Bitch

Bitch

The Bitch! Every group has one and I have noticed that it is with honor these women bear the title. In fact Bitch is the only nickname you can give yourself without anyone arguing about it. If you proclaim yourself BITCH (and yes this proclamation is always done in ALL CAPS) you have earned the title. The Bitch is a well-respected essential part of any group, gathering, or family reunion. Without the Bitch conversations would halt and people would not know what to do. The Bitch is single handedly responsible for putting the group back on track should they stray. Also a good Bitch like ours will step in should a member of the group become frozen and indecisive with a bad case of shyness (there is no medical cure for shyness although the shot is being tested on small animals in China).

Being a Bitch is not easy there are a few “musts” in order to be the Bitch. First and foremost you “must” be hot. Cute will just not work. Without some degree of hotness all else will fail. If you are not hot, people will not take you seriously when you tell them what to do. It is a scientific fact that if you look good or have high heel boots on people will listen. There is also a direct correlation between the shape and size of a boot’s heel and the listener’s response time - The pointier and taller the heel of the boots the better chance others will listen. (I will also suggest the pointier the heel of the boot the further away from you they will stand especially if you are visibly mad.)

“Must” number two: No Hesitation! When you are right, which is all of the time, as Bitch it is your responsibility to let the others know. Those around you can not for one moment get distracted because if they do… As Bitch you have to tell them immediately and sometimes forcefully in order for progress to be made.

“Must” number three: Volume is equally important. Volume is essential. For if no one can hear you then your keen sense of humor and good advice is lost. I find most Bitches have very good lungs. In fact the Momadaonnas Bitch is so talented she can call the children back from across a football field -lengthwise. The volume she produces insures that not only will her voice be heard but it will also penetrate and as we all know penetration is key. (tee-hee I said penetration. Does anyone else think this is funny?) A Bitch knows the power her voice holds. Rest assured most Bitches will not abuse that power. Our Bitch will kindly warn those around her to plug their ears before she starts to bellow. Please note being bitchy is not the same as being “A Bitch.” If someone is being bitchy they are in a bad mood possibly complaining or even in a worst-case scenario being a bit spiteful. The Bitch is not that! She is just very well organized in the “here is my opinion” area (aka headstrong). Of course being bitchy does have its uses and we in Momadonnas consider it an essential skill and practice being bitchy all the time.