms went out to their second group birthday party at the Lady Gaga concert (this had a double purpose it was a party and it helped fill in their dancing quota for the month). Finally, Punk got around to adding her birthday to the list.

This gave the girls a lot of time to find out what part of their birthday they liked best and so each mom celebrated in her own way. On her birthday, Punk, gave everyone else gifts. On Bitch’s birthday she declared, “I don’t have to wear green because St. Patrick’s day IS my birthday (and it is too).” Ringleader asked if she could sit down yet (her schedule had been booked for months in advance…it may be her only chance to sit and relax). This all leads to The Professional. She must find this week hard for a couple reasons: First, her birthday is NOT in March and second, because all the others are, she must find March a very expensive month $$$!! Yet somehow she also survives… probably on Momadonna lip balm.

So the end result is for one week in March not only do we Momadonnas think we rule the world (which we do just ask us) but you readers actually put up with it!

Welcome to the Monster Ball!

Momadonnas go to the Lady Gaga Concert

For their birthdays the Momadonnas went to the Lady Gaga Concert in Salt Lake. The Momadonnas had a wonderful night full of VIP treatment and partying galore. VIP: MOMADONNAS ONLY!

First they found their balcony seats were more then the secluded seats they had expected THEY WERE DANCE READY!!!! The Momadonnas had reserved a roped off section of cement 6 foot wide by 18 foot long.

Momadonna Dance Floor!
They were given cushioned, folding, chairs to sit on that could be moved! Yes Moved! So when concert started they pushed the chairs back and quickly found they could dance the night away with room to spare. It was a perfect concert for our dancing girls!
Dance Dance Momadonnas!

Momadonnas VIP dancing at Lady Gaga!

Momadonna's Birthday Lip Balm

Lip Balm!

What is the gift that keeps on giving? Lip balm…yes Lip balm.

It all started when Punk stumbled across the perfect Christmas gift. So off she went to order it .....and what was it you ask? Lip balm! Not just any lip balm but Momadonna brand. She had found a company that would put the Momadonnas Logo on the lip balm for her. Now Punk knew the minimum order of 100 would be a bit much but she figured if she got two different flavors it would help. Yum! So she ordered passion fruit (because the name is awesome) and mint figuring that by doing so she would cover everyone’s taste. Unfortunately, she did not read the fine print. Remember that 100 minimum? Well, you see, it’s per flavor NOT per order. Oops! She was sent 200 lip balms and you know what that means… Yes the Momadonnas got lip balm for both Christmas and their birthdays. It looks like they will be also be getting lip balm for Mothersday, Easter and the next twelve holidays she can find….

So does anyone have dry lips?

Mom and Me - The Eternal Struggle

As a mom, do you ever feel like it's all about the kids. We do everything for them. We were put here on this earth to be their mothers. We work 24/7 being Mom. We don't get sick days. We keep the house orderly. We prepare the meals (for those of us that can cook anyways). We make sure the kids get their homework assignments finished. We get into a routine in which every decision we make revolves around the kids and their schedules. There are so many aspects of being "Mom" that sometimes, you feel like you lost yourself - the person you were before you became a Mom. The Momadonna's realize this and make it a point to make sure we remember our personal identities.

Punk and The Professional go dancing. They really like to dance. All the Momadonna's like to dance in fact, but these two LIKE LIKE to dance (the meaning of "Like Like" will be explained another time).

Bitch escapes by going to school to be a nurse. She also religiously makes mani/pedi appointments. Once in a great while, a special treat, all the Momadonna's get away by having a spa day!

The Ringleader in particular was tired of feeling like she was "just" a mom. To combat this feeling, she took up running. She uses running to get out of the house, and be...herself. Last year she and her Accessory started doing Ragnar Relay Races-overnight races. Ringleader must enlist in the help of her family, as well as the other Momadonna's, to help her with the children so that she can do these races - without the kids.

Recently, Ringleader and her Accessory were "stranded" in paradise. They flew to Miami and ran (yes ran) 197 miles to Key West. They got stranded. Really! All flights were cancelled and they were stuck there - without kids - for an entire seven days! Now while this may seem enjoyable, and OH IT WAS (ask Ringleader), she very quickly realized that she missed her "Mom" role. She wanted her kids - she was done "not" being mom.

The Momadonna's feel it's very important and very healthy to remember that while we may do everything for our kids, and while we may be referred to as "so and so's mom" more often than to our own names, MOM'S NEED THEIR TIME too! Demand a balance in your life and devote at least .1% of your time to doing something that is just for you because we all know that the other 99.9% goes to being a mom. Do it. You will be a happier mom for it! - Just don't step out of the role for to long, or you may really start to miss what made you a Mom in the first place.

Bikini Dinner

So we lost a bet…. Not just any bet but one with the Accessories and now not only do we have to capitalize their names in the blog, but we also have to cook them dinner in our bikinis.

It all started when The Professional and Punk had a night out with a few of the Accessories. After a nice dinner they decided to hit a local pub. Unfortunately, when they entered the pub there wasn’t any music playing. This blocked their intended goal of dancing, so they had to come up with another activity to occupy themselves. Meet the Pool Table! The girls decided to play pool…well something like that. I don’t think we can call what Punk did actually playing pool. Not that she didn’t do something on a pool table where she hit the balls and someone yelled scratch, but I don’t think it qualifies as pool. However, playing pool was their intent.

Just to make things interesting an Accessory suggested a little wager. The girls should have known better, before they knew it they had lost the first bet and were in debt one winter car wash. Not satisfied with this little win the Accessories offered to let the Moms attempt a come back. So together they made the bet double or nothing with the losers giving the winners a nice dinner cooked and eaten ALL while in bikinis. At this juncture I want to stop and point out not even cheating could help the moms (Please don’t worry the girls made the cheating very obvious. It was as if they were just daring the Accessories to say no… which they didn’t). The end result was the Moms were soundly defeated. This is possibly due to Punks new scratching technique that includes not only losing the little white ball, but also causing other balls to fly off the table and across the dance floor. On the bright side, at least Punk was able to get on the dance floor
while chasing those balls….

The Accessories, secure in their victory, went on to make a few suggestions for the bikini dinner. Maybe the Moms should cook some pan-fried food like bacon? Oh, the Accessories think they are clever don’t they? Well we will see….yes, we will see.